Monday, May 31, 2010
1) They don't listen to Jack Bauer. But they really should. And they decide to. And it all works out.
2) There is a double agent working for CTU.
3) Jack goes back to CTU FOR THE LAST TIME.
4) They catch the double agent but he/she negotiates for immunity.
5) Probably some "major character" will die
6) And there is an explosion/systems failure/deadly plague at the CTU head office
Friday, May 28, 2010
Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing
Aerophobia- Fear of swallowing air
Ambulophobia- Fear of walking
Anablephobia- Fear of looking up
Anemophobia- Fear of wind
Anthrophobia- Fear of flowers
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof ofthe mouth.
Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes
Auroraphobia- Fear of Northern Lights
Barophobia- Fear of gravity
Basophobia- Fear of walking
Batophobia- Fear of being close to high buildings
Bibliophobia- Fear of books
Blennophobia- Fear of slime
Bogyphobia- Fear of the bogeyman
Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting
Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors
Chaetophobia- Fear of hair
Chionophobia- Fear of snow
Chromatophobia- Fear of colors
Chronophobia- Fear of time
Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks
Cibophobia- Fear of food
Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed
Cnidophobia- Fear of string
Deciophobia- Fear of making decisions
Dendrophobia- Fear of trees
Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body
Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of school
Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors
Eleutherophobia- Fear of freedom
Eosophobia- Fear of daylight
Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge
Ergophobia- Fear of work
Ereuthophobia- Fear of the color red
Geliophobia- Fear of laughter
Geniophobia- Fear of chins
Genuphobia- Fear of knees
Geumaphobia- Fear of taste
Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge
Graphophobia- Fear of writing
Heliophobia- Fear of the sun
Helmintophobia- Fear of being infested with worms
Hemophobia- Fear of blood
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words
Homichlophobia- Fear of fog
Hypnophobia- Fear of sleep
Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish
Ideophobia- Fear of ideas
Kainophobia- Fear of anything new
Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down
Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables
Leukophobia- Fear of the color white
Levophobia- Fear of objects to the left side of the body
Linonophobia- Fear of string
Logophobia- Fear of words
Melanophobia- Fear of the color black
Melophobia- Fear of music
Metrophobia- Fear of poetry
Mnemophobia- Fear of memories
Mottephobia- Fear of moths
Nebulaphobia- Fear of fog
Neophobia- Fear of anything new
Nephophobia- Fear of clouds
Nomatophobia- Fear of names
Octophobia- Fear of the number 8
Ommetaphobia- Fear of eyes
Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams
Ophthalmophobia- Fear of opening one’s eyes
Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish
Panophobia- Fear of everything
Papyrophobia- Fear of paper
Paraskavedekatriaphobia- Fear of Friday the 13th
Peladophobia- Fear of bald people
Phengophobia- Fear of daylight
Phobophobia- Fear of fear
Photophobia- Fear of light
Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking
Pogonophobia- Fear of beards
Sciophobia- Fear of shadows
Scolionophobia- Fear of school
Selenophobia- Fear of the moon
Siderophobia- Fear of stars
Sitophobia- Fear of food
Sophophobia- Fear of learning
Stasibasiphobia- Fear of walking
Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting
Trichopathophobia- Fear of hair
Triskadekaphobia- Fear of the number 13
Verbophobia- Fear of words
Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow
- The New Spock
- Dr House
- Sean Connery in James Bond
- Sean Connery in Entrapment
- Sean Connery 10 years from now in the nursing home, totally decrepit
- Gordon Ramsay
- Tony Soprano
- Kermit the Frog if he was a real live person and on crack cause he hates his job
- Bill Clinton
- The Queer eye for the straight guy-guys
- All of the Jonas Brothers (and yes - I'd totally tape that, sell that, make millions and go on Oprah about that)
- Sir Anthony Hopkins
- Tommy Lee Jones
- Young MacGuyver sans hair
- Jeff Probst
The list goes on. And don't pretend like I'm weird. I recently did a drunken poll with some friends and we came up with the weirdest places they've ever had sex:
- the movie theatre
- alley behind a dumpster
- the balcony of their apartment
- the bathroom at Spartacus (yeah that's right, DW, that guy who sat behind you at the Elton John concert? Totally did that)
- Ratanga Junction Theme park
Thursday, May 27, 2010
During my frantic googling (my husband DW has a cold, and is too weak to feed himself or bathe, yet miraculously strong enough to haul the couch across the room so he can play Playstation), I came across this headline from the Fair Motherland: The World's Strongest Vagina Breaks new record. I kid you not. Apparenlty Tatiata Kozhevnikova just broke her previous record by lifting a 14-kg glass ball with her vajay-jay. She trains for this feat with custom-made training balls. (Hey, remember back when Guiness World Records celebrated human achievement, talent, determination?) Within seconds of sharing this fact with my weird friend Fran, I got IM'd a list of even more disturbing sex records:
