Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Top Ten Lies My Mother told me as a Child

If you are in your 20s, you’ve probably figured out that your parents have lied to you your whole life. I’m not even talking about Santa Claus or the Easter bunny. These are mere trifles. My mother has come up with brilliant, gypsy-like, oddball wisdom over the years which surely – had I been any less stable-minded than I already am – would have resulted in a total nervous breakdown/school shooting/bombing of some kind as an adult.

1. “If you don’t wash your hair, pumpkins will grow in it and it will get too heavy for your head and will fall off.”
2. “If you sit on a table, you will never be able to get a husband. Well, I don’t care what you think. I never sat on tables and I have a husband.”
3. “Chewing gum is made out of old, melted tyres. If you swallow it, they will knot your guts together. And you will STARVE.”
4. “Don’t pull faces. If you pull faces and someone rings the doorbell, it will stay like that forever. Seriously. I know people like that.”
5. “If you fail your English test, the government will make a record of it in your permanent file and you will never be able to get a job. You’ll have to work in a sewage plant for ten hours a day and sleep in a box. I’m just saying.”
6. “Don’t swallow the pips [of the watermelon]. It grows into a plant in your stomach. Its your choice, but those plants get pretty big.”
7. “Wash your hands after you’ve been to the store. People spit on the cans and then you touch them and get germs.”
8. “Just put half a potato on your wart and bury it at night. It’ll fall off…no, I don’t know how it works. It just does.”
9. “I don’t know where babies come from. You weren’t a baby. You were a baboon your dad and I caught and shaved. Why?...I don’t know why. But doesn’t it explain a lot?”
10. “Lock your car door! If you leave it unlocked, a hobo will grab you out of the car and run away when we stop at the traffic light.”

Please share your favorite parental bullshit memories below.


  1. Holy crap! I wrote about the exact same thing. Check it out

    Your mother's lies were way better than mine, though!

  2. I don't know whether to laugh as the 25 year old I am, or cry for the child that was probably scared shitless of these superstitions ^.^

    But at least the humor is what lasts....right?

  3. My mother used to tell me that if you do not eat the end bits of a loaf of bread your boobs won't grow. Shocked and appalled, the 12-year old me always started from the end bits.

    That ended as soon as I realised that the end bits are disgusting, and guess what, my boobs still grew!

  4. My mom told me if I wore a bra to bed my boobs wouldn't grow. Well, I still (usually) wear one to bed and the 38DDD size on it seems to think my mother was full of shit.

    She also told me not to breathe around powdered sugar because I would choke on it and die, it made eating doughnuts very difficult.

  5. Your mum made up excellent lies. No wonder you're so funny coming from her!
    My mum and dad told me that if I ate peas they'd go "ping!" in my mouth. Not sure why they thought that would make me want to eat them. Then it was stuff like - eat your crusts and your hair will go curly. Disappointingly a lie.

  6. Yikes.. my mom just lied about the generic stuff like santa and the easter bunny. Well there was one time when she told me my cat ran away but really she just brought it to a walmart and let it out of the car. I miss that cat. Haha

  7. My dad used to say, "Eat your broccoli. It'll put hair on your chest." I'm not sure how this was supposed to help his 3 daughters eat broccoli...