Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Life Lessons I've Learnt at the Bar


Ok, I showed this post to my friend Dee and her immediate reaction was "What kind of bars do you go to?"
The only kind worth going to, Dee. The only kind worth going to.

1. If you are at the bar talking to your friends about your abandonment issues you have with your father, and some guy overhears and shouts “Dibs!” – DON’T GO THERE

2. It is impossible for a ceiling fan to support the weight of a 27-yr old woman in a catwoman suit and here’s how I know....Oh never mind, just google my sex tape.

3. Never ever get drunk in a cold room when it’s warm outside. Trust me.

4. The only reason men over forty live with their mothers is to a) avoid doing housework and b) so that when she dies they can skin her corpse and parade around in it while listening to vinyl music in the soft lamplight. You decide if it’s worth the risk.

5. The second best oral sex tip I ever got was that you can deep throat someone really easily by lying with your head dangling off the edge of the bed. The BEST tip I ever got was to withhold it until you decide what pair of shoes you want.

6. If a man says he’s been “on TV”, always be sure to ask him what show he has appeared on. If it’s ever been broadcast on the Crime channel, I’d pass.

7. They stopped making good music in the late 70s.

8. You cannot grind up a human body using the garbage disposal. I’ve learned my lesson on this one.

9. Do you like movies? Go to the cinema. You might get a treat.

10. Do not wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

You're welcome.

4 comments:

  1. Found your blog on 20 something bloggers - very funny! Gonna enjoy following you!

    I am a little scared of your list!

    here's mine: Things I learnt while working at a bar:

    1) you get asked out a lot - (man's mind goes "woman, woman who gives me beer! ooohhh I like this woman")
    2) try not to go out glass collecting, sounds like the easiest part of the job but your arse gets pinched. Alot).
    3)working behind the bar is a good place to wear pigtails. The other side of the bar you just get ID'd.

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  2. This made me crack up <3 Great blog!

    www.drummingheartbeat.blogspot.com


    x

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  3. Hahahahahahahaha. You should write a book. Like maybe, the next Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, only I think you could give the original a big run for it's money :D

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