1. Moulay Ismail Ibn Sharif holds the record for most children - he fathered 1042 with his 500 wives.
2. In 1765, a peasant woman from Shuya (Moscow again!) gave birth to her 27th child. That included 16 pairs of twins, 7 pairs of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets. And between you and me, I think she should at least be a runner-up for "World's Strongest Vagina".
3. The world's biggest penis was 13.5 inches (34 cm) long and 6.25 inches (16cm) wide. The owner of aforementioned dong was Dr RL Dickenson (hahahhaahaha). The world's smallest penis was 0.39 inches long (1 cm). No one knows his real name but apparently the condition is called "congenital hypoplasia" and it affects about 0.7% of the population...so ladies. Be grateful for what you have. In the animal kingdom the crown goes to the humble barnacle, who's penis is 42 times the lenght of its own body, and to Rorqual whales that have 10-foot schlongs, 1 foot in diameter.
4. The whole's biggest vagina record goes to Anna Swan from Scotland. She was a giantess. She gave birth to a baby whose head was 19 inches (48 cm) in circumfence.
5. The farthest male ejaculation ever recorded was 18 feet (6 m) and was achieved by Horst Schultz. The farthest a woman was recorded to ejaculate was 10 feet (3 m). The most ejaculations for a man in one hour is 16.
6. A porn star recently set the record for most sexual partners in one day - a whole 620 of men in 24 hours.
7. Those horndogs in Japan hold the record for the world's biggest orgy - 250 couples. Ogenki desu ka?
8. The youngest girl to ever give birth was 5-yeard old Lina Medina, 1933.
9. In 1300 BC King Menephta defeated the Libyan hordes and collected 13 000 chopped-off penises to take home in celebration. What ever happened to flowers?
10. Michelle Monahan of L.A., swallowed 1.7 pints (almost 1 liter) of semen and had to get her stomach pumped, but she made her way into the record books.
Apparently, scientists have found that women are genetically engineered to get high off of buying shoes. We reason that we will be able to wear the shoes over and over again, so collecting them creates an adrelin rush and releases dopamine - we get this from our berry-collecting cave woman ancestors. Also, as mammals, we are wired biologically to associate height with power, says professor Helen Fisher, from the Rutgers University. Therefore we "heighten our status" when we put on high heels. Stilettos, Fisher says, makes women assume the "primal mating position" which is (apparently) popping out your butt and arching your back.
I don't know about the rest of you, but the position I assume when wearing stilettos does not resemble anything you might call a "primal mating position". I assume a position best described as the "drunken cross country hunchback skier" position. The "newborn giraffe position". The "bravely learning to walk again after a lengthy coma position". But nothing about that is sexy. Nor are the blisters, backaches, painful bitching sessions.
Another whackjob/expert Dr Daniel Amen says that our minds are wired to assocaite feet with sex. I quote: "The area of the brain that communicates with the genitals is right next to the area that deals with the feet. These regions share neural crosstalk, which is why shoes are erotic." It's eerie because I never pictured my feet as having much to say to my bajingo. I don't really like to have them talking about me behind my back.
Exhibit A: the attached photo is of DW with white hair. He modeled the hair style off of the Cat Walk Trainer from America's Next Top Model.
Exhibit B: He watches America's Next Top Model.
The suspicions started when DW paid blood money so that he could watch the Elton John concert. In the botanical gardens. With his best friend. Lance. He not only packed a picnic basket with salad and juice boxes, he also packed a blankie. And knew all the words. That's got to be on the top 10 gayest things to do list. Right between Bedazzling your yoga shoes and having anonymous gay sex in the bathroom at Spartacus. Can you picture Clint Eastwood or John Wayne sitting on a blankie in the Valley of Ferns humming along to "Don't Go Breaking my Heart"? No.
