(on the phone to friend)
Essie: "Did you see my blog post about the Grow-a-boyfriend?"
Ann: "Yeah."
Essie: "Well I totally changed my mind about it in the last five minutes. Get this: it COMES IN DIFFERENT COLORS. I ordered the blue one. Remember that sex dream I had about Dr Manhattan from the Watchmen??"
Ann: "I'm trying to forget."
Essie: "But now I feel like I'm cheating on my boyfriend pillow...It's kinda exciting, in a very wrong way..."
Ann (pause): "Remember when we used to go to bars and date real men? As in, homo sapiens?"
Essie: "Not...really."
Showing posts with label 10 types of men you haven't dated yet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 10 types of men you haven't dated yet. Show all posts
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
5 Secrets Men Keep - reviewed
I was reading this online article entitled ">"5 Secrets Men Keep" alledgedly written by a man. Pfft.
I'm skeptical for two reasons:
1) Men don't share their secrets. It's in the bro code.
2) They are horribly inaccurate.
I insist that this man has his "man card" revoked. What kind of a man writes for "Glamor" magazine anyway? But here is, according to Glamor, the five secrets men keep, with my commentary:
Any feelings we harbor for an ex are eclipsed by the love for our first Playboy.
Men don't love their exes. Men hate their exes. When you dump a man you, as my friend Matt once put it to me, "step on their dick". And they don't like that. Not even in a playful way. There is no need to obsess over their exes. But by all means, sit outside her house and throw eggs on her car if it makes you feel better. I once had a bf's ex spread a rumor that I was lesbian. I started a rumor that she once stole a baby. At first it worked really well, but then people started asking me where the baby was and then I told them she ate it and the whole thing kinda backfired in a ugly scene. The lesson to be learnt is: spread malicious rumors but stick to believable ones. Cannibalism isn't as believable as you'd think. I don't know about the first Playboy either. But if I had one, I would have found it along with the pimpshoes.
We hear only the first half of what you say. It’s a medical condition.
Correction: they don't hear anything we say. When we speak they hear that "whop whrop waa waa" noise Charlie Brown characters hear when grownups speak. Unless you speak about boobs. In which case they hear "whrop whrop waa waa boobs whrop waa waa". In fact, studies show that using the word "boobs" regularly during conversation increases the amount a man hears by 43%.*
There’s no correlation between how happy our sex life is and how much we use the Western grip in private
This one took me aback. I've never heard of the "Western Grip"**. I've heard many cute masturbation catch phrases but not of this one. I can't vouch for it's authencity. In fact it threw me for so much of a loop that I completely forgot my point about this statement and started googling "Western Grip" and "masturbation phrases" and then I remembered my boss checks my search history and know I know she's going to get that look in her eye in a few minutes.
Sex and the City was a hit with men, too, because we saw it as a wildlife doc on how women behave.
I'm skeptical for two reasons:
1) Men don't share their secrets. It's in the bro code.
2) They are horribly inaccurate.
I insist that this man has his "man card" revoked. What kind of a man writes for "Glamor" magazine anyway? But here is, according to Glamor, the five secrets men keep, with my commentary:
Any feelings we harbor for an ex are eclipsed by the love for our first Playboy.
Men don't love their exes. Men hate their exes. When you dump a man you, as my friend Matt once put it to me, "step on their dick". And they don't like that. Not even in a playful way. There is no need to obsess over their exes. But by all means, sit outside her house and throw eggs on her car if it makes you feel better. I once had a bf's ex spread a rumor that I was lesbian. I started a rumor that she once stole a baby. At first it worked really well, but then people started asking me where the baby was and then I told them she ate it and the whole thing kinda backfired in a ugly scene. The lesson to be learnt is: spread malicious rumors but stick to believable ones. Cannibalism isn't as believable as you'd think. I don't know about the first Playboy either. But if I had one, I would have found it along with the pimpshoes.
We hear only the first half of what you say. It’s a medical condition.
Correction: they don't hear anything we say. When we speak they hear that "whop whrop waa waa" noise Charlie Brown characters hear when grownups speak. Unless you speak about boobs. In which case they hear "whrop whrop waa waa boobs whrop waa waa". In fact, studies show that using the word "boobs" regularly during conversation increases the amount a man hears by 43%.*
There’s no correlation between how happy our sex life is and how much we use the Western grip in private
This one took me aback. I've never heard of the "Western Grip"**. I've heard many cute masturbation catch phrases but not of this one. I can't vouch for it's authencity. In fact it threw me for so much of a loop that I completely forgot my point about this statement and started googling "Western Grip" and "masturbation phrases" and then I remembered my boss checks my search history and know I know she's going to get that look in her eye in a few minutes.
Sex and the City was a hit with men, too, because we saw it as a wildlife doc on how women behave.
Correction: Sex and the city was a hit with men, too. Because it had boobs.
Hooters’ wings stop tasting good when we have a daughter.
If nothing else, this statement should prove the invalidity of this article. Hooters' wings may be the best thing I've ever eaten. In fact, I googled the recipe and make it regularly at home. Even if your daughter is working at Hooters as a stepping stone to starting her own escort agency, Hooters' wings will still taste good to you. If it doesn't, I have nothing to say to you.
* I made this up.
**The Western Grip (tennis term): is obtained when placing the hand such that the base knuckle of the index finger is right on the 5th bevel. Compared to the Continental grip, the blade has rotated 135 degrees. This forces the wrist in an uncomfortable twist but allows for the greatest possible spin. This is basically equivalent to the Eastern Backhand grip, except that the SAME face of the racquet is used to strike the ball. The western grip generates maximum topspin and power. Because of the angle of your tennis racquet when you use the western forehand grip, you should make contact with the ball a bit earlier than you would with the eastern forehand grip.
That sounds about right.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
10 types of men you haven't dated and probably should
Had a chat with a single friend last night. Apparently it's becoming harder and harder to meet quality single men. I've thought a little bit about this, did some research and came up with a wealth of bachelor groups that you probably have not considered yet.1. Evil clowns
Never underestimate a sense of humor. They are evil. But they are still clowns.
2. Ex-convicts
Ex-cons have a lot going for them. At least you know they'll be grateful to be with a real woman and not with a blubbery guy with nipples tattoo'd on his back fat. And they could totally shiv your ex-boyfriend. That'll show him.
3. The homeless
We know there is a lot of them, and they are easy to meet.
4. Coma patients
Can you think of a better listener? Who knows, he may even wake up and you can pull a While You Sleeping on him and his unsuspecting family.
5. 50-year old men who live with their mothers
I can't think of a perk but you shouldn't be so picky.
6. Polygamous Zulus
It's worked well for all 3 our First Ladies here in South Africa.
7. Yetis and other mythical creatures
They may be hard to spot but you can sell the rights to your children's baby pictures to OK! magazine. And probably appear on Oprah.
8. My husband De-Wet
He's not technically single (yet) but I'll be glad to get rid of him Mondays, Wednesdays and weekends. We can do "halfsies". He can be a epic jerk at times but he has his own car and a wealth of Playstation-related stories.
9. Cryogenically frozen rich dudes
He'll be there for you in the future, and he's loaded. Technically this is the dream guy.
10. Dead people
Remember Ghost? Apparently more people are seeing them, and making shows and movies about them. This is whole new dating market we have not yet begun to explore. But if you break up you stand the risk of being harassed by a poltergeist.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)