What women want (or alternatively how to score with me in 11 steps. In theory this post applies to all women.)

I was reading this article about what women want and I thought I'd jot down what I want but then I realized no one is really concerned with that, so I've generalized it and wrote this thing about what ALL women want.

1. Care about our fantasies.

I have this fantasy where we up on the washing machine really going at it while he loads it up with dirty, pre-treated laundry and detergent, and then vaccuums the whole house with one hand and wipes the counter. In fact, the sex part is optional. In fact, if I could be lying in bed at the time, eating bonbons and watching Dr Phil it would be perfect.

2. Don’t embarrass us.

My friend really enjoys a bit of anal lovin’ but she’s too shy to ask for it, so she kept asking the guy to touch her “rosebud” and “strawberry” and “gate into the daffodil fields” (or whatever). Instead of laughing at her, he kept touching random bits of her body and going, “Um...here...? Here? Am I getting warmer?” I think that is incredibly sweet and generous. (As a side note before the really perverted jerk who keeps emailing me asking me about my sex life but I don’t want to block for various self-esteem related reasons asks me, NO I don’t have a special word I like to use for my ass. But if I ever I shout “Touch me in my George W Bush” that’s what I’m referring to.)

3. “Get” our sense of humor and agree with our politics.

I want your face to have lit up and go “Oh...because George W Bush is an asshole!” just now, or I won’t consider you.

4. Be different.

I once went on a date with a black Zimbabwean medical student who loved bowling and Country & Western music. There would have been a second date because he was really great but then we went out for pizza and he started explaining to me how my colon works. That’s less of a turn-on for me.

5. I really dig honesty in a person.

And I have almost NO standards/inhibitions/shame, so whatever creepy/disturbing/perverted thing you confess to me is just going to end up on my blog and make me love you even more.

6. Don’t be put off by a woman’s baggage. Don’t be scared to be the rebound guy.

The guy I dated BEFORE I got married thought he had cracked the space/time continuum and invented a teleporter. We just couldn’t see him teleport anywhere. If it wasn’t for him, I would never have gone out with DW. He made DW look good. (And DW makes dating men who are still in prison look good.)

7. A cool mother is very attractive.

I know you all think your moms are cool, but they AREN’T. And for some reason most moms hate me. (Except my friend Matt’s mom, who says she bets I give great blowjobs. So I like her for a) being perceptive and b) for making Matt totally uncomfortable. In fact, part of the package of being my husband/boyfriend/friend is that I really enjoy your total and utter humiliation and public degradation. Sorry. I’m in therapy about that.)

8. Be yourself but also be a gentleman sometimes.

That means you are allowed to fart but don’t shove my head under the covers to make me smell it. Like I said, I have low standards.

9. Or be George Clooney.

You can’t go wrong.

10. Be into her.

I like it when men are really into me. I hate aloof and cool men because I’m not aloof and cool AT ALL. By the time you have asked me out I will have already cut pictures from magazines and compiled a mugshot of what our future children might look like. I like when they want to see me four Saturdays in a row, make me a mix tape and go grocery shopping with me. Because it’s bonding. Ok...not really. I just can’t reach the cereal that I like by myself. In fact just get me the pink cereal with the little marshmellows and then you can fuck off home.

11. Acceptance

I blog about people I love. By the 3rd date the entire Internet will know how big your penis is. I laugh at inappropriate, sad moments in the movies where people die (my fave being where Vin Diesel’s girlfriend dies in The Chronicles of Riddick. He looks like my cat does when he’s constipated). I throw shit when I get angry. I am obsessive about having extravagant birthdays centered entirely around me even though I say I don’t want anything. I like having stupid nicknames. I really, really like Cat Stevens and music from various Disney movies even though I deny it vehemently. I don’t shave my legs in winter. I drive like a maniac. I steal road signs as a hobby. I own close to 900 books and refuse to get rid of them. If there is any kind of scab, pimple or bump on your body I WILL try to prick it with a needle. (I don’t know why. Again – therapy.) And there is nothing more attractive than a man who is cool with all of that.

5 Secrets Men Keep - reviewed

I was reading this online article entitled ">"5 Secrets Men Keep" alledgedly written by a man. Pfft.
I'm skeptical for two reasons:
1) Men don't share their secrets. It's in the bro code.
2) They are horribly inaccurate.
I insist that this man has his "man card" revoked. What kind of a man writes for "Glamor" magazine anyway? But here is, according to Glamor, the five secrets men keep, with my commentary:

Any feelings we harbor for an ex are eclipsed by the love for our first Playboy.

