Monday, April 11, 2011

The New Cat is highly defective

The cat is extremely messed up.

Not only is it asthmatic and wheezes in a very judgmental and pathetic way when SuperDave lights up a smoke, he also pretends like he is starving every second of the day and eats bread, veggies, things that fall off the table, things that stick to the cutting board, things that I leave lying around, flies and the cardboard fluff that comes off the scratch post.

And if no one gets up at 4.15 exactly (which is when he opens his little demon eyes), he claws and cries until EVERYONE gets up. Naturally, everyone has told us “just ignore him” until he stops. That doesn’t WORK with this cat, people. When ignored, this cat simply flings himself from the second-storey balcony onto the golf course below like a high-rise victim trying to escape a factory fire. Then SuperDave has to run downstairs in the wee morning hours and spend at least half an hour trying to extract him from underneath various cars, cursing and inevitably waking the neighbors.

The reason the cat goes into hiding within seconds of his dramatic escape is because he is, not surprisingly, severely xeno- and agoraphobic. Once he gets outside he cowers fearfully in corners, making it seem like we have so relentlessly abused him that he fears all human contact. I can feel the neighbor’s judgmental eyes following us as we drag him back to the flat, nails digging into the asphalt, eyes rolling dramatically. (Of course, the minute we get him home he plunks down on my cushion and licks his balls like nothing happened. Ass.)

I think its karma for when I was little and used to scream, No, Mommy, no! and shield my face in a very cringing way when my mother wouldn’t buy me candy.