Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I suck at this!

I have not yet mastered adult reasoning.
In fact, I still barter with myself on a regular basis, e.g. do something mature…in exchange for spending the entire afternoon at work online shopping and buying pajama-jeans in three different color. It’s like my brain is this weird marketplace where scaly Portuguese men try to sell me junk to clutter up my home in exchange for coolie labor (much like the market in Greenmarket Square. I should totally go there this weekend. I haven’t bought a giant inflatable mallet in ages.)

For example, I cleaned the bathroom on Sunday. I even bought cleaning supplies! (SuperDave made me throw out my cleaning supplies when he saw how much mould was growing on the bottle of mould-remover). Don’t get me wrong: I love buying cleaning supplies. Lemony-scented kitchen wipes. Bathroom sprays. Oven cleaner. Those cans of dust spray that seem to do absolutely nothing to the furniture but smell really good in a toxicky kinda way…ah bliss. I could shop in that aisle for hours. I just don’t enjoy using them.

That being said, I scrubbed the tub, sink, faucets and toilet until it sparkled. For three seconds. The cat, who regularly pees on his own feet, likes to play in the bathroom right now. But even as I sat on the couch, thinking, I need to clean the tub again, my messed-up brain was telling me: “No, Essie. You washed the tub 3 days ago. You shouldn’t have to do it again today.” Then it got cocky: “You shouldn’t have to wash the tub EVER AGAIN.”

Every day when I pass that bathroom and think, I need to start being a motherf*cking adult and clean that thing, my brain tells me not to. After all, I did pay rent this month.

Does anyone else DO this? Here’s my list of subconscious payoffs:

ADULT ACT: Ate coucous for lunch
PAYOFF: Good job! You now may eat chicken waffles deep-fried in bacon grease covered in mayonnaise and blue cheese for dinner.

ADULT ACT: Completed assignment on time at work
PAYOFF: Good job! Now you can safely spend the next 7 ½ hours of the workday reading back posts of The Oatmeal and still feel productive.

ADULT ACT: Fed the cat
PAYOFF: Wow. That was hard. Don’t bother clean the litter tray. The poop will turn into dust eventually, thus becoming its own cat sand. It’s economical, really.

ADULT ACT: Paid the bills
PAYOFF: Let’s go gambling! You might get your rent money back!

ADULT ACT: Went to work
PAYOFF: Go to Monkeyland!

ADULT ACT: Bought life insurance
PAYOFF: Buy a ferret!

ADULT ACT: Invest money in shares
PAYOFF: Invest money in comic books!


  1. I mostly do this with food. I often say, "I have calories to spare!" which loosely translated means, "go ahead. Have that extra chocolate bar."


  2. Don't be so hard on yourself. My adult to childish act ratio is more like 1:4. And the spacing between adult acts? Let's not even go there.

  3. I love this, because I do it all the time!

    cooking dinner instead of eating out means I deserve a new pair of shoes ((even though the car still needs to be repaired))

    haha I think we all bargain with ourselves!