I haven't blogged in a while because I don't really have Internet at home. Or anything interesting to say. Also, I forgot my password. And then how Blogger works. In related news, I still drink a lot.
In the meantime, my colleague Carroll (who is actually a man. GO FIGURE.) started Bullshit Friday, where we randomly email each other bullshit until the other person is Bullshitted out. It takes a really long time. We are both filled to the brim with Bullshit.
For example:
ME:
"Dear Staff members, please find your free ticket attached for the upcoming Propak Exhibition. Print and distribute to your clients."
CARROLL:
"There is a pile of them at reception so you don't have to go print that one out...You know, for someone who loves stray animals so much, you show an alarming disregard for rainforests! What you have got against rain forests, Estelle?"
ME:
FACT: There are over 40 cancer-causing bacteria in the rainforest.
FACT: There are 500 species of animals that can kill you in the rainforest.
FACT: We need to stop the rainforest, before it kills us all.
CARROLL (who just returned from Bangkok):
PS… NOTHING is free. Parking at the CTICC costs the same as a liver transplant in Bangkok.
ME:
Did you have one while you were in Bangkok? Everyone could use a spare.
CARROLL:
No but I was offered an opportunity to perform a rhinoplasty on a she-male but declined because I had already had like 8 beers…
Missed opportinities...
ME:
And now you will always lie awake and wonder, “I wish I gave that transvestite hooker a nosejob when I had the chance…”
Last year, David and I had the opportunity to purchase two perfectly good donkeys for R500 from a dude in Wellington. I pointed out that with the petrol price and garden service fees being what they are, those donkeys would have paid for themselves by now…but he was all like“we don’t need donkeys”…and then I said, “well, I ended up not buying that set of taxidermied meerkats I wanted last week, so that saved us R600, so this is like making a profit… he was all like “that’s not how saving money works” and then we didn’t speak for a while.
This is why I never get ahead financially.
CARROLL:
That's ridiculous. I can think of at LEAST 7 good uses for a pair of taxidermied meerkats!
I mainly wanted to use it to scare off snakes and freak out my cats. What are the other five reasons?
CARROLL:
1. Re-enact the sex scene from "Team America"
2. Receive a disability grant from the government because you introduce them to people as ''your parents'''
3. Pair them off on either side of the bed with your taxidermied warthogs (cause they just look silly by themselves)
4. Hollow them out and convert into salt and pepper shakers
5. Mount one on either side of your car in the ''lookout'' position.
ME:
You forgot "meerkat lighters". Because nothing says "pleasure" like lighting up your pipe with a dead rodent. (See attached ad)
ME:
One of us should probably get back to work. It's not gonna be me, though.
