I am still grievously unemployed. Apparently no one is yet ready to behold the marketing glory that is me. Let me summarize the extremely frustrating interview experiences thus far.
EMPLOYER: "This job only pays R6000 per month...it says here you've already earned more than that?"
ESSIE: "Yes, that's right. I am willing to work for less."
EMPLOYER: "I am sorry, we cannot accept your application."
ESSIE: "Why not?"
EMPLOYER: "You want too little money."
ESSIE (long pause): "Um...isn't that my problem?"
EMPLOYER: "If we hire you, you will leave us to earn more money. You should just find a job that pays a salary closer to what you are used to."
ESSIE: "The whole reason I am APPLYING for your shitty low-paying job is because I can't find ANY form of work that pays what I'm used to."
EMPLOYER: "We do offer wonderful unpaid internships."
ESSIE: "How is NO money better than a little bit of money?"
EMPLOYER: "If you accept this wonderful unpaid internship, you will work with us 5 days a week plus overtime and will learn a lot with the possibility of advancement to management. Eventually."
ESSIE: "I don't want to be a wonderful unpaid intern. I want to pay my rent."
EMPLOYER: "It is a wonderful growth opportunity."
ESSIE: "If you want someone who will work hard for free, you should have changed your ad from "Marketing Assistant, 3-5 yrs experience wanted" to "Gullible idiots who believe they will actually be promoted and given real grownup money soon apply here"."
EMPLOYER: "We cannot hire you. You look prone to violence. Please leave."
The good news is, I have virtually no standards left and will literally take any job I am offered. My unique skill set includes yoghurt making, cat grooming, garden gnome sculpting and the ability to destroy virtually any electronic device I am given, much like a human EMP. Oh, and 5 years' worth of marketing and PR experience and a degree from a substandard university. Let me know!