tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30850102524727990712024-02-19T16:59:25.003-08:00Loch Ess MonsterEven less scary than the real thingEssiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.comBlogger262125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-6251579546626509012011-11-28T02:30:00.000-08:002011-11-28T02:34:19.330-08:00I'm back and with meerkats<span lang="EN-US" style="color: navy; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: navy; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: navy; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I haven't blogged in a while because I don't really have Internet at home. Or anything interesting to say. Also, I forgot my password. And then how Blogger works. In related news, I still drink a lot. </span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">In the meantime, my colleague Carroll (who is actually a man. GO FIGURE.) started Bullshit Friday, where we randomly email each other bullshit until the other person is Bullshitted out. It takes a really long time. We are both filled to the brim with Bullshit. </span></span></span></div><span style="color: black;"><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">For example: <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong>ME:</strong> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><em>"Dear Staff members, please find your free ticket attached for the upcoming Propak Exhibition. Print and distribute to your clients."</em></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong>CARROLL:</strong> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">"There is a pile of them at reception so you don't have to go print that one out...You know, for someone who loves stray animals so much, you show an alarming disregard for rainforests! What you have got against rain forests, Estelle?"</span><span style="font-size: small;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"></span></div><span style="font-size: small;"><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"></div></span><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong>ME:</strong> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><em><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">FACT: There are over 40 cancer-causing bacteria in the rainforest.</span></em></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><em><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">FACT: There are 500 species of animals that can kill you in the rainforest.<o:p></o:p></span></span></em></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><em><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">FACT: We need to stop the rainforest, before it kills us all.<o:p></o:p></span></span></em></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong>CARROLL (who just returned from Bangkok):</strong> </span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">PS… NOTHING is free. Parking at the CTICC costs the same as a liver transplant in Bangkok.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong>ME:</strong> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> <em>Did you have one while you were in Bangkok? Everyone could use a spare.</em> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong>CARROLL:</strong> </span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">No but I <em>was</em> offered an opportunity to perform a rhinoplasty on a she-male but declined because I had already had like 8 beers…<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Missed opportinities...</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> <strong>ME:</strong> </span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><em><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And now you will always lie awake and wonder, “I wish I gave that transvestite hooker a nosejob when I had the chance…”<o:p></o:p></span></span></em></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><em><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Last year, David and I had the opportunity to purchase two perfectly good donkeys for R500 from a dude in Wellington. I pointed out that with the petrol price and garden service fees being what they are, those donkeys would have paid for themselves by now…but he was all like“we don’t need donkeys”…and then I said, “well, I ended up not buying that set of taxidermied meerkats I wanted last week, so that saved us R600, so this is like making a profit… he was all like “that’s not how saving money works” and then we didn’t speak for a while.<o:p></o:p></span></span></em></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><em><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">This is why I never get ahead financially.</span></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><strong>CARROLL: </strong></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">That's ridiculous. I can think of at LEAST 7 good uses for a pair of taxidermied meerkats!</span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong>ME:</strong> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I mainly wanted to use it to scare off snakes and freak out my cats. What are the other five reasons? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">CARROLL:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">1. Re-enact the sex scene from "Team America" </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">2. Receive a disability grant from the government because you introduce them to people as ''your parents'''</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">3. Pair them off on either side of the bed with your taxidermied warthogs (cause they just look silly by themselves) </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">4. Hollow them out and convert into salt and pepper shakers</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">5. Mount one on either side of your car in the ''lookout'' position. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> <strong>ME:</strong> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><em> You forgot "meerkat lighters". Because nothing says "pleasure" like lighting up your pipe with a dead rodent. (See attached ad)</em> </span></span></div><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div></span><div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU3q9wnLqPxYo_ygobFkuUt6TQFUmxh6lABzlr4pe2xAtc_tQt9dzSig2MCmToBKkX9XWa31EQyEtY2EPGnVdJM981Mi329p9BiUGy82zDtDc7KJHUTkoMoBW36o7qovhFIEvQBX5DvXg4/s1600/squirrel.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><img border="0" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU3q9wnLqPxYo_ygobFkuUt6TQFUmxh6lABzlr4pe2xAtc_tQt9dzSig2MCmToBKkX9XWa31EQyEtY2EPGnVdJM981Mi329p9BiUGy82zDtDc7KJHUTkoMoBW36o7qovhFIEvQBX5DvXg4/s320/squirrel.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><strong>CARROLL:</strong> Wow.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;"><strong>ME:</strong> </span><br />
<br />
<em><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;">One of us should probably get back to work. It's not gonna be me, though.</span> </span></em></span></span> <div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"> </span></div><span style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"></span></span>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-89836119912974105712011-05-25T04:25:00.000-07:002011-05-25T04:25:48.082-07:00Porn isn't a currency. Although it should be.I regularly troll the classifieds for <strike>things I don't need</strike> bargains and I found this gem:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7b1l51z5s3op_iCDRDpMt38vbMWdegR4przGdJNZensMiEjgjJDYG65xspO_TmIytT9b0WN3OHqohV-Lm8X8tD1JlMlWeOsCEjx24IYgLFBFw0envBk-oYCfbDxn-C_eQjthfErLuP9sB/s1600/untitled.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7b1l51z5s3op_iCDRDpMt38vbMWdegR4przGdJNZensMiEjgjJDYG65xspO_TmIytT9b0WN3OHqohV-Lm8X8tD1JlMlWeOsCEjx24IYgLFBFw0envBk-oYCfbDxn-C_eQjthfErLuP9sB/s640/untitled.bmp" width="640" /></a></div><br />
