Shit my Dad Says Part III

My dad is really awesome. I've written about him here and here...Here's a picture of him kinda looking like Moses with Raybans on and my fave Dad-isms:

“You will do as your mom says. I handpicked your mother. You I had to take whether I wanted you or not...and frankly I’m still on the fence about the whole thing.”

“You’re being brainwashed. Your brother is being brainwashed. One of these days we’ll wake up and we’ll all just be communists.”

“Oh you’re wearing clothes...for a change.”

“Didn’t you move out already? Seems like there should be less of you.”

“Gross? That’s not gross. That’s a scab. Gross is when you see a grenade explode in a Portugese guy’s hand and then you have to pick him up and hold his chest closed and put him in your helicopter and fly away with black people shooting at you. That’s gross.”

“Two things. MOVE and OUT. Your mother and I want to go on second honeymoon.”

(to my mom, on vacation, after leaving us alone at home for the first time) “Haven’t heard a word from the kids all week...hope the dogs are OK.”

Shitmydadsays

So there is this twitter guy who got a book deal and a TV show just writing about stuff his dad says. I thought it was worth a shot. And my dad is pretty funny, regardless.

Me: Hey Dad.

Dad: Your mother isn't home.

Me: Oh, no, I'm looking for you.

Dad: (pause) Why?

Me: I got car trouble I think.

Dad: Didn't I give you away at the altar?

Me: (pause) Um...yeah...?

Dad: I GAVE YOU AWAY. You should be his problem.

Me: The oil light keeps going on when I step on the brake.

Dad: Don't step on the brake anymore.

Me: Um. I don't think I can avoid it.

Dad: So...tape something over it if the light bothers you.

Me: Wait, so my car is NOT broken?

Dad: It probably is, knowing you.

Me: Are you still upset over that CD player? I was 14.

Dad: That doesn't make it any less broken.

Me: (sigh) Give my love to Grandma.

Dad: You do the same with whatsisname.

Me: Bye Dad.

Dad: Your mom will be here at 7.

Me: BYE DAD

Dad: Okay.