Spiders are evil and want to eat your brain

I went to take a shower yesterday and found SHELOB THE SPIDER from Lord of the Rings in my bathroom. Horrified, I sent a photo to Butterfly World near my house, asking the entomologist on staff for identification and advice.

Here’s what she wrote back:

Dear Estelle
Though not absolutely clear from the photo it would appear that you have a rain spider (Sparassidae) or giant crab spider in your home. Rain spiders are identified by their legs, which are twisted in a crab-like fashion. They also have 8 eyes and are typically brown or dark grey. You are right that the spider heard you when you yelled, as their hearing is quite good...although I cannot account for the spider’s behaviour if he did, as you put it, “wave it’s little arms at you menacingly, as if shaking a fist”. The females occasionally make threatening movements to protect their egg sacs, it is quite possible that this is what happened.
These spiders CAN bite humans, although this very rarely happens and the bite is completely harmless. These are very beneficial spiders to have in your home as they feed on insects – mainly cockroaches.

I’d like to thank you for not killing the spider – many people do so out of ignorance.

Sincerely

M van Wyk

Here’s what I heard:

Dear Estelle,

This particular spider was genetically engineered in a lab run by Nazis. They are lethal and hell-bent on destroying all of mankind. These spiders are equipped with venomous sacs, laser rays, poisonous arrows, heat-seeking technology and have little chips planted in their brains to make them more aggressive. They will most certainly attack without provocation, relentlessly. They are simply waiting for you to be vulnerable. He will return with others. This particular spider was DEFINITELY shaking it’s evil little fist at you, NO MATTER WHAT DAVE SAYS.

I don’t want to alarm you, but this spider will crawl all over you when you sleep and not only feed on your flesh – he will also lay eggs in your skin and chew off your hair.

You must kill this spider for the sake of humanity. Immediately, and without mercy...

God Speed

M van Wyk

Really, I'm not a terrorist. It just looks that way.

Dear Metro Cops

I would like to write this letter in response to your ominous anti-terrorism posters. First of all, thank you for not arresting me during my visit to your lovely country – even though I loudly made comments about how easy it would be to steal things there, and how I would like to move there and set up my own African crime syndicate in the heart of London. (My crime boss name would have been Mama Essie. But that's beside the point.) I thank and praise you for realizing that I wasn’t *that* serious about it. (Besides, I don’t have the capital for that now. I spent all my money on an investment that I personally thought would be lucrative, but it wasn’t...Curse you, Magic Beans!!!)

I did think however, that I should offer an explanation as to my (apparently) suspicious behaviour.

Terrorists need storage

At present, I am illegally storing vast amounts of crap in my old flat, even though I moved out ages ago and kept the key... The reason for this is that I live with a military man who doesn’t allow me to keep my precious belongings in the same room as...well. Him. This includes illegal DVDs, a plaster cast of a dragon’s head, Irish beer mugs, Nightmare before Christmas figurines, home-knitted teddy bears I buy at fairs because they are ugly and no one wants them and I feel sorry for them, a very crooked Christmas tree that both resembles and SHEDS needles like a nervous parrot with a skin disease, a GIANT jar of change and buttons that I MEANT to sew back on/take to the bank to exchange, various computer parts, a seamonkey aquarium, collection of bong-shaped vases, notebooks full of scribbling I had meant to turn into a novel, boxes of unsuccessful screenplays, comic books and exactly 24 imitation handbags that broke immediately after purchasing them from that toothless guy that sleeps on the bench next to my office.

PS. I shouldn’t have mentioned the illegal occupation/DVDs. Scrap that comment and replace it with “Christmas gifts for the poor”.

PPS. The vases shaped like bongs are Ok. They are not *actually* bongs. They are shaped like bongs. That’s not a crime.

Terrorists use multiple identities – do you know someone with documents with different names for no reason?

Again, I have different identity documents. It’s because I got married and changed my name because it was all romantic but then it took 8 months to get my identity document back from Home Affairs. And then they printed another one with my maiden surname. And then I kept it, just in case things didn’t work out WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE PRETTY DAMN CONVENIENT. So you are punishing me for being smart, essentially. Which is why the country is going downhill.

Terrorists use chemicals – do you know anyone who is buying large quantities of chemicals?

I use a large quantities of chemicals. SuperDave uses it to remove the stains from the coffee mugs and clean the carpets and various other things. I use them to nuke bugs. Really, I’m not building a bomb with them. Everyone knows the coolest bomb is the one where you put dry ice in a paint tin and slam the lid on really tight so it explodes, showering the world with your favourite shade.

PS. That kid who did that to my dad’s garage was never caught. You might want to get on that.

Terrorists use protective equipment

My dad has like 50 pairs of these goggles at home. They use them to spray-paint helicopters. (Not in the vandalism sense. That’s actually his job.) He just likes to steal them from work. I’m sure it’s perfectly innocent. Once I worked in a restaurant and stole like 50 pairs of snail forks. You do it because you are underpaid. And bored. Or because you like goggles. I’m sure you guys steal guns and shit all the time.

Terrorists need funding

Now, up until I got to this point I was fully behind your campaign. “Terrorists need credit cards”. OMG.

Look, ordinary people need to use stuff sometimes. Call me crazy, but I occasionally use my phone and my credit card and backpack for reasons that DO NOT INVOLVE blowing up the Queen of England. You are deliberately trying to make people paranoid about their friends and neighbours. I mean, I lived next to a guy for 4 years...people never liked him because he was very religious and kept to himself and left the light on late at night and collected newspapers and put up all these satellite dishes and received visitors at all hours of the night...Many people thought HE was a terrorist. Well, of course it turned out that it was perfectly innocent and that he was just a serial killer who cut up hookers.My point is, there is enough paranoia and hatred in the world for things that are different. I think you should let it go. No one is going to blow up London. And if they are going to, they aren’t going to be bloody OBVIOUS about it.

Sincerely yours

Essie

Holy Footwear

I was on Facebook when I noticed this little gem:

I just wish they'd come up with catchier slogans...

"You'll feel like you are walking on air water."
"Follow in the footsteps of the Messiah - without having to touch all those nasty lepers."
"The Jesus Sandal Company - since 0 AC"
"Jesus Sandals: if ever there was a shoe you'd want to wear to Judgment Day, these are IT"
"Crossing vast amounts of desert? Multiplying bread and fish? Raising the dead? Then these are the shoes for you!"

And if people don't think they are good, the salespeople can look at them all accusingly and go, "It was good enough for, like, Jesus, man...are you better than Jesus?" and you'd feel really bad. I wish I hadn't blown my Christmas bonus on a Moses robe now...

Military people have no sense of humor

I was watching the A-team movie with SuperDave and this soldier was in it and he had the COOLEST jacket-thing on with different pockets and zippy-compartments and Velcro straps. It was magical. It looked like this:

ME: "That's awesome. I've got to get that."

SD: "That's a combat jacket."

ME: "Just think. I won't have to lug around a purse anymore...I could put my wallet, my lipsticks, my mirror, my drivers, cards, everything in it..."

SD: "Uh, we just used it to carry magazines."

ME: "Oooh, yes, and you could carry magazines in it!"

SD: (long pause) "Wait...did you just actually think I was referring to Cosmo or something?"

ME: "No. I'm not an IDIOT, DAVE."

(For the record, I totally did.)

I've been looking for that sweater!!!

My former colleague Rene put this weird photo of her baby, Mieke, up on Facebook. Apparently Mieke has taken a liking to putting her toys in the trash. Either because Rene is buying her crappy toys or because she's a minimalist. Either way it's called a power struggle. And you are losing, Rene.

Anyway let's play analyse the photo. Is she:

1) casting a circle of magic protection over the trashcan so that the evil elves that have been emerging would stop stealing her socks and stuffed animals?

2) sanctifying the trashcan against possible future demon possession?

3) trying to make the trash can come closer using the power of her mind?

4) being a 2 year old

5) merely trying to communicate "No photos, please" to her clueless parents?

I hope I have weird kids someday. Oh, and I also found this on Facebook:

I'd analyse it, but that's really a very good shrink's job.