What put the final pink nail in his little homosexual coffin though was this conversation:
DW: "Honey, honey, you missed out!!! You should have gone to JP's birthday."
DW: "Because it wasn't just his birthday party...it was his coming out party!"
Essie: "Well, kudos. What happened?"
DW (high-pitched girly voice): "It was soooo cool...we had burgers...Dominic and I were the only straight guys there...!"
DW: "They had bets as to whether or not Dom was straight!"
Essie: "What were the odds against you?"
DW: "There were no bets that I was gay!"
Essie: "Ten bucks says you are wrong about that too."
DW: "And then....we went to a gay club."
Essie (evil laughter)
DW: "Oh c'mon, straight guys go all the time."
Essie: "I'm calling my bookie..."
DW: "No, really. I met like...3 girls there."
Essie: "Yeah...those are called "trannies"."
DW: "No, they were real girls!"
Essie: "Fine. 2 trannies and a beard."
DW: "What's a beard?"
Essie: "That's what I do for you. Read up about it on myhusbandisswish.com. It's my other site."
DW: "You better not blog about this."
Essie: "Try to stop me."
DW (hangs up)
DW: "How is it hard work?"
Essie: "He's paying a million dollars. I can't just lie there and flip through a magazine like I do at home. He's going to want his money's worth."
Friday, May 14, 2010
Kudos of the Day goes to my good friend Dan who has taught me everything I know about fishing...i.e. buggerall. He gets the kudos for catching really big fish in dirty ponds and sleeping in a wet tent all weekend whilst we're all warm inside (that's how ya earn your man card, boys!). And also I asked him to name the big fish after me, and he wouldn't because it's too ugly, so he gets double kudos points for being a kissass. Kudos, Danny :)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
TELKOM GUY: (typing) "Ooooh, sorry, no that doesn't exist either."
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
RIP Auntie Ada. I love you still and will never forget you.
Ok here’s the deal. Calories taste good. I’m sorry, that’s a fact. This is steak you cook when you want to indulge. Not indulge like...when you are depressed and eat KFC dipped in mayonnaise by yourself. Indulge in the sense that you feel you deserve to eat something truly delicious.
Buy instant cheddar sauce gravy (2 x packets – the really cheap MSG laden kind), and 1 packet mushroom sauce gravy. Mix them in 750 ml fresh cream. Yes that’s right. 750 ml. 3 x cups of full fat cream. Now grate extra cheese in there, toss in garlic and fried mushrooms, and top it with loads of salt and freshly milled black pepper. (for those of you ARE on diet, you can use Bulgarian yoghurt instead of the cream. Save your calories for the liquor).
Fry up a rare fillet steak and deep-fry potatoes in oil. Cut lines into the potatoes so it really soaks up the fat in the oil. Put the fillet steak and potatoes in a plate and drown in the sauce.
Pour a giant glass of wine. (I went with the Dutoitskloof Hangover Blend a.k.a. Pinotage/Merlot & Ruby Cabernet mix. Because I share an office building with them, and their boss told me I'm the sexiest girl on the planet, and I'm easy like that). Use the biggest glass you have. DRINK UP, EAT UP and don’t obsess about it. That skinny girl at the gym? Lousy in bed. Totally has daddy issues. A nightmare. You don’t want to be her. Men prefer meat on the bones. This is your mantra. Recite it as your jaws move.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The article quotes an "exclusive interview" with In Touch magazine: "She can't write or sing or dance, so she does harmful things in order to validate herself in the media," Kim's ex-husband, Damon Thomas tells In Touch exclusively. "That's a fame-whore to me. It's just not cool at all."
I can't believe that In Touch magazine would pay a shitload of money just to hear someone call Kim Kardashian a "talentless plastic surgery-loving fame whore". Isn't that common knowledge??
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
1) you can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them. Same goes for "Shosholoza".
2) you call a traffic light a "robot", a pickup a "bakkie" and everything remotely fun/enjoyable/tasty as "lekker"
3) your employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are
4) you get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather
5) you know what Rooibos Tea is.
6) you know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela
7) you go to "braais" not barbeques.
