Spiders are evil and want to eat your brain

I went to take a shower yesterday and found SHELOB THE SPIDER from Lord of the Rings in my bathroom. Horrified, I sent a photo to Butterfly World near my house, asking the entomologist on staff for identification and advice.

Here’s what she wrote back:

Dear Estelle
Though not absolutely clear from the photo it would appear that you have a rain spider (Sparassidae) or giant crab spider in your home. Rain spiders are identified by their legs, which are twisted in a crab-like fashion. They also have 8 eyes and are typically brown or dark grey. You are right that the spider heard you when you yelled, as their hearing is quite good...although I cannot account for the spider’s behaviour if he did, as you put it, “wave it’s little arms at you menacingly, as if shaking a fist”. The females occasionally make threatening movements to protect their egg sacs, it is quite possible that this is what happened.
These spiders CAN bite humans, although this very rarely happens and the bite is completely harmless. These are very beneficial spiders to have in your home as they feed on insects – mainly cockroaches.

I’d like to thank you for not killing the spider – many people do so out of ignorance.

Sincerely

M van Wyk

Here’s what I heard:

Dear Estelle,

This particular spider was genetically engineered in a lab run by Nazis. They are lethal and hell-bent on destroying all of mankind. These spiders are equipped with venomous sacs, laser rays, poisonous arrows, heat-seeking technology and have little chips planted in their brains to make them more aggressive. They will most certainly attack without provocation, relentlessly. They are simply waiting for you to be vulnerable. He will return with others. This particular spider was DEFINITELY shaking it’s evil little fist at you, NO MATTER WHAT DAVE SAYS.

I don’t want to alarm you, but this spider will crawl all over you when you sleep and not only feed on your flesh – he will also lay eggs in your skin and chew off your hair.

You must kill this spider for the sake of humanity. Immediately, and without mercy...

God Speed

M van Wyk