Once again computers make me feel bad about myself

StumbledUpon gave me a serious complex.

First off, I was asked to sign in with a “user name”. Every single alias I’ve ever used, including LochBlommie1983% had already been taken, so now my paranoia/fear of identity theft flared up again and I had to call my shrink and she was mean to me because I’m not supposed to live vicariously through the Internet anymore and then I was whining, “But all my FRIENDS are there” and she was all like, “They’re not real” and then I was like, “but they leave me comments” and she said “that doesn’t count for anything” and I was like, “You like when people leave YOU comments” and she said “Well I don’t HATE comments” and I said, “Are you going to bill me for this” and she went quiet the way she does when she’s stealing my money from me but knows I won’t confront her on it so I hung up.

Anyway, I logged on and then I ticked all the boxes stating what I prefer to read about (Humor, Politics, Hello Kitty sex toys, Irony, Cartoons, When children kill, Japanese subculture, Paranormal activity, etc) and then I got this thinger:

Which made me feel totally shit about myself. And I don’t see how typing “Feeblitze” into a box proves that I am human. If we got invaded by – say, the Vee’s (oh, its coming!) – and they were all parading around with human DNA around their reptilian underskins and wanting to have sex with you so you’d lay their creepy eggs you wouldn’t say, “Oh, wait, just type these mildly scrambled words into a box so I can know that you are human” would you? Mmmm? And feeblitze isn’t even a HUMAN word.

Maybe the StumbleUpon webmasters are ALL aliens. We don’t know.

Even more disturbing is that I ticked all my preferences and they analysed all the results to see what I'd be into and all that came up was this fact sheet about North Korea.

Which turned out to be AWESOME.

Did you know Kim Jong-il injects himself with the blood of virgins to stay young? If was a Kim Jong-il virgin I'd totally slag around and get hepatitis and stuff. So he'd get wrinkles. And hepatitis.

I'm awesome.

Pornfomercials...

I saw my first pornfomerical last night. It’s like an infomercial that tries to be really convincing. The product is called “the blowguard” and it takes “the job out of blowjobs”. To advertise the blowguard the infomercial featured a mini-orgy with two girls and a guy trying out the blowguard (yes – X-rated) and then a guy in a lab coat discussed the use “scientifically” and then the now-dressed people from the orgy discussed what they thought of it. (FYI, they enjoyed it.)

Although I enjoyed the pornfomercial more than I did say...the demo of the Ginsu knife set and various non-stick pans that they usually show (no one has ever been squirted in the face with semen in a non-stick pan commercial to my knowledge. Unless they wanted to demonstrate that semen doesn’t stick to the pan. Does it? Why would you cook semen to begin with? Infomercials are weird), I was not convinced by the product. Basically it’s a retainer with a little vibrator attached to it. I was involuntarily and unfortunately reminded of my orthodontist throughout the whole thing. And since he was 65 years old, overweight and smelled like antiseptic it’s not an image I want in my head during intimate moments. And also I’ll feel guilty for using the now-straightened and expanded mouth my father spent 3000 dollars on for oral sex.