8) you know that there's nothing to do in the Free State
9) you can do your monthly shopping on the pavement
10) you consider hijacking cars as a profession
11) you reckon that the petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car
12) People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given
13) "Now now" can mean anything from a minute to a month
14) you continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction
15) your travelling at 120 km/h and you're the slowest vehicle on the highway
16) you know that a bullet train is being introduced, yet we can't fix potholes
17) you know that you have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital
18) you have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one
19) you know that prisoners go on strike
20) you consider it a good month if you only get mugged once
21) you take lunch with you when go to the Post Office/Bank/Municipality
22) you love biltong and droëwors.
23) you pay with Bucks, not Rands
24) you don't worry if you don't have a drivers license or registration disc, as long as you have a hundred bucks.
25) you consider a bakkie being a vehicle, not a bowl...
26) you can never find the street your looking for, because the street sign is always missing or unreadable.
27) Cricket and/or Rugby is all the sport you need.
28) you perfectly understand the term "Bring a chop, dop en n pop"
29) the word "Eish" makes you worry horrifically, the word "Sharp" makes you worry somewhat less..
30) the police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night, but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station.
31) you continuously vote until the right party wins.
32) your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car.
33) you start joking about the crime rate.
34) Christmas is about watermelon, beach holidays and swimming. Even though we hand out Christmas cards with snowmen on them.
35) Aussies are usually considered nice people until we play them in cricket/rugby, after which they turn into the scum of the earth
36) You know and use the term 'die ref is blind'.
37) You have no idea how to calculate miles, gallons, yards or pints. Or the Farenheit scale.
38) You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from South Africa
PLEASE NOTE: Gay men do not have man cards. They have man-tastic cards. It doesn't mean gay men aren't men. It means they are men...and fabulous.
HOW TO LOSE YOUR MAN CARD IN 10 DAYS (or less)
* wearing mascara if you aren’t a rock star (and that means YOU, DW)
* if you have owned a Bedazzler or have been bedazzled
* ordering Bacardi in a bar
* wearing fake tan
* going to see anything peformed "on ice"
* ordering salad in a restaurant
* reading the instructions before attempting to (and breaking) something you are assembling
* waxing ANY part of your body unless you are a porn star or professional cyclist
* doing Yoga, reiki or anything that has been on Oprah
* watching chick flick without a chick
* using/owning an olive oil atomiser
* watching anything with Rosie O'Donell starring in or directing it
* taking longer than 20 minutes to get ready for anything
* using the Internet for research and meaning actual valid research, not boobs
* being a member of the studio audience of The View
* purchasing a Smart Car
* voting for anyone on Idols
* owning a Miley Cyrus CD
* for that matter - owning a Billy Ray Cyrus CD AFTER 1993
* being able to name all 3 Jonas Brothers
* being on a polo team and you are not a member of the Royal Family
* knowing how to make a "white wine reduction"
* if you have ever in an argument as to whether or not the thing you are carrying is a "man-bag"
You get the idea.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
FILLETS WITH MUSHROOM & RED WINE SAUCE, SPICY POTATO WEDGES & ONION RINGS
Melt 2 x spoons of butter, add a teaspoon crushed garlic and sauté. Stir in quarter cup of dry red wine (I used the 2008 Baronne Cabernet Sauvignon Shiraz from Nederburg). Add either ½ hot beef stock or ½ cup fresh cream, depending on how rich you want it. Stir in salt and pepper and 1 tbspn of fresh rosemary or 1 tspoon dried rosemary. I prefer fresh, but then I saw my cat peeing in that part of the garden, so I gave up the whole herb garden thing. Add in cooked sliced mushrooms and heat it up.
Steak should be fried SIMPLY with fresh black pepper, salt , soy or Worcestershire sauce and a dash of vinegar to soften it. Seal it quickly by turning it over in a very warm skillet, then fry it quickly. I love mine rare, but it’s up to you.
Fry up some potato wedges and onion rings and drizzle it with a combo of olive oil, sundried tomatoes, chilli and peppers for added zing or serve it plain with barbecue salt if you sampled too much red wine.
*TIP FOR GENTLEMEN: Spoil your woman. Rent an art movie. It’ll make her cry and you will look sophisticated. And there is a good chance you’ll see boobs 15 minutes into the thing.
Being married is like being single only worse because YOU ARE NEVER ALONE...and other fun facts about being married
1. Marriage can be really lonely
Yes, marriage can be lonely. Only YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. And you will LONG TO BE ALONE. Because despite what you may think right now, your loved one is really really annoying. You don't see it but he/she is. His hobbies are stupid. His friends will come over and wreck your shit. He will stop being cute when he is drunk and just be gross and drunk and a bad dancer. He will smell, eat too loudly, critisize your driving and YOU - YOU WILL NAG THE SHIT OUT OF HIM UNTIL YOU CAN BARELY STAND YOURSELF but don't worry oh because YOU LOVE HIM and you are COMMITTED and it's just like The Notebook only you WANT to forget him!!! Other than that, marriage is great. No, really.
2. Marriage can be sexless
Who knew that watching your partner scratching his private parts or puking at 5 am will reduce his sex appeal? And YOU - YOU won't be a sex goddess either. YOU will fail to shave your legs, brush your teeth, you will get sick, you will stop dyeing your roots or going to the gym, you will read about sex in Cosmo and roll your eyes and go, "yep yep I'm not doing that anymore" and you will have weeks where you rub up against your washing machine so much you will start to bond with the thing, give it name (mine is called "Charlie") and get seriously jealous over it. And when you EVENTUALLY do break the dry spell you will call out "Charlie, Charlie" in bed and he won't believe your explanation and then you will have to go for marriage counselling. And it will suck.
3. Marriage means you have to go to a buttload of boring family events
It also means you don't have to sit at the "kiddie table" at Christmas, but for the most part - now you will be expected to attend christenings, bar mitzvahs, barbecues, reunions and 50th, 80th and 100th birthday parties for relatives you don't know or like. And you have to buy a present each time.
4. Your feelings towards your mother will shift inexplicably and drastically
Back when she was "against your love" she was wrong. She was the bad guy. You used to cry on your guy's shoulder and tell him fiercely how she only says she hates his haircut because she is old and dried up and cannot bear to look at two star-crossed lovers brimming with Eastern promise. After marriage, she becomes your number one ally. He becomes the dick. I don't know why the shift happens, but it does.
5. You will discover that you, too, are a bitch
I've beaten my husband over the head with a remote because he kept flipping the channels. I've yelled, screamed and used swear words I didn't even know I knew. When he yelled "OMG, it's Deadpool!" as he was watching X-men cartoons and went into a long description of who Deadpool was, I made a serious and graphic threat on his life. I even paced the yard visualizing where I would toss the corpse.
6. Housework will not double but quadruple
It makes sense that adding 1 more person to your household will add the mess of 1 more person. That's science. NO MY FRIENDS. Your mate will QUADRUPLE the amount of domestic crap you have to do. I no longer have to just wash socks, I have to locate them behind and UNDER the dryer. There are stains that exist in underwear I cannot identify under a microscope. And once when I left on a business trip I came home to discover a pool of dried cat vomit that had gone off in the heat. I didn't think vomit could GO off. But it does. And you will have clean it.
7. Men never change...anything
Not toilet paper rolls. Not your flat tire. Not lightbulbs. Not themselves. He will remain the exact same man he was when you got married, except the two of you now own a set of china together.
8. You will understand why Lorena Bobbitt did it
That woman gets flowers from women in prison. Every day.
9. Men cannot do anything
They think they can. But they can't. They stand around the car, with one foot on the hood, looking at the engine, going "Mmmmmm...." but they don't know what they are looking at. Remember when you told him you knew how to make apple pie? It's like that. It's a lie. They don't know how to fix anything. Put a plumber on speed dial.
10. A successful marriage is not what you think it is
Marriage is not happiness. It's not romance. In the words of my mother-in-law, "You know your marriage is working when you contemplate murder but not divorce."
What is the good news? I believe that when (and if) you do find that special someone, you will be able to handle all of the above. If you have someone you can look at, and honestly say: this person respects me, knows who I am (and still loves me), looks at me like I'm a hero, whistles when I get dressed up, talks to me for hours, doesn't try to bully, manipulate or change me, teaches me how to poke fun at myself, lives to please me and lights up when I walk in the room...you will be able to keep it together. And I believe that you will find the experience of marriage highly, HIGHLY rewarding.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
1. Oprah is more powerful than the Pope, the American President and our own common sense.
I don't know why or how it happened. But it did. And we need to think about whether we really want to grant absolute power to a woman who regularly sings the names of her guests and cannot apply her own lipliner. Also, a small part of me is terrified that she's going to see this and have me killed.
2. Oprah has got me in her power
When Oprah tells me to buy a book, I buy the book. When Oprah asks me about my financial status, I take out a pension plan. When Oprah buys flannel pajamas, I buy flannel pajamas. If Oprah were to tell me to become a Communist, I would be erecting the Karl Marx statue along with the rest of you...in my flannel pajamas.
3. Oprah is the reason why Dr Phil, Dr Oz, Gail King and many other really crap TV personalities got their shows
And you know you have to watch them. She told us to.
4. Oprah is the reason George Bush got elected
Before George Bush went on that show, everyone thought he was a retard. Oprah - at the very least - made him look...mildly less retarded.
5. Oprah is the reason why I've spent an hour listening to Gary Zukov
And that is 55 minutes too long.
6. Oprah is the reason we all sort of know what it means to "remember your spirit"
Remember that segment? How do you "forget your spirit"? It's not like you'd go on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and have Regis ask you, "Ok, for a hundred thousand dollars, can you tell us what the immortal part of you that will live after your death is?" and afterwards you'll be all like, "I can't believe i forgot my spirit...I should have remembered my spirit..."
7. Oprah keeps forgetting that she just acted in an Alice Walker movie, she didn't actually live in one
Oprah grew up poor. I also grew up poor. But if you listen to her "I grew up poor" stories you'd swear she had to steal a tub of butter from the Massah's kitchen, lard up her wrists to slip off the manacles and run from the plantation with Simon Legree cracking a bullwhip over her bloodied back.
8. Oprah's show is a blog
Oprah's show does not inform, teach or inspire. Oprah's show is bullshit. Much like this blog, Oprah spends all her time speaking about Oprah and Oprah's opinions. It is sad that I can't identify 95% of world leaders or remember the periodic table, but I can tell you the names of Oprah's dogs.
9. Oprah doesn't need an Angel network
Oprah keeps begging us for money. She cries. She campaigns. Why does she need money from the public for her charity projects? Sure, Oprah has good days and bad days like the rest of us. But on Oprah's bad day, she still has enough money to buy Thailand.
10. O magazine, O clothing, and O movies
and everything else that is O so bad.
Me (nonchalant): "Hi, yeah. My oil level is low and when I put the brakes on there is not enough left to register at the pump sender, and then when I am in park it is not creating enough pressure at the pump and the light comes on. So I need some oil. Like, now."
Amused Gas Station Man: "Ok, yeah, that sounds right. Must say we don't get a lot of women who know their cars in here."
Me: "Oh, really? Well, it is the twentieth century...feminism did happen, y'know."
Amused Gas Station Man: "Don't I know it. Just pop the front and we'll take a look."
Me (blank face)
Amused Gas Station Man: "Pop the hood, miss."
Amused Gas Station Man (gesturing): "There should be a lever..."
Me (pops open gas cap)
Amused Gas Station Man: "Not that lever, miss."
Me (pops open trunk of car)
Amused Gas Station Man (leans into window and pops the hood underneath the steering wheel)
Me (still acting cool and authoritative, frantically starts playing with glove box)
Amused Gas Station Man (shows me the dipstick): "Yeah, here you go. How much do you want?"
Amused Gas Sation Man: "I think you need about 2 cans."
Me: "Yeah..yeah...I think so too."
Amused Gas Station Man: "What kind do you want?"
Me (blank face): "There are different kinds?"
Amused Gas Station Man: "Yes, miss."
Me: "Which one does Tyra Banks use?"*
Amused Gas Station Man (thinking): "I think she'd go for the Helix."
Me: "Gimme 2 of that then." (whips out 400 bucks in small bills)
Amused Gas Station Man: "Um...it'll be 26.50, Miss."
Me: "JUST GIMME THE DAMN OIL!"
* She was right about tissue oil. I figured if anyone should know its her.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
My husband DW stumbled upon my blog. (OK, not stumbled upon. I went, Hey DW, check it out I got a blog and he looked). Surprisingly he was not offended by it and has instead been harassing me with new blog topics.
* Did Jesus invent the toilet seat? His Dad invented pooping so we don’t know.
* Before and after shots of food
* Guest blog by DW Nagel: I am not an idiot, even though she says so, she’s actually a very unreliable person and not at all funny in real life
I don’t think there’s anything in here worth publishing but I can’t risk offending him. He’s my biggest source of material.