This post is long but I am unemployed and have nothing else to write about except daytime TV and crippling depression. Trust me, this is better

Recently I've been watching this show called Army wives. It's a bunch of bull. The dialogue is completely unrealistic. It's just normal people that wear camo gear and talk about their feelings. In real life, it's very different. For example: Whatever minute crummy thing happens to me, has already happened to SuperDave twice...but with Nazis shooting at him. Not to mention living with his overwhelming COMPETENCE at 8 am when I am still sitting on the foot of my bed surveying the room with bleary eyes trying to gather up enough willpower to drag the slippers closer with my big toe and he’s already jogged 20 km and saved his second busload of orphans teetering over the edge of a cliff. Or something similar - I wouldn't know, I never get up before 10 am.

Anyhoo, this is how I would re-write the dialogue to make it more realistic:

ARMY WIFE: “So what was the army like?”
ARMY GUY: “That’s classified.”

ARMY WIFE: “I’m having a problem with my friend. She’s being mean.”
ARMY GUY: “Someone in my unit was mean to me once. I shot him.”

ARMY WIFE: “Got you a Colonel Burger.”
ARMY GUY: “That burger is at the very best a sergeant-major.”

ARMY WIFE: “You don’t know what it’s like being stabbed in the back...”
ARMY GUY: “Yes I do. With a bayonet. See, I have the scar RIGHT here. But no, your friend telling everyone at the party that you were the one who threw up over the rosebushes...that’s awful.”

ARMY WIFE: “Have you ever travelled abroad?”
ARMY GUY: “The official statement I am required to give is...no."

ARMY WIFE: “I cut my finger!”
ARMY GUY: “I once had 10 pieces of shrapnel in my legs while I was carrying two legless men through a minefield...then I floated above my own body towards the blinding white light. You have a papercut. Stop whining.”

ARMY WIFE: “Oh, no, thank you, I don’t eat pork.”
ARMY GUY: “I once had to eat my own foot to survive. But you’re right. Pork sucks.”

ARMY WIFE: “My trip sucked. It rained all weekend.”
ARMY GUY: “Yes, I went to that country once. Killer ninjas fired at me, and put bamboo shoots up my fingernails. But no, I’m sorry the hotel overcooked your eggs in the morning. That’s MUCH worse.”

ARMY GUY: “What are you doing?
ARMY WIFE: “Blogging.”
ARMY GUY: “Stop putting classified information on the Internet!”
ARMY WIFE: “Well, all the GOOD stuff is classified.”

(Ok, that last one was a direct quote from SuperDave.) Kudos, Army friends.