I'm sorry. Porn is not a currency. I've never heard of the explorers swopping land with the Indians in exchange for illicit etchings.Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-83432592426023922752011-05-19T07:28:00.001-07:002011-05-19T07:28:17.490-07:00Plastic. It's marketing kryptonite.So, I went to an exhibition for Marketing Professionals today. I enjoyed it because all the other marketers were trying to sell their stuff and it’s virtually impossible to come up with a sales pitch for me. <br />
<br />
SALES PEOPLE: “Hi, I’d like to tell you about our awesome new exhibition material stand/radio station/magazine that will really boost your business. What do you do?”<br />
<br />
ME: “We make rigid extruded thermoplastic sheeting.” <br />
<br />
SALES PEOPLE: “Um.”<br />
<br />
ME: “Basically we take polymer beads and melt them and put them through a big machine and then it becomes a big, hard plastic sheet.”<br />
<br />
SALES PEOPLE: “That’s interesting…”<br />
<br />
ME: “Let’s talk about your ideas for a jingle!”Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-56250658806737458952011-04-11T02:17:00.003-07:002011-04-11T02:17:02.108-07:00The New Cat is highly defectiveThe cat is extremely messed up. <br />
<br />
Not only is it asthmatic and wheezes in a very judgmental and pathetic way when SuperDave lights up a smoke, he also pretends like he is starving every second of the day and eats bread, veggies, things that fall off the table, things that stick to the cutting board, things that I leave lying around, flies and the cardboard fluff that comes off the scratch post.<br />
<br />
And if no one gets up at 4.15 exactly (which is when he opens his little demon eyes), he claws and cries until EVERYONE gets up. Naturally, everyone has told us “just ignore him” until he stops. That doesn’t WORK with this cat, people. When ignored, this cat simply flings himself from the second-storey balcony onto the golf course below like a high-rise victim trying to escape a factory fire. Then SuperDave has to run downstairs in the wee morning hours and spend at least half an hour trying to extract him from underneath various cars, cursing and inevitably waking the neighbors.<br />
<br />
The reason the cat goes into hiding within seconds of his dramatic escape is because he is, not surprisingly, severely xeno- and agoraphobic. Once he gets outside he cowers fearfully in corners, making it seem like we have so relentlessly abused him that he fears all human contact. I can feel the neighbor’s judgmental eyes following us as we drag him back to the flat, nails digging into the asphalt, eyes rolling dramatically. (Of course, the minute we get him home he plunks down on my cushion and licks his balls like nothing happened. Ass.) <br />
<br />
I think its karma for when I was little and used to scream, No, Mommy, no! and shield my face in a very cringing way when my mother wouldn’t buy me candy.Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-49885749570969793832011-03-29T02:23:00.000-07:002011-03-29T02:23:01.708-07:00I suck at this!I have not yet mastered adult reasoning. <br />
In fact, I still barter with myself on a regular basis, e.g. do something mature…in exchange for spending the entire afternoon at work online shopping and buying pajama-jeans in three different color. It’s like my brain is this weird marketplace where scaly Portuguese men try to sell me junk to clutter up my home in exchange for coolie labor (much like the market in Greenmarket Square. I should totally go there this weekend. I haven’t bought a giant inflatable mallet in ages.)<br />
<br />
For example, I cleaned the bathroom on Sunday. I even bought cleaning supplies! (SuperDave made me throw out my cleaning supplies when he saw how much mould was growing on the bottle of mould-remover). Don’t get me wrong: I love buying cleaning supplies. Lemony-scented kitchen wipes. Bathroom sprays. Oven cleaner. Those cans of dust spray that seem to do absolutely nothing to the furniture but smell really good in a toxicky kinda way…ah bliss. I could shop in that aisle for hours. I just don’t enjoy using them. <br />
<br />
That being said, I scrubbed the tub, sink, faucets and toilet until it sparkled. For three seconds. The cat, who regularly pees on his own feet, likes to play in the bathroom right now. But even as I sat on the couch, thinking, I need to clean the tub again, my messed-up brain was telling me: “No, Essie. You washed the tub 3 days ago. You shouldn’t have to do it again today.” Then it got cocky: “You shouldn’t have to wash the tub EVER AGAIN.”<br />
<br />
Every day when I pass that bathroom and think, I need to start being a motherf*cking adult and clean that thing, my brain tells me not to. After all, I did pay rent this month. <br />
<br />
Does anyone else DO this? Here’s my list of subconscious payoffs:<br />
<br />
ADULT ACT: Ate coucous for lunch<br />
PAYOFF: Good job! You now may eat chicken waffles deep-fried in bacon grease covered in mayonnaise and blue cheese for dinner.<br />
<br />
ADULT ACT: Completed assignment on time at work<br />
PAYOFF: Good job! Now you can safely spend the next 7 ½ hours of the workday reading back posts of The Oatmeal and still feel productive. <br />
<br />
ADULT ACT: Fed the cat<br />
PAYOFF: Wow. That was hard. Don’t bother clean the litter tray. The poop will turn into dust eventually, thus becoming its own cat sand. It’s economical, really. <br />
<br />
ADULT ACT: Paid the bills<br />
PAYOFF: Let’s go gambling! You might get your rent money back! <br />
<br />
ADULT ACT: Went to work<br />
PAYOFF: Go to Monkeyland!<br />
<br />
ADULT ACT: Bought life insurance<br />
PAYOFF: Buy a ferret!<br />
<br />
ADULT ACT: Invest money in shares<br />
PAYOFF: Invest money in comic books!Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-6363178909031459012011-03-29T00:30:00.000-07:002011-03-29T00:30:26.162-07:00Happy Birthday, Ouma!My grandmother is turning 86 today! My grandma is awesome for a number of reasons. <br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaYYbi3ARYh4dbILnMpuIGkuqb1B_WGNBtF4MP-ZnpdsH-wVsSCNzZdX_-L0lmwIkYr4KLPNNUV5j0vMBWPVtMEdZmpqkN1wzRgrEWDyDf8v8Uuy_NK_YXW6eVCEoS3X2KqNVUQtglq9Y/s1600/ouma+2.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnaYYbi3ARYh4dbILnMpuIGkuqb1B_WGNBtF4MP-ZnpdsH-wVsSCNzZdX_-L0lmwIkYr4KLPNNUV5j0vMBWPVtMEdZmpqkN1wzRgrEWDyDf8v8Uuy_NK_YXW6eVCEoS3X2KqNVUQtglq9Y/s640/ouma+2.bmp" width="521" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>1) She still lives by herself in a little house, which is amazing considering that she is legally blind and still fearlessly crosses the road all by herself. When pressed about when she'll move out of the little house into some sort of assisted care facility, she always says, "When I'm dead, you can take my corpse anywhere you want to."<br />
<br />
2) She had six kids. <br />
<br />
3) When I was small, she hit me over the head with a rolled up magazine for backtalking to my mother and told me I was a "bloody bitch". I was instantly in awe of her because I didn't know that old people swore.<br />
<br />
4) For saying, "You are too thin. Get fat like your cousin", and then pointing at my cousin. <br />
<br />
5) For telling the people on Bold & The Beautiful who to have sex with because she didn't want the actors she liked hooking up with "the mean ones". <br />
<br />