Men don't love their exes. Men hate their exes. When you dump a man you, as my friend Matt once put it to me, "step on their dick". And they don't like that. Not even in a playful way. There is no need to obsess over their exes. But by all means, sit outside her house and throw eggs on her car if it makes you feel better. I once had a bf's ex spread a rumor that I was lesbian. I started a rumor that she once stole a baby. At first it worked really well, but then people started asking me where the baby was and then I told them she ate it and the whole thing kinda backfired in a ugly scene. The lesson to be learnt is: spread malicious rumors but stick to believable ones. Cannibalism isn't as believable as you'd think. I don't know about the first Playboy either. But if I had one, I would have found it along with the pimpshoes.

We hear only the first half of what you say. It’s a medical condition.

Correction: they don't hear anything we say. When we speak they hear that "whop whrop waa waa" noise Charlie Brown characters hear when grownups speak. Unless you speak about boobs. In which case they hear "whrop whrop waa waa boobs whrop waa waa". In fact, studies show that using the word "boobs" regularly during conversation increases the amount a man hears by 43%.*

There’s no correlation between how happy our sex life is and how much we use the Western grip in private

This one took me aback. I've never heard of the "Western Grip"**. I've heard many cute masturbation catch phrases but not of this one. I can't vouch for it's authencity. In fact it threw me for so much of a loop that I completely forgot my point about this statement and started googling "Western Grip" and "masturbation phrases" and then I remembered my boss checks my search history and know I know she's going to get that look in her eye in a few minutes.

Sex and the City was a hit with men, too, because we saw it as a wildlife doc on how women behave.

Correction: Sex and the city was a hit with men, too. Because it had boobs.

Hooters’ wings stop tasting good when we have a daughter.

If nothing else, this statement should prove the invalidity of this article. Hooters' wings may be the best thing I've ever eaten. In fact, I googled the recipe and make it regularly at home. Even if your daughter is working at Hooters as a stepping stone to starting her own escort agency, Hooters' wings will still taste good to you. If it doesn't, I have nothing to say to you.

* I made this up.
**The Western Grip (tennis term): is obtained when placing the hand such that the base knuckle of the index finger is right on the 5th bevel. Compared to the Continental grip, the blade has rotated 135 degrees. This forces the wrist in an uncomfortable twist but allows for the greatest possible spin. This is basically equivalent to the Eastern Backhand grip, except that the SAME face of the racquet is used to strike the ball. The western grip generates maximum topspin and power. Because of the angle of your tennis racquet when you use the western forehand grip, you should make contact with the ball a bit earlier than you would with the eastern forehand grip.
That sounds about right.

Someone has to marry the serial killers

Most of you who know me know that I live on a run-down wine farm/hippie colony with two young guys (gay), our friend Marius (straight, single) and my cat Sweeney (bi-curious). Watching all this has equipped me with a wealth of relationship knowledge I'd like to share with you:

1. The pointier a women's shoes, the more high-maintenance she is.

2. It's Ok to have a special place for him/her in your heart. It's not Ok to have a special place in your basement for that person.

3. Men, never look at a woman and decide she's out of your league. Let her decide why she doesn't want to sleep with you, don't do it for her.

4. Ladies, men are easy to please. Feed them and tell them they are wonderful and you're pretty much set. Cancel the Cosmo subscription, you don't need it.

5. If you KNOW your man did something wrong, confront him on it. Don't "act suspicious", ask him questions and then beat him over the head with the answers.

6. Forgive easily. Forget easily. But first secretly tell all his friends he's fessed up to having gay fantasies. Unless you are two gay men. In which case, tell all his friends he's using fake tan or something. I dont' really know how you people think.

7. Go ahead, get fat. He loves you, he'll stay. If he tries to leave you, sit on him. Either way you get to eat chocolate.

8. Don't be too suspicious, but don't trust too easily either. Most serial killers are married. Someone has to marry the serial killers. Don't let it be you.

9. Listen to your mother's advice CAREFULLY before ignoring it. We both know you are going to do what you want to do anyway.

10. If your facebook status says "it's complicated", it's probably not a real relationship.

11. You know the truth about men with big feet? They wear big shoes. That's all you should expect, or you'll end up disappointed.

12. Pretend you didn't notice she has cellulite and everyone will be a lot happier.

13. A frying pan is never a good anniversary gift. Anything that doesn't sparkle and that she can use to kick your ass is not a good anniversary gift.

14. When you are single, people at weddings are bound to treat you like you have an expiry date. Come prepared with photoshopped pictures of you and Steve Hofmeyer/Jesse James/Donald Trump. They are going to want to challenge you, but let's face it...the odds are just as good that you are NOT making it up.

15. If all else fails, hug a statue. It makes you feel better.