Tuesday, August 31, 2010

First Date Tips that really work or will get you arrested

I'm a member of 20sb.net, which is like having friends, and the adorable dhpotter had this cool question about how you should go about impressing your first dates. Which inspired me to share my advice with all of you. If you don't know how to get a first date, refer to my post 10 types of men you haven't dated yet.

1. Don't tell him about your baby daddy who just got out of prison.

He'll meet him soon enough, anyway.

2. Don't show off how you crush beer cans with your boobs until the third date

It makes you seem slutty if you rush into this.

3. For some reason, men don't respond well to the display of stuffed dead pets I've set up in the living room.

You'd think it'll make a good talking point, but its not.

4. Bring your mom.

It'll save you the cost of phoning her after the date, and he'll be impressed by your thriftiness.

5. I dont care what they say. Restaurants expect you to take the silverware home. Its factored into the cost.

Ok, that's not a dating tip. It's just a general one.

6. Be yourself...

..unless you suck. Then you should be Cameron Diaz. She's awesome. But I'm not allowed to write to her anymore. :(

7. Twitter about the date incessantly throughout the evening.

He'll think you're incredibly tech savvy. Also, everyone enjoys feedback.

8. Bring your wedding planner journal along to the date

That way you can get his input straight away, and know that you've already thought of everything. One less thing for him to worry about.

9. Follow him to his house to "make sure he's OK"

Guys LOVE this stuff. But don't be stalkery about it. I usually send a funny text like, "See, I DO know where you live LOL" or "Your furniture looks great from the back yard." Wave in a friendly way when he peeks through the curtains but DON'T LEAVE right away. That way you can watch over him while he sleeps. It's really romantic.

10. Share your broken heart stories

That way, you get to suss out what his ex-girlfriend was like. And you can track her down. And send him a box of her hair to prove that you don't let anyone walk over "your man". Oh...that reminds me, keep referring to him as "your man" throughout the evening. Guys eat that stuff up.

Seriously, this is totally how I landed my baby-daddy.


I feel like a husband whose wife walked in on him watching porn. Sweeny caught me browsing the "puppy" classifieds. Red-handed.

God. That's an evil glance if ever I saw it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Pet peeved

Ok, so while I was browsing the pet classifieds I realized something: your pet says something about you. Maybe too much. I of course, have owned numerous garden variety pets named after serial killers, but now I'm looking for something different.

Please vote.


Pros: Great guard dog.
Cons: Spawn of the Dark Lord.


PROS: Conveniently pre-packaged
CONS: I have no shelf space in my house.


PROS: Well, goddamnit, who doesn't love chicken?
CONS: For one thing, it's somewhat overpriced. R100 for a whole chicken is a bit steep. The supermarket has them at 30 bucks a pop. Of course, this does not include the head or the life force which animates it. But ultimately I don't feel comfortable owning a pristine white animal. I'd just get it dirty.


PROS: Looks like the aliens from that TV series "V".
CONS: a) gives me the creeps, b) I'm sure this gecko thing has got emotional damage. For one thing the owner claims "it's eating like a champ" but then in the very NEXT sentence he says it's on Diet food. This pattern of encouragement and breaking his self-esteem makes for one very fucked up gecko, that may turn on me at any time, c) the evil spider that lives behind my fridge killed the last three wild geckoes that came into my house and strung up their little bodies from my chandelier. And now I'm scared of my house.


I have no pros or cons for this one because I'm in trouble for asking the owner if the children were part of a set or could they be sold separately. Plus my revulsion re: anything with scales with prohibit me from touching, feeding or loving this animal in any way, shape or form. Although I would like to see what a frozen mouse looks like.


PROS: At under 150 USD this is real a bargain, and I've never said no to a bargain.
CONS: It's Australian.


Ok, I wanted a pig right off the bat. I won't lie to you. They like dirt, they like sleeping, and they eat your trash for you. But THIS particular pig has been tainted. The owner is clearly a gym freak who has brainwashed these animals. "Loves fruit and vegetables". "Roam around". And the pig in the picture is clearly doing some form of yoga. I don't need a pig to make me feel bad about myself. I want a pig that makes me feel superior.