6) For saying, "Halleleujah" when I told her I was getting divorced.<br />
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7) For letting all of us stay at her house whenever we're in the area and then having sandwiches ready when we get there. <br />
<br />
8) Because she believed in letting kids sort out their own problems. In fact, she would let her boys move the beds out of the bedroom so that they can beat each other up rather than keep her awake with their arguing. <br />
<br />
9) For pulling the BEST practical jokes, baking the best cookies and painstakingly cooking vats of apricot jam every year as long as I can remember. And back when her eyesight was good, she used to knit me these woolen socks to sleep in that I first hated getting for Christmas and then adored and then missed more than I ever thought I would.<br />
<br />
10) For introducing herself to our boyfriends: "What's your name? Nevermind, I won't remember. These girls have so many of you young guys coming and going..." <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-OfZ6HG_o54OkeJMjzT10NjoFAl1MvFMkZDoEgbZDJRHVSiw5DBxFKJiTmBw8Qzku9dZHHML5gJhPEToSMTI9U-GPfWlbT5cpjocY51vei32kw-208tRfJUbo1Uy75i93B3j4Pm5SFASo/s1600/168189_154017847981488_100001198228483_256425_3813668_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-OfZ6HG_o54OkeJMjzT10NjoFAl1MvFMkZDoEgbZDJRHVSiw5DBxFKJiTmBw8Qzku9dZHHML5gJhPEToSMTI9U-GPfWlbT5cpjocY51vei32kw-208tRfJUbo1Uy75i93B3j4Pm5SFASo/s400/168189_154017847981488_100001198228483_256425_3813668_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>With my aunt, uncle & cousins having a dignified cup of coffee</em></div><br />
I love you, Ouma, and hope you have a great day :)Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-3303077103801087392011-03-25T06:29:00.000-07:002011-03-25T06:29:40.144-07:00You may or may not be birdbrained...Because I have terrible sense of direction, I always prepare whenever I have to drive somewhere. This week, Dave and I are going to some adreline-weekend-4x4 event that requires you to drive off-road and hike places. (I’ll be spending the day in the beer tent. Thank you for asking.)<br />
I printed a map at work and gave him the directions. He glanced it at vaguely. “Thanks.”<br />
<br />
“Keep it.”<br />
<br />
“No.”<br />
<br />
“Why?”<br />
<br />
“I know exactly where it is.”<br />
<br />
“Have you been there before?”<br />
<br />
“No, but I’ve already committed the map to memory.”<br />
<br />
“You didn’t even look at it!”<br />
<br />
“Don’t need to.”<br />
<br />
(Pause) “Did the government implant a chip in your brain when you were in the military?”<br />
<br />
Glare. <br />
<br />
“Are you sure you don’t remember a time when you maybe woke up in a lab with bandages wrapped around your head and no recollection of where you’ve been the day before?”<br />
<br />
Glare.<br />
<br />
“OK, but just THINK about it…” <br />
<br />
NOTE: I’m always messing crumbs around the house and yet when I get home they are GONE. The only logical explanation is that SuperDave is in fact part homing-pigeon, part-man. <br />
<br />
NOTE: Or maybe someone sweeps. <br />
<br />
NOTE: Paranoia isn’t so bad. At least I’m PRETTY sure I have all of my own brain. Of course, if someone erased your memory, you wouldn’t remember. So we have every REASON to be paranoid.Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-44068635284667345222011-03-22T01:06:00.000-07:002011-03-22T01:06:24.412-07:00Taking a hikeI found pictures of the hike me and Dave took in December. It wasn't much fun because I have the outdoor skills of Paris Hilton. And the fitness of her Chihuahua. Plus it rained so our idea of having a picnic by the waterfalls turned into...taking our lunch for a cold, wet walk. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUgFUz7Vgl1rcNpkCm1BB8hKiYL_wqczqfI-BhrNU-j8LRIxQi_oCIDLTAqjxHBmRXpTPxHyzyPpD5MR9XHMn2LjAkPdBdh12mgvgbXQRw8ITNi9GkUaa4T7AkMot4xXrRDbbwgtm3E84l/s1600/SDC11634.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUgFUz7Vgl1rcNpkCm1BB8hKiYL_wqczqfI-BhrNU-j8LRIxQi_oCIDLTAqjxHBmRXpTPxHyzyPpD5MR9XHMn2LjAkPdBdh12mgvgbXQRw8ITNi9GkUaa4T7AkMot4xXrRDbbwgtm3E84l/s400/SDC11634.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>"Don't touch the brown dog"</em></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAKlRxPZvyAKRs0LN9Mk_M3mO-9ZbZdp-G5R-hiLGS4Q2Kofqcs4TxLlHWkg1D5E8WsdqLmOF_pC0bkerf_ayrKPQ1iVhPZ8-yEzTwsgOFBwyJ86zCKffBaXl28GvB9YZYIUp3WCAc6Fue/s1600/SDC11635+%25282%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAKlRxPZvyAKRs0LN9Mk_M3mO-9ZbZdp-G5R-hiLGS4Q2Kofqcs4TxLlHWkg1D5E8WsdqLmOF_pC0bkerf_ayrKPQ1iVhPZ8-yEzTwsgOFBwyJ86zCKffBaXl28GvB9YZYIUp3WCAc6Fue/s400/SDC11635+%25282%2529.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><em> Dave totally touched the brown dog.</em></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMxrJL50-Mj9Xv-9vH000nEWlBzX2XrHDZ1z7nv_O79bk68bScM8DsMRjZkynVnIDK-c2Ok493ZWLnCnHShOgHByABKy4IDHnO9UShWEQz53aSjBWjpjG0Sm1JyACv1Zvc6VaACLdNwCxz/s1600/SDC11636.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMxrJL50-Mj9Xv-9vH000nEWlBzX2XrHDZ1z7nv_O79bk68bScM8DsMRjZkynVnIDK-c2Ok493ZWLnCnHShOgHByABKy4IDHnO9UShWEQz53aSjBWjpjG0Sm1JyACv1Zvc6VaACLdNwCxz/s400/SDC11636.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div align="center"><em>The rainbow made it worth it.</em></div>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-30140524788072802282011-03-18T01:03:00.000-07:002011-03-18T01:03:24.985-07:00Does it say Animal Shelter on my door or what?<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbKRX5kICltoigk1Rf9Gf511ZmK_E34v88E-Dxs5ix7YmqITcQWFVdxTbZ8ow-HctvVjJI9eQWSeDEjatXj0Xavu0BZCBjmPgxongIckV8Q2F2nBaxiEDslw04xkpwyRCibGeJU_oi94Xg/s1600/SDC11684.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbKRX5kICltoigk1Rf9Gf511ZmK_E34v88E-Dxs5ix7YmqITcQWFVdxTbZ8ow-HctvVjJI9eQWSeDEjatXj0Xavu0BZCBjmPgxongIckV8Q2F2nBaxiEDslw04xkpwyRCibGeJU_oi94Xg/s400/SDC11684.JPG" width="266" /></a>The gay Pakistani gentlemen that lives in my complex brought dropped off a little present. His name is Panthera, and he is a three-month kitten. Apparently the rightful owners were neglectful, so he decided to give him to us. We’ve got a reputation for stealing other people’s pets because the people below us has a cat that drinks out of our toilet from time to time and also because SuperDave rescued an Alsatian and kept it in the flat while he waited for Animal Rescue. He also subsequently rescued the Alsatian after it fell in the pool in its excitement to get to the flat…At first I was nervous because you can't just allow waves of homosexual Eastern men bringing you animals and we aren't technically allowed to have pets but he is very sweet and well-behaved. </div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I bought him a little ball yesterday that goes “Glinga-glinga” when he swats it. He loves the sound and was absolutely adorable when started chasing it at about 5 pm when I got home.</div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Of course, at 3 am when all you can hear is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Glingaglingaglingaglingaglingaglingaglingaglinga</i>…the cute factor is reduced. </div></div><div align="left" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-59151141589260330832011-03-01T01:46:00.000-08:002011-03-01T01:46:08.263-08:00I'm not sure exactly what I do but it's not goodMy professional goal is to figure out exactly what I do. I know my company manufactures Abcryl, ABS and other plastics. But I'm not exactly sure what that is. So I spent a day googling.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUfuYvROMofna-YIpkM8R99KSM2_eYnZPxC1QrdJKGilT9Rw9HNxe-7ICIyvISVGLLCMh-DOpD_bfCZyNhjIDHg-f9iwgC3WT53skxhu6bDkK72VYEHXO36F-brZCRA_yLaY6KpiguOAEt/s1600/plastic+2.