Monday, February 21, 2011

Volunteerism: Fuck it.

I surprised and disgusted everyone when I failed to volunteer to go to Johannesburg for a conference next week. I know they all expected me to, but I didn’t.

BOSS: “…and there will be a conference next week, and I need one of the marketing people to go with me. Estelle?”

ME: “No.”

BOSS: “Don’t you want to be a jetsetter?”

ME: “No.”

BOSS: “Don’t you want to meet the CEO?”

ME: “No.”

BOSS: “It’ll be good for your career.”

ME: “They always say that. But it never comes true. And then you are overworked and underpaid and also in Johannesburg.”

BOSS: “Come on…”

ME: “No.”

BOSS: “Wouldn’t you rather see the world than be stuck in the office?”

ME: “I would rather grow testicles and have midgets repeatedly punch me in them before I go to Johannesburg for no goddamn reason.”

OK, I didn’t actually say that last part. But I hate air travel. Here’s why.

  1. Getting at the airport 2 hours ahead of the flight as advised, checking in within 2 minutes and then spending the other 118 minutes aimlessly milling around the deserted airport, buying overpriced drinks from stores you do not like.
  2. Lady sitting next to you talking to you for the entire duration of the flight.
  3. Lady sitting next to you breastfeeding for the entire duration of the flight.
  4. Fat man arm on your shoulder.
  5. Removing your laptop and shoes and belt and change and cellphone and chucking it in the little bin while impatient people crowd up behind you.
  6. Crappy movies. The last time I flew the TV broke and Prince of Persia started playing and I had to sit there helplessly while it happened to me.
  7. Being unable to get my shampoo and deodorant into 30ml bottles and having it leak over my clothes in my luggage.
  8. The four in-flight food groups: white meat (of some kind), hard rice, powdered something (just add water to enjoy your delicious eggs/mashed potatoes/chocolate milk/soy burger), and that juice in a plastic tub that will never expire, no matter what you do to it.
  9. People who stand up in the window seats when the plane lands EVEN THOUGH there is no way they are leaving the plane within the next 10 minutes.
  10. Possibility of death in horrible fiery crash.
What do you hate most about flying? Or Johannesburg? Either one is fine.


  1. I HATE the knowledge that every time someone coughs or sneezes in the plane, their germs are flying towards my nose/ears/eyes/some other appendage and invading my body. It's sure to make whatever activity awaits me on the other end of the flight SO much more enjoyable. Ugh!!

  2. Ditto on Bi. It's like when there germs fly in the air a part of them is inside of you. GROSS.

    You've sure got some balls with your boss. Love it. Found you on 20sb.

  3. This is so great. I am totes posting it on facebook!

  4. Basically everything you metioned, but most of all, it's the crashing in a fiery death thing. I'm afraid of heights. And so, I get the added bonus of some fuctard who says, "Are you scared?" No, ASSHAT, I'm clenching my seats and crying because I'm so excited about flying.

    "Just look out the window it's beautiful." What part of I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS makes you think I want to look out the window?

    Ugh. Don't let them fool you. Air travel blows.