PROS: Bulk sale. Very economical.
CONS: Will have to take care of owl infestation on roof first.


PROS: It's wearing a FUCKING SUIT!!!! Awesome.
CONS: Will step on it. Don't want little chihuahua STDs. Don't want a pet named "Hilton". Not for sale, apparently. No go.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

For sale: Evil Puppies. Incarnate Demon included.

I was looking around on Gumtree for a puppy and found this ad, straight from "How to not sell your dog". I'd buy it, because I'm into weird occult collectibles (I feel it ups my "street cred") but I'm scared it'll mate with my cat and give birth to the Antichrist and I just don't want that on my conscience.

Give me a treat, or I'll eat your soul.

I wonder if the owner's house is located on a sacred Indian burial ground.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I replaced my husband with a smiley face. I should have done it years agoooo.

DW is being a huge idiot about the blog...something about public humiliation and using his details without his consent. He said he's going to sue me because it's an invasion of privacy and might wreck his music career in the future but I think it's because during a heated argument I told him that I fed him the steak I had dropped on the floor earlier.

So I've decided to erase the whole incident of our marriage and pretend that I married a man called WD instead. And he's AWESOME. I've created visual aids for you because I'm such a genius at Photoshop.

Ah, here is me and WD. Eating cake on our wedding day.

He's a musician too. Only GOOD at it.

WD and myself on a date.

Dressed up as Corpse Bride for Halloween.

Valentine's Day

In addition, his hobbies include washing dishes and telling me I'm wonderful.

Oh, and that's what he looks like shirtless.

I love you WD. I'm so glad that humorless moron I was married to before was torn apart by rabid owls in that freak accident. I know it was a gruesome, painful death and most of his organs are still scattered in the pine trees behind the house but I'd like to think it meant something.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I bought these two cool African masks at the market and I was very keen to know their significance. I dubbed them Heebie and Jeebie. Of course, none of the tribes in South Africa use or make masks, so I went to the only Angolan man I know and asked them what the masks are for and he looked amused and said, "To make money off off white people."

But I'm cool with that.
The man I asked is the car guard behind this grocery store right now, but he used to be a maths professor before the war and people came and burnt down his home and killed his sister and he had to leave the high walls of the university behind. Angola, he says, is the most beautiful land in the world. The whole earth hums with magic and the air smells like spells. Sometimes he draws complicated equations on the concrete wall behind the store that advertises half-off green peppers and talks to high school kids about the beauty of Pythagoras when they walk by.
It makes me sad that they never listen because when he speaks he makes Math sound like the most beautiful thing in the world. Next to Angola, of course.

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Ten Stages of Doing Something Stupid

Oh God. I have done something unbearably stupid. My boss was talking about this huge seminar they're holding in London next month and how she's looking for someone who will have the guts to stand up in front of a group of private hospital executives and speak to them about the private hospital industry in the United Kingdom - an industry I've worked in for about 10 minutes. I put my hand up. I said, "I'll do it. Oh please let me make an ass of myself in front of these people who have millions of dollars and have met the Queen. I know I don't really speak the language and I still don't entirely know what a cardiothoracic surgeon does, but what I lack in knowledge I make up for in determination."

I don't know why I do this. Maybe it's my chipper can-do attitude that my parents beat into me as a child. Maybe it's because my mother let me watch Spartacus when I was four. I don't know. But it's an inevitable, predictable downward spiral from here.

Yeah, I'm at stage 5 now. I find it a sad testimony to my personal life that I know what Hepatobiliary is but not bangers.

I'm looking forward to visiting the UK though. Not that I don't love Africa. I mean, I love Africa. There's SO many things I love here:

50% Income Tax
My parents
Media Blackout
Dial-up Internet
No hot water

Oh well. UK here I come!

Holy Shit! The Bloggess!!!

Guys. The motherfucking Bloggess left a comment on my blog. It saddens me to say that this was the highlight of my entire existance on this planet. I am never washing this blog again.

PS. Someone pointed out that I didn't draw my graph correctly, and that the whole thing makes no sense to anyone with fundamental knowledge of Math. I wanted to draw another graph about that, but could only come up with this: