A brief history of South Africa Part I

I got a review that suggested I need to discuss myself and my home country a bit more in this blog because it’s “interesting” but really, that’s just ignorant. Living in South Africa is just like living in America but with more bugs and less white people.

So I thought I’ll give you guys a nice historical overview.

I live on a wine farm in a small town called Wellington. It’s quite a big farm and the wines are quite popular so if you recently got a nice Chenin Blanc from South Africa, chances are it’s from the same vineyard my cat pees in every single day.

South Africa is located to the South of about 5 countries that have gone to shit in the last 10 years, so we are super psyched about that.

Our president is Jacob Zuma. He’s got 5 wives, a fiance, and 21 children. Our taxes are really, really high.

Here’s the three first wives rocking some hats. As you can see, he’s clearly going to score with at least 2 of them.

Anyway, South Africa was discovered by Vasco de Gama. When the locals were very surprised but they had a big orange flag and awesome pantaloons so they let them hang around. A couple of other Portuguese guys sailed past the place and then in 1652 the teenaged Jan van Riebeeck arrived and opened a refreshment station. In Afrikaans apartheid schools we learnt that Jan van Riebeeck was a national hero but when you think about it he really was like, the manager of the Cape Colony Wendy’s.

He kinda looks like one of the Jonas brothers.

For a long time we had his face on all our money but then the historians said the guy in this picture isn't even really Jan van Riebeeck but we already printed the money, so we just ignored that little fact.

Now our money has a sheep on it. Probably better that way.