Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Really, I'm not a terrorist. It just looks that way.

Dear Metro Cops

I would like to write this letter in response to your ominous anti-terrorism posters. First of all, thank you for not arresting me during my visit to your lovely country – even though I loudly made comments about how easy it would be to steal things there, and how I would like to move there and set up my own African crime syndicate in the heart of London. (My crime boss name would have been Mama Essie. But that's beside the point.) I thank and praise you for realizing that I wasn’t *that* serious about it. (Besides, I don’t have the capital for that now. I spent all my money on an investment that I personally thought would be lucrative, but it wasn’t...Curse you, Magic Beans!!!)

I did think however, that I should offer an explanation as to my (apparently) suspicious behaviour.

Terrorists need storage

At present, I am illegally storing vast amounts of crap in my old flat, even though I moved out ages ago and kept the key... The reason for this is that I live with a military man who doesn’t allow me to keep my precious belongings in the same room as...well. Him. This includes illegal DVDs, a plaster cast of a dragon’s head, Irish beer mugs, Nightmare before Christmas figurines, home-knitted teddy bears I buy at fairs because they are ugly and no one wants them and I feel sorry for them, a very crooked Christmas tree that both resembles and SHEDS needles like a nervous parrot with a skin disease, a GIANT jar of change and buttons that I MEANT to sew back on/take to the bank to exchange, various computer parts, a seamonkey aquarium, collection of bong-shaped vases, notebooks full of scribbling I had meant to turn into a novel, boxes of unsuccessful screenplays, comic books and exactly 24 imitation handbags that broke immediately after purchasing them from that toothless guy that sleeps on the bench next to my office.

PS. I shouldn’t have mentioned the illegal occupation/DVDs. Scrap that comment and replace it with “Christmas gifts for the poor”.
PPS. The vases shaped like bongs are Ok. They are not *actually* bongs. They are shaped like bongs. That’s not a crime.

Terrorists use multiple identities – do you know someone with documents with different names for no reason?

Again, I have different identity documents. It’s because I got married and changed my name because it was all romantic but then it took 8 months to get my identity document back from Home Affairs. And then they printed another one with my maiden surname. And then I kept it, just in case things didn’t work out WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE PRETTY DAMN CONVENIENT. So you are punishing me for being smart, essentially. Which is why the country is going downhill.

Terrorists use chemicals – do you know anyone who is buying large quantities of chemicals?

I use a large quantities of chemicals. SuperDave uses it to remove the stains from the coffee mugs and clean the carpets and various other things. I use them to nuke bugs. Really, I’m not building a bomb with them. Everyone knows the coolest bomb is the one where you put dry ice in a paint tin and slam the lid on really tight so it explodes, showering the world with your favourite shade.

PS. That kid who did that to my dad’s garage was never caught. You might want to get on that.

Terrorists use protective equipment

My dad has like 50 pairs of these goggles at home. They use them to spray-paint helicopters. (Not in the vandalism sense. That’s actually his job.) He just likes to steal them from work. I’m sure it’s perfectly innocent. Once I worked in a restaurant and stole like 50 pairs of snail forks. You do it because you are underpaid. And bored. Or because you like goggles. I’m sure you guys steal guns and shit all the time.

Terrorists need funding

Now, up until I got to this point I was fully behind your campaign. “Terrorists need credit cards”. OMG.

Look, ordinary people need to use stuff sometimes. Call me crazy, but I occasionally use my phone and my credit card and backpack for reasons that DO NOT INVOLVE blowing up the Queen of England. You are deliberately trying to make people paranoid about their friends and neighbours. I mean, I lived next to a guy for 4 years...people never liked him because he was very religious and kept to himself and left the light on late at night and collected newspapers and put up all these satellite dishes and received visitors at all hours of the night...Many people thought HE was a terrorist. Well, of course it turned out that it was perfectly innocent and that he was just a serial killer who cut up hookers.My point is, there is enough paranoia and hatred in the world for things that are different. I think you should let it go. No one is going to blow up London. And if they are going to, they aren’t going to be bloody OBVIOUS about it.

Sincerely yours



  1. Strange - I have never seen these posters. But I guess I don't use the tube that much. I also don't really pay attention to stuff.

    Did you hear about that guy they shot because they thought he was a terrorist? Turns out he was just a normal dude that got shit scared and ran when he saw 10 guys dressed in black carrying machine guns. Yeah, I'd be pretty f'n scared too!