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="328" l6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUfuYvROMofna-YIpkM8R99KSM2_eYnZPxC1QrdJKGilT9Rw9HNxe-7ICIyvISVGLLCMh-DOpD_bfCZyNhjIDHg-f9iwgC3WT53skxhu6bDkK72VYEHXO36F-brZCRA_yLaY6KpiguOAEt/s640/plastic+2.bmp" width="640" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVeUADGJ4IId7EZRMAiwA80yKWO2JCv3fG1hRfAV62_wofdtWPuhj4-MtBuCRD2NHxh3oMlnV6SxDHTUJQ3s5DXK679FIrpMR9f7h15ItuNGvNnnxcQc9sqgrsRQLMtN5lQGNsI_-rQk6t/s1600/abcryl.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="314" l6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVeUADGJ4IId7EZRMAiwA80yKWO2JCv3fG1hRfAV62_wofdtWPuhj4-MtBuCRD2NHxh3oMlnV6SxDHTUJQ3s5DXK679FIrpMR9f7h15ItuNGvNnnxcQc9sqgrsRQLMtN5lQGNsI_-rQk6t/s640/abcryl.bmp" width="640" /></a></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0J6T_Sop2kXVq89HaPpTmE1QB-QH8BTBNQZzZsNG7EAn2lzLPJkgPcEUWaBM8uSc1wCI0mzhCYLgEEPu_NKsMmTiqpOTP97jdr0t0sUezBqV8ijPtn7sLbMi6ZzQsLSoSySADNQTkkoto/s1600/plastic+3.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="248" l6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0J6T_Sop2kXVq89HaPpTmE1QB-QH8BTBNQZzZsNG7EAn2lzLPJkgPcEUWaBM8uSc1wCI0mzhCYLgEEPu_NKsMmTiqpOTP97jdr0t0sUezBqV8ijPtn7sLbMi6ZzQsLSoSySADNQTkkoto/s640/plastic+3.bmp" width="640" /></a></div>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-87175786700144437472011-02-28T04:56:00.000-08:002011-02-28T04:56:15.617-08:00Something to keep on file just in case your boss accuses you of googling porn at work<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt2u51UEXZp7nObXvm6ZiqEudCoajnCT4AT3unLjEtmWn6WD7BNM1WiVEvbqUn-aojltZjk_Nt5gUZ5mIbWuXwdYGVd2NPZI254s3QXwT0jQt_s-gFKH31tN0JF_DNpFVyHfDIEedh7in5/s1600/44225_slide.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="492" l6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt2u51UEXZp7nObXvm6ZiqEudCoajnCT4AT3unLjEtmWn6WD7BNM1WiVEvbqUn-aojltZjk_Nt5gUZ5mIbWuXwdYGVd2NPZI254s3QXwT0jQt_s-gFKH31tN0JF_DNpFVyHfDIEedh7in5/s640/44225_slide.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>See, it was perfectly innocent :)Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-57486884030773890952011-02-21T02:50:00.000-08:002011-02-21T02:50:59.072-08:00Volunteerism: Fuck it.<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">I surprised and disgusted everyone when I failed to volunteer to go to <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Johannesburg</place></city> for a conference next week. I know they all expected me to, but I didn’t. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">BOSS: “…and there will be a conference next week, and I need one of the marketing people to go with me. Estelle?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
ME: “No.” </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">BOSS: “Don’t you want to be a jetsetter?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">ME: “No.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">BOSS: “Don’t you want to meet the CEO?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">ME: “No.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
BOSS: “It’ll be good for your career.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">ME: “They always say that. But it never comes true. And then you are overworked and underpaid and also in <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Johannesburg</place></city>.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">BOSS: “Come on…”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">ME: “No.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">BOSS: “Wouldn’t you rather see the world than be stuck in the office?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">ME: “I would rather grow testicles and have midgets repeatedly punch me in them before I go to <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Johannesburg</place></city> for no goddamn reason.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">OK, I didn’t actually say that last part. But I hate air travel. Here’s why.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><ol style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Getting at the airport 2 hours ahead of the flight as advised, checking in within 2 minutes and then spending the other 118 minutes aimlessly milling around the deserted airport, buying overpriced drinks from stores you do not like. </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Lady sitting next to you talking to you for the entire duration of the flight.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Lady sitting next to you breastfeeding for the entire duration of the flight.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Fat man arm on your shoulder.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Removing your laptop and shoes and belt and change and cellphone and chucking it in the little bin while impatient people crowd up behind you. </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Crappy movies. The last time I flew the TV broke and Prince of Persia started playing and I had to sit there helplessly while it happened to me.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Being unable to get my shampoo and deodorant into 30ml bottles and having it leak over my clothes in my luggage.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">The four in-flight food groups: white meat (of some kind), hard rice, powdered something (just add water to enjoy your delicious eggs/mashed potatoes/chocolate milk/soy burger), and that juice in a plastic tub that will never expire, no matter what you do to it.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">People who stand up in the window seats when the plane lands EVEN THOUGH there is no way they are leaving the plane within the next 10 minutes. </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Possibility of death in horrible fiery crash. </li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">What do you hate most about flying? Or Johannesburg? Either one is fine. </div>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-53003154960180987222011-02-15T23:45:00.001-08:002011-02-15T23:45:14.048-08:00Top Ten Lies My Mother told me as a ChildIf you are in your 20s, you’ve probably figured out that your parents have lied to you your whole life. I’m not even talking about Santa Claus or the Easter bunny. These are mere trifles. My mother has come up with brilliant, gypsy-like, oddball wisdom over the years which surely – had I been any less stable-minded than I already am – would have resulted in a total nervous breakdown/school shooting/bombing of some kind as an adult. <br />
<br />
1. “If you don’t wash your hair, pumpkins will grow in it and it will get too heavy for your head and will fall off.”<br />
2. “If you sit on a table, you will never be able to get a husband. Well, I don’t care what you think. I never sat on tables and I have a husband.”<br />
3. “Chewing gum is made out of old, melted tyres. If you swallow it, they will knot your guts together. And you will STARVE.”<br />
4. “Don’t pull faces. If you pull faces and someone rings the doorbell, it will stay like that forever. Seriously. I know people like that.”<br />
5. “If you fail your English test, the government will make a record of it in your permanent file and you will never be able to get a job. You’ll have to work in a sewage plant for ten hours a day and sleep in a box. I’m just saying.”<br />
6. “Don’t swallow the pips [of the watermelon]. It grows into a plant in your stomach. Its your choice, but those plants get pretty big.”<br />
7. “Wash your hands after you’ve been to the store. People spit on the cans and then you touch them and get germs.”<br />
8. “Just put half a potato on your wart and bury it at night. It’ll fall off…no, I don’t know how it works. It just does.” <br />
9. “I don’t know where babies come from. You weren’t a baby. You were a baboon your dad and I caught and shaved. Why?...I don’t know why. But doesn’t it explain a lot?”<br />
10. “Lock your car door! If you leave it unlocked, a hobo will grab you out of the car and run away when we stop at the traffic light.” <br />
<br />
Please share your favorite parental bullshit memories below.Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-20550109938986816662011-02-14T03:04:00.000-08:002011-02-14T03:09:19.055-08:00Happy Valentine's DaySo far the day has been surprisingly unsucky...I received roses and a card, a chocolate heart and a depressed looking teddybear impaled on a plastic rose. (That last one was a gift from the receptionist, who wanted to do my astrological chart this morning. I would have totally let her do it but I want to work her for at least three months before letting them all know how strange I am.)<br />
Managed to move in over the weekend with the help of SuperDave. Actually, he didn't so much "help" me as "totally do the whole thing while I slept." (He tried piling boxes on top of me in protest, but I didn't wake up for that. But that explains why I've been having weird dreams about being a hobo.) I even managed to de-virus my computer but now it keeps bringing up this weird pop-up asking me "Do you want more privacy?" which makes me suspect that the computer suspects I am viewing copious amounts of porn at work. And that it's judging me.<br />
<br />
If your Valentine's Day is more sucky, here's a lovely vintage card for you which proves that gay people have been around since the 20s:<br />
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnfx3vqBmSs4mBoP4Gio-dq5OOT3GZh2-kcwNrGZL6Mby9FMSmstgT_ULAHXU7L-YZTTzN5HvwmbMjulpwY-GTKVrVRSPTxm7Agk33A-oLCMl4FAlPy46bbKatVMG6j2Vgv_mIHQE67nVt/s1600/picture.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" h5="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnfx3vqBmSs4mBoP4Gio-dq5OOT3GZh2-kcwNrGZL6Mby9FMSmstgT_ULAHXU7L-YZTTzN5HvwmbMjulpwY-GTKVrVRSPTxm7Agk33A-oLCMl4FAlPy46bbKatVMG6j2Vgv_mIHQE67nVt/s400/picture.JPG" width="302" /></a></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Yes. Nothings says I love you like a fat cop waving a dildo threatening to cop a feel. Happy Valentine's Day!Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-55892148066008519332011-01-28T01:43:00.000-08:002011-01-28T01:49:24.647-08:00My drunk accounting face looks sad...So, I went for an interview at this company that works with rigid plastic sheeting and apparently got the job. Rigid plastic sheeting sounds boring but I was so desperate for employment I literally read up everything there is to know about things like polyprophalyne and how to use plastic roofing to let natural light in through your ceiling and had a long, animated discussion with the interviewer about it but then he stopped me short by asking me about Kanji. <br />
<br />
PS. I had forgotten I put "speaks basic Japanese" on my resume. <br />
PPS. It's true. <br />
PPPS. Well, it used to be true. In addition to forgetting I had put it on my resume, I had forgotten how to speak it. Damn. <br />
PPPPS. Then I realized that the interviewer doesn't speak any Japanese so I just made up a lot of bullshit to impress him. I apologize to the Japanese people for misrepresenting your culture, etc. If you are Japanese and feel raw about it, call me and I'll take you out for sushi. You guys like that, right? <br />
<br />
Anywayyyyy, I took Dave out for a beer cause it was hot and he was my begrudging navigator ("So where exactly is your interview?" "Um...I dunno." "What's the company called?" "Um...Plastic...Something?") and then the recruitment agent called me all excited and told me that the job was 99,9% mine and the guy loved me. 99.9% is good odds so we decided to get 99.9% drunk and celebratory. <br />
<br />
Eventually I got home but I spent the entire night yacking up my celebratory liquid diet and only got to sleep at 4 am. Dave was not impressed. ("Are you asleep?" "I was. It's 3 am" "I need you to drive me to the hospital" "You are FINE! You're just drunk!" "I never get drunk. This is serious. I probably have cancer!" "GO TO SLEEP" "FINE! BUT YOU WILL BE SORRY WHEN YOU ROLL MY DEAD CORPSE OUT OF BED TOMORROW!") <br />
<br />
Side note: Dave was right. I was just drunk. Who would have thought.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I got woken up at 8 am by my prospective employer, who said that in order to secure the remaining 0.01% needed to secure the job, all I had to do was prepare a report on the accounting theory of constraints. As in, now.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7A3VvVeTnrsM9d1BcCK7zJOn3X1SC0D1PMA3jxy7qJepqfS7XEQpjS4zcvaq04jjeiP-raLENe0ADjRCtgE-uxAzQvbzKa0HOuiCA0uJRCQHDsyAXS6TDYfuQvpBiMPlJRA2xLacQySug/s1600/Picture0176.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" s5="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7A3VvVeTnrsM9d1BcCK7zJOn3X1SC0D1PMA3jxy7qJepqfS7XEQpjS4zcvaq04jjeiP-raLENe0ADjRCtgE-uxAzQvbzKa0HOuiCA0uJRCQHDsyAXS6TDYfuQvpBiMPlJRA2xLacQySug/s400/Picture0176.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>Drunk accounting at 8 am</em></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Full of bravado at having mastered the plastic industry in under 24 hours, I immediately responded with "That's no problem. There is literally nothing I don't know about the Theory of Constraints." </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Looking back, this was not an accurate representation of what I remember about the theory of constraints (nothing). </div><br />
But I managed to do it. And now know more about costing and management accounting drunk than most people do sober. If that doesn't impress prospective employers, I don't know what will.Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-66286955548958484142011-01-26T08:48:00.000-08:002011-01-26T08:48:16.838-08:00Visit Dave's site. Or he'll shoot you.SuperDave has started up his own blog - <a href="http://www.camelmandave.blogspot.com/">http://www.camelmandave.blogspot.com/</a>. It's a blog for butch manly men who like manly pursuits. Like driving around in nature in a big Landrover. And log-throwing. I don't know. But you should read it. Your man card points automatically increase by 5 if you do.Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-43215575734415403082011-01-20T00:23:00.000-08:002011-01-20T00:23:08.343-08:00Weedie diedSuperDave killed my cat Sweeney's best friend. <br />
