Conventional Wisdom vs the Loch Ess Monster

I spent my whole weekend cleaning my house and now it's dirty again. Well I've learned my lesson. I'm never doing that again. It's pointless. Then I got this email with good housekeeping tips, but they seemed a little off, so I've modified them. Happy cleaning, y'all.

LOCH ESS GUIDE TO GOOD HOUSEKEEPING

To remove smells from your fridge, put an open saucer of vinegar inside.

MY ADVICE: If your fridge is smelly, the temperature is set too low to adequately cool the corpse you are hiding inside. It’s time to break out the shovel.

If you have accidentally put too much salt in a dish as it's cooking, simply add a peeled potato. The potato will absorb the excess salt.

MY ADVICE: If you have accidentally put too much salt in a dish, it's a real pity. You'll eat what I give you.

For headaches: Cut one lemon in half and rub it gently over your forehead. The pain will disappear.

MY ADVICE: Take one lemon, cut it in half, mix it with tequila, and drink. What? You have a headache. Sorry to hear that. Have some tequila.

Put a mini-marshmellow in the bottom of your ice cream cone to prevent it from leaking.

MY ADVICE: Sneeze over your ice cream immediatly to prevent people from asking for bites.

If a cake recipe says you should sprinkle the bottom of the pan with flour, use the dry cake mix instead. That way there won't be dry flour stuck to the bottom of your cake when you turn it out.

MY ADVICE: Go to a bakery. They decorate it for you, too.

To open a stubborn jar, place rubber bands around the lid for extra "grip". Alternatively, try wearing a rubber glove.

MY ADVICE: Ask the sexy new neighbor. I'm sure he can open it.

Pour leftover alcohol into ice cube trays and freeze it. That way you can re-use it in sauces and dishes.

MY ADVICE: Leftover...what?!