A pictoral exploration of Essie in England

I don't feel like blogging about England. I wrote a haiku though:

England
Wet, cloudy
Damp every day.
Ooh, Guiness!
Happy.

I'll leave a big blank space so you all can reflect on the beauty of my poetry.

I stayed in a quaint English Tudor cottage. This isn't it. But it was decidedly quainter than the one I stayed in. I'm all about The Quaint. Yes. That's a real thing.

Here I am at the Queen's Locomotive. It's in a mall in Windsor, so I assume it doesn't go anywhere. I'm not sure why it's cool but my boss made me stand there for a picture and I was rocking awesome oversized earrings, so I obeyed.

Here's me next to the flag at Windsor Castle. The flag indicates that the Queen is home, which is really considerate if you are an assassin or terrorist. I wanted to climb up there for the photo op but then a bobby threatened me and I pretended not to speak English for 20 mins.

Guiness. Happy. Refer to my Haiku for further details. Guiness is actually really weak compared to African beer so I won a weekend worth of free cab rides from these Spanish cabbies in a drinking contest. I'm awesome.

I was trying to be sexy with this guy but in hindsight it looks like I'm kneeing him in the balls. I'm doomed to die alone.

Here I am on the Tube, which is not really a Tube but a dank hole full of Stephen Fry advertisements and unfriendly British people pretending to listen to their Ipods when you ask them for help. This is my "Tube face". A look that just says...Fuck off.

My hotel room. I went to Robben Island once, and I swear Nelson Mandela's cell was bigger than this. But he didn't have TV. But neither did anyone else because we only got TV in the late 70s in South Africa. Sony took away our TV privileges because we put Nelson Mandela in prison. Really, it's a vicious circle.

In Hyde Park, looking bloaty and annoyed because the guy couldn't figure out how to work my camera and I was shouting at him and then I hiked through the park behind them and they pretending not to notice me for 2 hours.

Statue of Winnie the Pooh having dirty sex. Or something. I don't know. I couldn't make out the inscription.

Ode to the Godfather. Somewhere in Kensington. I don't know, I was lost.