I'm a baby-making factory

My mother and I were debating DW and she said she thinks we would have had pretty babies. I argued with her so we ended up on www.makemeababy.com to see what our future kids would look like.

RESULT ONE: Me & DW having a baby

This baby looks like a little tyrant I used to babysit. So I tried to have an Asian baby with DW. I'm not sure how that happens but the site gave us the option and besides I figured if Im going to reproduce I should at least try to give my child some DNA that can do Math.

RESULT TWO: Having an Asian Baby with DW

It came out kinda looking like a squid. And Kim Jong-il. In fact this baby is what would happen if Kim Jong-il and that giant squid off the coast of California had a celebrity baby.

Then I decided to have an illegitimate love child with my friend Mattie, who has not been persuaded to marry me yet.

RESULT THREE: Having a love child with Mattie to trap him into marrying me. (We ended up having the Gerber baby. Yes Mattie. I slept with Gerber. It's your own fault for neglecting me and living in a shitty place like Texas. I have needs.)

After all the freakishness I decided: Fuck It. And had a baby with Marilyn Manson instead. Surprisingly enough he turned out FINE which just disproves everything we know about parenting. Suck it, Dr Phil.

RESULT FOUR: Having a baby with Marilyn Manson

I don't have a baby because DW will dress it funny and also I'm pretty sure I'll kill it and have ruined my hooha for nothing

I’ve been getting a lot of flack from my aunt Elma because I’m 27 and don’t have a baby and apparently my uterus is shrivelling up as we speak. So I’d like to clarify why I don’t have a baby yet.

1. No sex
Although I’m could not entirely be sure from all the conversations with my mom about storks and baby gardens and magical wishes granted by Jesus, I’m pretty sure that sex is essential to pregnancy. So unless a star appears in the East, it’s not going to happen.

2. I like my vagina the way it is
At least I’m PRETTY sure that I do. I’ve never really looked at it. But I haven’t had any complaints so I don’t really relish the thought of having it stretched to the size of a football. Besides all that shit I read online about washboard vajayjays and getting stapled back together after childbirth put me off. Really, you should blame Google.

3. My addictions
The antidepressants, alcohol, cigarettes and even cat litter that I use all say that they should not be used during pregnancy. (To clarify –I don’t use cat litter personally. The cat does. He doesn’t like to go outside to tinkle when it’s rainy. His feet get wet. Of course he didn’t care about wet feet when he climbed onto my paint palette and then trodded expensive oil colors all over the antique German tablecloth my mother-in-law loaned me. Also, I’m kind of my cat’s bitch, and I’m pretty sure that should deny me having parenting privileges.)

4. Poop
I don’t want to voluntary deal with other people’s poop. And everyone says “Oh that’s just until they’re potty-trained. It’s not a big deal.” YES IT FUCKING IS. They poop in a plastic pot. It doesn’t magically flush away. It’s RIGHT there. Glamorize it all you want, you will still spend a good deal of your day transporting and disposing of poop.

5. Boredom
When you get a child you also have to put all these security lockdowns and screening software on your PC so they don’t get kidnapped by predators. And I just don’t have the technical knowhow to disable something like that. GOODBYE ASIAN SQUID PORN.

6. Infanticide
I am about 99.5% certain that any baby of mine will die a horrible death as soon as it starts to crawl. (Real life conversation: “DW, what’s this in the fridge?” “It’s liquid nitrogen. I got it from the guy next door. You freeze bull semen with it.” “K.” Enough said.)

7. Judgement

My mother-in-law is the neatest person I know. When DW’s cousin had her baby she would bring it over and my mother-in-law would REWASH it because she felt the baby wasn’t clean enough. And then we’d all say mean things about the cousin and what a shitty mother she is behind her back. It’s petty, but I like to part of the group. My mother-in-law is very clever. She also likes to pack out her jewelry box and show me all the rings inside and then she says, “All of this will be yours once I’m dead”. Which is part of the reason I’m not divorced yet. And also why I encouraged her to take up smoking.

Also DW will borrow the baby from me and then pictures like these will pop up on the Internet. And my child will get emotional issues and gun down a bunch of people with the turret gun I had put up on the roof for the impending zombie apocalypse. And I’ll have the press going through my trash to see what kind of mother raises a serial killer and they’ll find all my half-used bottles of peach flavoured lube and about forty pounds of cat hair.

Like Russian nesting dolls but with babies

Ever stand in front of your baby and think to yourself, "I don't know what, but this chicken costume needs...something?" Well, this inventive mom figured out what the rest of you couldn't. What could be funnier than having a baby alien burst from your baby's chest??? Like Russian nesting dolls, but with babies. And think, it is an education exercise. You could use the opportunity to explain to your children how he/she burst from your womb in an equally disgusting and painful manner! Oh the joys of Halloween!

Step away from my chest its about to burst open

Well, I’ve been impregnated by aliens. I can only assume that because:
1) I’ve been vomiting in the mornings and seem to be gaining weight (this has NOTHING to do with those 9 rum 'n cokes I had last weekend)
2) I haven’t been visited by an angel or had sex
3) There is a suspicious spot on my lawn that can only be described as “crop circle-esque”
4) The hot water in my shower doesn’t work and I haven’t been able to bathe probably in 3 days which has nothing to do with pregnancy but I've been trying to figure out a way to bitch about it

I spoke to my friend Thinus who is somewhat of an expert on these things and he does think I may have a case because of the crop circle whatzemedoozit on the lawn, but that the other 3 points are entirely coincidental. He did, being somewhat scientific minded (and also a dick) point out that points 1 and 4 are probably the reason why point 2 hasn’t happened and exactly how long HAS it been since I’ve last gotten laid but then I hung up and googled around until I found a picture of what my alien baby would probably look like.