PS. I had forgotten I put "speaks basic Japanese" on my resume.
PPS. It's true.
PPPS. Well, it used to be true. In addition to forgetting I had put it on my resume, I had forgotten how to speak it. Damn.
PPPPS. Then I realized that the interviewer doesn't speak any Japanese so I just made up a lot of bullshit to impress him. I apologize to the Japanese people for misrepresenting your culture, etc. If you are Japanese and feel raw about it, call me and I'll take you out for sushi. You guys like that, right?
Anywayyyyy, I took Dave out for a beer cause it was hot and he was my begrudging navigator ("So where exactly is your interview?" "Um...I dunno." "What's the company called?" "Um...Plastic...Something?") and then the recruitment agent called me all excited and told me that the job was 99,9% mine and the guy loved me. 99.9% is good odds so we decided to get 99.9% drunk and celebratory.
Eventually I got home but I spent the entire night yacking up my celebratory liquid diet and only got to sleep at 4 am. Dave was not impressed. ("Are you asleep?" "I was. It's 3 am" "I need you to drive me to the hospital" "You are FINE! You're just drunk!" "I never get drunk. This is serious. I probably have cancer!" "GO TO SLEEP" "FINE! BUT YOU WILL BE SORRY WHEN YOU ROLL MY DEAD CORPSE OUT OF BED TOMORROW!")
Side note: Dave was right. I was just drunk. Who would have thought.
Anyway, I got woken up at 8 am by my prospective employer, who said that in order to secure the remaining 0.01% needed to secure the job, all I had to do was prepare a report on the accounting theory of constraints. As in, now.
Drunk accounting at 8 am
Full of bravado at having mastered the plastic industry in under 24 hours, I immediately responded with "That's no problem. There is literally nothing I don't know about the Theory of Constraints."
Looking back, this was not an accurate representation of what I remember about the theory of constraints (nothing).
But I managed to do it. And now know more about costing and management accounting drunk than most people do sober. If that doesn't impress prospective employers, I don't know what will.