Monday, February 21, 2011

Volunteerism: Fuck it.

I surprised and disgusted everyone when I failed to volunteer to go to Johannesburg for a conference next week. I know they all expected me to, but I didn’t.

BOSS: “…and there will be a conference next week, and I need one of the marketing people to go with me. Estelle?”

ME: “No.”

BOSS: “Don’t you want to be a jetsetter?”

ME: “No.”

BOSS: “Don’t you want to meet the CEO?”

ME: “No.”

BOSS: “It’ll be good for your career.”

ME: “They always say that. But it never comes true. And then you are overworked and underpaid and also in Johannesburg.”

BOSS: “Come on…”

ME: “No.”

BOSS: “Wouldn’t you rather see the world than be stuck in the office?”

ME: “I would rather grow testicles and have midgets repeatedly punch me in them before I go to Johannesburg for no goddamn reason.”

OK, I didn’t actually say that last part. But I hate air travel. Here’s why.

  1. Getting at the airport 2 hours ahead of the flight as advised, checking in within 2 minutes and then spending the other 118 minutes aimlessly milling around the deserted airport, buying overpriced drinks from stores you do not like.
  2. Lady sitting next to you talking to you for the entire duration of the flight.
  3. Lady sitting next to you breastfeeding for the entire duration of the flight.
  4. Fat man arm on your shoulder.
  5. Removing your laptop and shoes and belt and change and cellphone and chucking it in the little bin while impatient people crowd up behind you.
  6. Crappy movies. The last time I flew the TV broke and Prince of Persia started playing and I had to sit there helplessly while it happened to me.
  7. Being unable to get my shampoo and deodorant into 30ml bottles and having it leak over my clothes in my luggage.
  8. The four in-flight food groups: white meat (of some kind), hard rice, powdered something (just add water to enjoy your delicious eggs/mashed potatoes/chocolate milk/soy burger), and that juice in a plastic tub that will never expire, no matter what you do to it.
  9. People who stand up in the window seats when the plane lands EVEN THOUGH there is no way they are leaving the plane within the next 10 minutes.
  10. Possibility of death in horrible fiery crash.
What do you hate most about flying? Or Johannesburg? Either one is fine.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Top Ten Lies My Mother told me as a Child

If you are in your 20s, you’ve probably figured out that your parents have lied to you your whole life. I’m not even talking about Santa Claus or the Easter bunny. These are mere trifles. My mother has come up with brilliant, gypsy-like, oddball wisdom over the years which surely – had I been any less stable-minded than I already am – would have resulted in a total nervous breakdown/school shooting/bombing of some kind as an adult.

1. “If you don’t wash your hair, pumpkins will grow in it and it will get too heavy for your head and will fall off.”
2. “If you sit on a table, you will never be able to get a husband. Well, I don’t care what you think. I never sat on tables and I have a husband.”
3. “Chewing gum is made out of old, melted tyres. If you swallow it, they will knot your guts together. And you will STARVE.”
4. “Don’t pull faces. If you pull faces and someone rings the doorbell, it will stay like that forever. Seriously. I know people like that.”
5. “If you fail your English test, the government will make a record of it in your permanent file and you will never be able to get a job. You’ll have to work in a sewage plant for ten hours a day and sleep in a box. I’m just saying.”
6. “Don’t swallow the pips [of the watermelon]. It grows into a plant in your stomach. Its your choice, but those plants get pretty big.”
7. “Wash your hands after you’ve been to the store. People spit on the cans and then you touch them and get germs.”
8. “Just put half a potato on your wart and bury it at night. It’ll fall off…no, I don’t know how it works. It just does.”
9. “I don’t know where babies come from. You weren’t a baby. You were a baboon your dad and I caught and shaved. Why?...I don’t know why. But doesn’t it explain a lot?”
10. “Lock your car door! If you leave it unlocked, a hobo will grab you out of the car and run away when we stop at the traffic light.”

Please share your favorite parental bullshit memories below.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day

So far the day has been surprisingly unsucky...I received roses and a card, a chocolate heart and a depressed looking teddybear impaled on a plastic rose. (That last one was a gift from the receptionist, who wanted to do my astrological chart this morning. I would have totally let her do it but I want to work her for at least three months before letting them all know how strange I am.)
Managed to move in over the weekend with the help of SuperDave. Actually, he didn't so much "help" me as "totally do the whole thing while I slept." (He tried piling boxes on top of me in protest, but I didn't wake up for that. But that explains why I've been having weird dreams about being a hobo.) I even managed to de-virus my computer but now it keeps bringing up this weird pop-up asking me "Do you want more privacy?" which makes me suspect that the computer suspects I am viewing copious amounts of porn at work. And that it's judging me.

If your Valentine's Day is more sucky, here's a lovely vintage card for you which proves that gay people have been around since the 20s:

Yes. Nothings says I love you like a fat cop waving a dildo threatening to cop a feel. Happy Valentine's Day!