It sounds bad, but it isn't, considering that Sweeney's best friend is a weed growing in our porch. (Yes, even my cat is a loser.)<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS0_s35l8EtPRt1amajZ8-aA2RthqHlDq31Ux2mpB1lt01cjZGTn0stuDrUSrMCZnUe8FwSAeh5VO4ljYD18CQz3PdI1iqJQcvFXJ-IQsGPBJX0R5in5fnh122ZK8QuCr1WwrJA8AFvvZi/s1600/19012011004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" s5="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS0_s35l8EtPRt1amajZ8-aA2RthqHlDq31Ux2mpB1lt01cjZGTn0stuDrUSrMCZnUe8FwSAeh5VO4ljYD18CQz3PdI1iqJQcvFXJ-IQsGPBJX0R5in5fnh122ZK8QuCr1WwrJA8AFvvZi/s400/19012011004.jpg" width="300" /></a></div><div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">He did it to avenge our new leather couch, which Sweeney maliciously destroyed for NO GODDAMN APPARENT REASON. But later he felt bad and replanted it. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">You know you are treating a pet like a real, human child when you feed him, cuddle him, buy him his own toys and when he grows up - you take his weed away.</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrRzUEEOeM9_fW2hFcseJE04mRmx0BiGpgBMYYiVhAUZDtnHbKF3MLu4q0GdzXUrmGWeIxAT0bCSoY-vSLhfwcjym_xn5mF87sDWP6zz020RYywzIzXE2zEqSg-SC2tItWE0OdqPMeeJ8x/s1600/weedie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" s5="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrRzUEEOeM9_fW2hFcseJE04mRmx0BiGpgBMYYiVhAUZDtnHbKF3MLu4q0GdzXUrmGWeIxAT0bCSoY-vSLhfwcjym_xn5mF87sDWP6zz020RYywzIzXE2zEqSg-SC2tItWE0OdqPMeeJ8x/s400/weedie.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-52437668755125463392011-01-19T05:41:00.000-08:002011-01-19T05:56:56.264-08:00This post is long but I am unemployed and have nothing else to write about except daytime TV and crippling depression. Trust me, this is betterRecently I've been watching this show called Army wives. It's a bunch of bull. The dialogue is completely unrealistic. It's just normal people that wear camo gear and talk about their feelings. In real life, it's very different. For example: Whatever minute crummy thing happens to me, has already happened to SuperDave twice...<em>but with Nazis shooting at him</em>. Not to mention living with his overwhelming COMPETENCE at 8 am when I am still sitting on the foot of my bed surveying the room with bleary eyes trying to gather up enough willpower to drag the slippers closer with my big toe and he’s already jogged 20 km and saved his second busload of orphans teetering over the edge of a cliff. Or something similar - I wouldn't know, I never get up before 10 am. <br />
<br />
Anyhoo, this is how I would re-write the dialogue to make it more realistic:<br />
<br />
ARMY WIFE: “So what was the army like?”<br />
ARMY GUY: “That’s classified.”<br />
<br />
ARMY WIFE: “I’m having a problem with my friend. She’s being mean.”<br />
ARMY GUY: “Someone in my unit was mean to me once. I shot him.”<br />
<br />
ARMY WIFE: “Got you a Colonel Burger.”<br />
ARMY GUY: “That burger is at the very best a sergeant-major.” <br />
<br />
ARMY WIFE: “You don’t know what it’s like being stabbed in the back...”<br />
ARMY GUY: “Yes I do. With a bayonet. See, I have the scar RIGHT here. But no, your friend telling everyone at the party that you were the one who threw up over the rosebushes...that’s awful.” <br />
<br />
ARMY WIFE: “Have you ever travelled abroad?”<br />
ARMY GUY: “The official statement I am required to give is...no." <br />
<br />
ARMY WIFE: “I cut my finger!”<br />
ARMY GUY: “I once had 10 pieces of shrapnel in my legs while I was carrying two legless men through a minefield...then I floated above my own body towards the blinding white light. You have a papercut. Stop whining.”<br />
<br />
ARMY WIFE: “Oh, no, thank you, I don’t eat pork.”<br />
ARMY GUY: “I once had to eat my own foot to survive. But you’re right. Pork sucks.”<br />
<br />
ARMY WIFE: “My trip sucked. It rained all weekend.”<br />
ARMY GUY: “Yes, I went to that country once. Killer ninjas fired at me, and put bamboo shoots up my fingernails. But no, I’m sorry the hotel overcooked your eggs in the morning. That’s MUCH worse.”<br />
<br />
ARMY GUY: “What are you doing?<br />
ARMY WIFE: “Blogging.” <br />
ARMY GUY: “Stop putting classified information on the Internet!”<br />
ARMY WIFE: “Well, all the GOOD stuff is classified.”<br />
<br />
(Ok, that last one was a direct quote from SuperDave.) Kudos, Army friends.Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-69985926018411028342011-01-18T06:33:00.000-08:002011-01-18T06:37:27.348-08:00Oh let them eat cake...(and by "them", I mean "me"!)I am still grievously unemployed. Apparently no one is yet ready to behold the marketing glory that is me. Let me summarize the extremely frustrating interview experiences thus far.<br />
<br />
EMPLOYER: "This job only pays R6000 per month...it says here you've already earned more than that?"<br />
<br />
ESSIE: "Yes, that's right. I am willing to work for less."<br />
<br />
EMPLOYER: "I am sorry, we cannot accept your application."<br />
<br />
ESSIE: "Why not?"<br />
<br />
EMPLOYER: "You want too little money."<br />
<br />
ESSIE (long pause): "Um...isn't that my problem?"<br />
<br />
EMPLOYER: "If we hire you, you will leave us to earn more money. You should just find a job that pays a salary closer to what you are used to."<br />
<br />
ESSIE: "The whole reason I am APPLYING for your shitty low-paying job is because I can't find ANY form of work that pays what I'm used to." <br />
<br />
EMPLOYER: "We do offer wonderful unpaid internships."<br />
<br />
ESSIE: "How is NO money better than a little bit of money?"<br />
<br />
EMPLOYER: "If you accept this wonderful unpaid internship, you will work with us 5 days a week plus overtime and will learn a lot with the possibility of advancement to management. Eventually." <br />
<br />
ESSIE: "I don't want to be a wonderful unpaid intern. I want to pay my rent."<br />
<br />
EMPLOYER: "It is a wonderful growth opportunity."<br />
<br />
ESSIE: "If you want someone who will work hard for free, you should have changed your ad from "Marketing Assistant, 3-5 yrs experience wanted" to "Gullible idiots who believe they will actually be promoted and given real grownup money soon apply here"." <br />
<br />
EMPLOYER: "We cannot hire you. You look prone to violence. Please leave." <br />
<br />
The good news is, I have virtually no standards left and will literally take any job I am offered. My unique skill set includes yoghurt making, cat grooming, garden gnome sculpting and the ability to destroy virtually any electronic device I am given, much like a human EMP. Oh, and 5 years' worth of marketing and PR experience and a degree from a substandard university. Let me know!Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-57604412797834587232011-01-13T02:44:00.000-08:002011-01-13T02:44:12.960-08:00Once again yeast infection medication makes me laughI was in the bathroom at the Paarl Mall this morning and noticed this piece of advertising brilliance: Yeast Infection? Don't beat around the Bush...<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgro9aeUDmFSsrajqhoKwY8amT7OfsQfHRCQi97-4XcdvYwn2tcnrkIL3Dex8H_i8Wha2BWcXKnJFrQ9xXzaDM6D-EDDxNZsDeRUb4d5Jj9gMmB2iuEsV34LWEF3_jeHnbSqjX2jKIgQ8dS/s1600/13012011001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgro9aeUDmFSsrajqhoKwY8amT7OfsQfHRCQi97-4XcdvYwn2tcnrkIL3Dex8H_i8Wha2BWcXKnJFrQ9xXzaDM6D-EDDxNZsDeRUb4d5Jj9gMmB2iuEsV34LWEF3_jeHnbSqjX2jKIgQ8dS/s640/13012011001.jpg" width="480" /></a></div><br />
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I wish I had become a vagina medicine marketer. I would have such...POTENTIAL for greatness.Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-82062849981668818932010-12-15T00:49:00.000-08:002010-12-15T00:49:42.250-08:00Spiders are evil and want to eat your brain<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6WtpDTLAOmQS1MZkqUsctK3BcAyquweTL7YXa4l9eDzD0RTkTfFuCxx2GDNh9qIJjWOEfZLuLteX6EGyZv10wV6-OwluEQEwin2Vh2fk53R7c9oZHTGMzT8iojggIcjOn1FxCSsAXvAPL/s1600/africanhuntsman_spider.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6WtpDTLAOmQS1MZkqUsctK3BcAyquweTL7YXa4l9eDzD0RTkTfFuCxx2GDNh9qIJjWOEfZLuLteX6EGyZv10wV6-OwluEQEwin2Vh2fk53R7c9oZHTGMzT8iojggIcjOn1FxCSsAXvAPL/s320/africanhuntsman_spider.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I went to take a shower yesterday and found SHELOB THE SPIDER from Lord of the Rings in my bathroom. Horrified, I sent a photo to Butterfly World near my house, asking the </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">entomologist on staff for identification and advice. </span><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Here’s what she wrote back:</span><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Dear Estelle</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Though not absolutely clear from the photo it would appear that you have a rain spider (Sparassidae) or giant crab spider in your home. Rain spiders are identified by their legs, which are twisted in a crab-like fashion. They also have 8 eyes and are typically brown or dark grey. You are right that the spider heard you when you yelled, as their hearing is quite good...although I cannot account for the spider’s behaviour if he did, as you put it, “wave it’s little arms at you menacingly, as if shaking a fist”. The females occasionally make threatening movements to protect their egg sacs, it is quite possible that this is what happened. </span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">These spiders CAN bite humans, although <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>this very rarely happens</u></b> and the bite is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">completely harmless</b>. These are very beneficial spiders to have in your home as they feed on insects – mainly cockroaches. </span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I’d like to thank you for not killing the spider – many people do so out of ignorance. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Sincerely</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">M van Wyk</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Here’s what I heard:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Dear Estelle,</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">This particular spider was genetically engineered in a lab run by Nazis. They are lethal and hell-bent on destroying all of mankind. These spiders are equipped with venomous sacs, laser rays, poisonous arrows, heat-seeking technology and have little chips planted in their brains to make them more aggressive. They will most certainly attack without provocation, relentlessly. They are simply waiting for you to be vulnerable. He will return with others. This particular spider was DEFINITELY shaking it’s evil little fist at you, NO MATTER WHAT DAVE SAYS.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I don’t want to alarm you, but this spider will crawl all over you when you sleep and not only feed on your flesh – he will also lay eggs in your skin and chew off your hair. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">You must kill this spider for the sake of humanity. Immediately, and without mercy...</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"><br />
God Speed</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">M van Wyk</span></i></div>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-82137646766698015332010-12-14T00:36:00.000-08:002010-12-14T00:36:40.380-08:00Really, I'm not a terrorist. It just looks that way.<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfMMzrwPOnBVXFdik2ytkDhIgiZzoEPA1RZ5GdlP9F4uQJmVcIj0Yy1LxHIbBhsUpy_sRj-P3ZZx0xVmAY5FCxHlufndT3X6U1nc9UKdw1QF3QCBPDjg6iVVdWlkRpJt_uo5UW4rr5HHfn/s1600/suspicion1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfMMzrwPOnBVXFdik2ytkDhIgiZzoEPA1RZ5GdlP9F4uQJmVcIj0Yy1LxHIbBhsUpy_sRj-P3ZZx0xVmAY5FCxHlufndT3X6U1nc9UKdw1QF3QCBPDjg6iVVdWlkRpJt_uo5UW4rr5HHfn/s400/suspicion1.jpg" width="297" /></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dear Metro Cops</span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I would like to write this letter in response to your ominous anti-terrorism posters. First of all, thank you for not arresting me during my visit to your lovely country – even though I loudly made comments about how easy it would be to steal things there, and how I would like to move there and set up my own African crime syndicate in the heart of London. (My crime boss name would have been Mama Essie. But that's beside the point.) I thank and praise you for realizing that I wasn’t *<b>that</b>* serious about it. (Besides, I don’t have the capital for that now. I spent all my money on an investment that I personally thought would be lucrative, but it wasn’t...Curse you, Magic Beans!!!)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I did think however, that I should offer an explanation as to my (apparently) suspicious behaviour. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Terrorists need storage</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At present, I am illegally storing vast amounts of crap in my old flat, even though I moved out ages ago and kept the key... The reason for this is that I live with a military man who doesn’t allow me to keep my precious belongings in the same room as...well. Him. This includes illegal DVDs, a plaster cast of a dragon’s head, Irish beer mugs, Nightmare before Christmas figurines, home-knitted teddy bears I buy at fairs because they are ugly and no one wants them and I feel sorry for them, a very crooked Christmas tree that both resembles and SHEDS needles like a nervous parrot with a skin disease, a GIANT jar of change and buttons that I MEANT to sew back on/take to the bank to exchange, various computer parts, a seamonkey aquarium, collection of bong-shaped vases, notebooks full of scribbling I had meant to turn into a novel, boxes of unsuccessful screenplays, comic books and exactly 24 imitation handbags that broke immediately after purchasing them from that toothless guy that sleeps on the bench next to my office.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">PS. I shouldn’t have mentioned the illegal occupation/DVDs. Scrap that comment and replace it with “Christmas gifts for the poor”. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">PPS. The vases shaped like bongs are Ok. They are not *<b>actually</b>* bongs. They are shaped like bongs. That’s not a crime. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Terrorists use multiple identities – do you know someone with documents with different names for no reason?</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Again, I have different identity documents. It’s because I got married and changed my name because it was all romantic but then it took 8 months to get my identity document back from Home Affairs. And then they printed another one with my maiden surname. And then I kept it, just in case things didn’t work out WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE PRETTY DAMN CONVENIENT. So you are punishing me for being smart, essentially. Which is why the country is going downhill. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Terrorists use chemicals – do you know anyone who is buying large quantities of chemicals?</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I use a large quantities of chemicals. SuperDave uses it to remove the stains from the coffee mugs and clean the carpets and various other things. I use them to nuke bugs. Really, I’m not building a bomb with them. Everyone knows the coolest bomb is the one where you put dry ice in a paint tin and slam the lid on really tight so it explodes, showering the world with your favourite shade. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">PS. That kid who did that to my dad’s garage was never caught. You might want to get on that.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Terrorists use protective equipment</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My dad has like 50 pairs of these goggles at home. They use them to spray-paint helicopters. (Not in the vandalism sense. That’s actually his job.) He just likes to steal them from work. I’m sure it’s perfectly innocent. Once I worked in a restaurant and stole like 50 pairs of snail forks. You do it because you are underpaid. And bored. Or because you like goggles. I’m sure you guys steal guns and shit all the time. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Terrorists need funding</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, up until I got to this point I was fully behind your campaign. “Terrorists need credit cards”. OMG. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Look, ordinary people need to use stuff sometimes</i>. Call me crazy, but I occasionally use my phone and my credit card and backpack for reasons that DO NOT INVOLVE blowing up the Queen of England. You are deliberately trying to make people paranoid about their friends and neighbours. I mean, I lived next to a guy for 4 years...people never liked him because he was very religious and kept to himself and left the light on late at night and collected newspapers and put up all these satellite dishes and received visitors at all hours of the night...Many people thought HE was a terrorist. Well, of course it turned out that it was perfectly innocent and that he was just a serial killer who cut up hookers.My point is, there is enough paranoia and hatred in the world for things that are different. I think you should let it go. No one is going to blow up London. And if they are going to, they aren’t going to be bloody OBVIOUS about it. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sincerely yours</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Essie </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-21612993234606275052010-12-13T07:05:00.000-08:002010-12-13T07:05:01.302-08:00Holy FootwearI was on Facebook when I noticed this little gem:<br />
<br />
<div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-N-z480QtU0B6gdj9Ru-0NsPpb68-bBa6_se62kC1WnP_h2h5_nCymwmPt-SA2n7kU2hZrlMAeNeRdWp8-ODSdcTviq0AS-DLSt9WnsfhVk8IRLJ6xhaSBvnUYHZ3tsk9118NJQ7dUQ21/s1600/Best+ad+ever.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="346" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-N-z480QtU0B6gdj9Ru-0NsPpb68-bBa6_se62kC1WnP_h2h5_nCymwmPt-SA2n7kU2hZrlMAeNeRdWp8-ODSdcTviq0AS-DLSt9WnsfhVk8IRLJ6xhaSBvnUYHZ3tsk9118NJQ7dUQ21/s400/Best+ad+ever.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>I just wish they'd come up with catchier slogans...<br />
<br />
"You'll feel like you are walking on <strike>air</strike> water."<br />
"Follow in the footsteps of the Messiah - without having to touch all those nasty lepers."<br />
"The Jesus Sandal Company - since 0 AC" <br />
"Jesus Sandals: if ever there was a shoe you'd want to wear to Judgment Day, these are IT"<br />
"Crossing vast amounts of desert? Multiplying bread and fish? Raising the dead? Then these are the shoes for you!"<br />
<br />
And if people don't think they are good, the salespeople can look at them all accusingly and go, "It was good enough for, like, Jesus, man...are you better than Jesus?" and you'd feel really bad. I wish I hadn't blown my Christmas bonus on a Moses robe now...Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-36935219826385380642010-12-06T06:26:00.000-08:002010-12-06T06:29:01.570-08:00Military people have no sense of humorI was watching the A-team movie with SuperDave and this soldier was in it and he had the COOLEST jacket-thing on with different pockets and zippy-compartments and Velcro straps. It was magical. It looked like this:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSYYOLLoCp4e4LpShrjjsCCmPq2v-omnduMyXiwCBXT2WmA1mVrBghBaY4xeGk4mCZHZa5vT47F69ozmnK-14DCvUNGSJ9fZlpbELZ6ZKLhW8ic2tVeH0fuy1wegfBV_v6sH-fNmdmtIuc/s1600/tenue_de_nouvelle_generation_felin_1-420x315.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSYYOLLoCp4e4LpShrjjsCCmPq2v-omnduMyXiwCBXT2WmA1mVrBghBaY4xeGk4mCZHZa5vT47F69ozmnK-14DCvUNGSJ9fZlpbELZ6ZKLhW8ic2tVeH0fuy1wegfBV_v6sH-fNmdmtIuc/s400/tenue_de_nouvelle_generation_felin_1-420x315.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
ME: "That's awesome. I've got to get that."<br />
<br />
SD: "That's a combat jacket."<br />
<br />
ME: "Just think. I won't have to lug around a purse anymore...I could put my wallet, my lipsticks, my mirror, my drivers, cards, everything in it..."<br />
<br />
SD: "Uh, we just used it to carry magazines."<br />
<br />
ME: "Oooh, yes, and you could carry magazines in it!" <br />
<br />
SD: (long pause) "Wait...did you just actually think I was referring to Cosmo or something?" <br />
<br />
ME: "No. I'm not an IDIOT, DAVE."<br />
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(For the record, I totally did.) <br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_6NIagzfAt4kqqgEqniOnFapHhPOyrO65RWf1q2P8cIwcXB-xuxuX2hXj3zHHNeEDjqfRGZn6SoVg-d96-u55whmaWyUJisiIoePA4CXWbzLSFIHeJQmooQCOuYeyBW5mK-sgPKiV0qac/s1600/75324_10150093614859680_577434679_7436370_914719_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_6NIagzfAt4kqqgEqniOnFapHhPOyrO65RWf1q2P8cIwcXB-xuxuX2hXj3zHHNeEDjqfRGZn6SoVg-d96-u55whmaWyUJisiIoePA4CXWbzLSFIHeJQmooQCOuYeyBW5mK-sgPKiV0qac/s640/75324_10150093614859680_577434679_7436370_914719_n.jpg" width="459" /></a></div>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085010252472799071.post-42948382661244532992010-12-01T02:02:00.000-08:002010-12-01T02:03:23.068-08:00I've been looking for that sweater!!!<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlDxv3UkiP6CdHeM0sdMNeLqT11aOGKmKm5W7IiHgB9FJ4Us4FIq1-FKPvVkn-Yuos4aPS-VFRr3SL83DfM-di6IP5jgWsbxpAcTW_3L0PSsiL4pXqQe9X5k_JqBnPBUQT7FoZdmnWQ3S_/s1600/mieke.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlDxv3UkiP6CdHeM0sdMNeLqT11aOGKmKm5W7IiHgB9FJ4Us4FIq1-FKPvVkn-Yuos4aPS-VFRr3SL83DfM-di6IP5jgWsbxpAcTW_3L0PSsiL4pXqQe9X5k_JqBnPBUQT7FoZdmnWQ3S_/s400/mieke.bmp" width="300" /></a></div>My former colleague Rene put this weird photo of her baby, Mieke, up on Facebook. Apparently Mieke has taken a liking to putting her toys in the trash. Either because Rene is buying her crappy toys or because she's a minimalist. Either way it's called a power struggle. And you are losing, Rene. <br />
<br />
Anyway let's play analyse the photo. Is she:<br />
<br />
1) casting a circle of magic protection over the trashcan so that the evil elves that have been emerging would stop stealing her socks and stuffed animals?<br />
<br />
2) sanctifying the trashcan against possible future demon possession?<br />
<br />
3) trying to make the trash can come closer using the power of her mind?<br />
<br />
4) being a 2 year old<br />
<br />
5) merely trying to communicate "No photos, please" to her clueless parents? <br />
<br />
I hope I have weird kids someday. Oh, and I also found this on Facebook:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBxtHN6GQzCnp1V5gzCN0m_Vmigx0oCzS56ITw3NclOzogefPamrV3JSWjZiK3LWrTutDWqsSC9amit_0kop8G5AtSAaxhDin0V2XizqtGjpjsqZrPJN3xcVuZURahAXyOtXHwM7Z3jPVu/s1600/n742949714_1027304_1786.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBxtHN6GQzCnp1V5gzCN0m_Vmigx0oCzS56ITw3NclOzogefPamrV3JSWjZiK3LWrTutDWqsSC9amit_0kop8G5AtSAaxhDin0V2XizqtGjpjsqZrPJN3xcVuZURahAXyOtXHwM7Z3jPVu/s320/n742949714_1027304_1786.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjekS9jQtdh7E2QxxdusR3xMNLyTewye-Sx-6iAiX6Uu0-kQHLe5LcOC3bNNDdItGvG6IeAn1jDL4HkMUSRxjdGsCGUNhULGAX4twDEAwJaQIPMDjTUNUUhEKuPieNkvIZn4y4Kq5QVERaV/s1600/untitled.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjekS9jQtdh7E2QxxdusR3xMNLyTewye-Sx-6iAiX6Uu0-kQHLe5LcOC3bNNDdItGvG6IeAn1jDL4HkMUSRxjdGsCGUNhULGAX4twDEAwJaQIPMDjTUNUUhEKuPieNkvIZn4y4Kq5QVERaV/s320/untitled.bmp" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'd analyse it, but that's really a very good shrink's job. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div>Essiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14027692359359035362noreply@blogger.com2