Sunday, July 11, 2010

Disturbing places to put Robert Pattinson's Face

We all know this Twilight-thing has gotten out of hand. Seriously, we should have put a stop to it, but Stephanie Meyer's Mormon powers overwhelmed us and let's face it: we were all distracted by Paul the Psychic Octopus and other important world news.

Here are the most disturbing Twilight spin-offs to date. I may have missed a few, so feel free to add them:

Edward Cullen is a Girl's Panty

Ladies, men find nothing more attractive than stripping you naked and staring into the face of that pasty kid from Twilight pasted onto a pair of granny panties. At the very least, they could have chosen a less disturbing picture...maybe one where Edward is winking in encouragement. Like, "Yeah, we know she's thinking of me, buddy...use it!"

The Repackaged Wuthering Heights

Anyone else ever get the idea that Edward is a raging homosexual? What kinda guy likes Wuthering Heights?
If however, it's true that Stephanie Meyer based Twilight "loosely" on Wuthering Heights, I'd definitely buy the next Twilight book. Cathy fucks a bunch of rich people and Heathcliff kills puppies. It can only improve the "plot".

Tattoos You will live to regret

Matt always says you should never tattoo a girlfriend's/band's name on any part of you. I'm not sure what he'd make of this.

The Edward Cullen Dildo

I'm usually supportive of people's self-loving equipment...but the Vamp just blew me away. This dildo not only sparkles but can be placed in the fridge so that you can have the full "sex with a corpse" experience "remininiscent of the New Moon's glow". By the lovely folks at - God bless their twisted little libidos!


  1. Even a representation of Edward Cullen is not coming near my vagina.

  2. I suppose cockblocking was the point of those Cullenickers...seeing as Twatlight is a whole lot of cockblocking and not much of anything else.

    Now, I wonder if those knickers sparkle in the dark. That would be creepy.

  3. In February, I went to Walmart to get Valentine's Day decorations for a party, and I saw a Valentine that said, "I love you, but Edward Cullen has my heart," and "You're my Valentine, but Jacob Black has my heart." Who the hell would give that to someone? That is a crappy thing to tell someone"I love you, but a fictional character who would most likely kill me is the one I really want to be with." Definitely add that to your list.

  4. Ugh I hate the whole Twilight obsession, I was captured by it's charms for about a month and then realised how terrible it really is. I mean the story is interesting but it's basically just masturbation material for teenage girls. I have a band tatooed on me's only small and I don't think I'll regret it (I hope).

  5. The dildo is just about the creepiest thing I've seen come out of the Twatlight fandom, next to nuttymadam.

  6. haha great post, except I'm going to go ahead and disagree with the last part, I think the dildo is a fun idea for people who have those kind of fantasies... more power to 'em! And just because you fantasize about it, doesn't mean you want to do it in real life.

    And why not give teenage girls something to masturbate too? It's all about pleasure, I don't see any harm in it.

    However, I'm not a twilight fanatic at all, just trying to spread sex positivity! I could do my own ranting about twilight, but I won't.

  7. Wow. Creepy.

    Hey, I gave you an award at my blog! You don't have to take it if you think you're too cool for that shit. I'd understand. But I would be happy if you did.

  8. I actually got like 4 of these, and haven't checked any of them out yet. YOU KNOW I'm not cool. When I'm not on here writing about the embaressing experiences I'm having I'm out there having them :P

    Thanks for the kudos!!

  9. Since you HAD to bring up my name on the whole tattoo thing, I must counter with this simple point/counterpoint on tattoos, courtesy of grif and church.

  10. The description of the Vamp toy with all the book titles is HA-larious!

  11. Too disturbing. Especially the last one. Necrophiliacs anyone?

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