Tuesday, June 22, 2010

What women want (or alternatively how to score with me in 11 steps. In theory this post applies to all women.)

I was reading this article about what women want and I thought I'd jot down what I want but then I realized no one is really concerned with that, so I've generalized it and wrote this thing about what ALL women want.

1. Care about our fantasies.

I have this fantasy where we up on the washing machine really going at it while he loads it up with dirty, pre-treated laundry and detergent, and then vaccuums the whole house with one hand and wipes the counter. In fact, the sex part is optional. In fact, if I could be lying in bed at the time, eating bonbons and watching Dr Phil it would be perfect.

2. Don’t embarrass us.

My friend really enjoys a bit of anal lovin’ but she’s too shy to ask for it, so she kept asking the guy to touch her “rosebud” and “strawberry” and “gate into the daffodil fields” (or whatever). Instead of laughing at her, he kept touching random bits of her body and going, “Um...here...? Here? Am I getting warmer?” I think that is incredibly sweet and generous. (As a side note before the really perverted jerk who keeps emailing me asking me about my sex life but I don’t want to block for various self-esteem related reasons asks me, NO I don’t have a special word I like to use for my ass. But if I ever I shout “Touch me in my George W Bush” that’s what I’m referring to.)

3. “Get” our sense of humor and agree with our politics.

I want your face to have lit up and go “Oh...because George W Bush is an asshole!” just now, or I won’t consider you.

4. Be different.

I once went on a date with a black Zimbabwean medical student who loved bowling and Country & Western music. There would have been a second date because he was really great but then we went out for pizza and he started explaining to me how my colon works. That’s less of a turn-on for me.

5. I really dig honesty in a person.

And I have almost NO standards/inhibitions/shame, so whatever creepy/disturbing/perverted thing you confess to me is just going to end up on my blog and make me love you even more.

6. Don’t be put off by a woman’s baggage. Don’t be scared to be the rebound guy.

The guy I dated BEFORE I got married thought he had cracked the space/time continuum and invented a teleporter. We just couldn’t see him teleport anywhere. If it wasn’t for him, I would never have gone out with DW. He made DW look good. (And DW makes dating men who are still in prison look good.)

7. A cool mother is very attractive.

I know you all think your moms are cool, but they AREN’T. And for some reason most moms hate me. (Except my friend Matt’s mom, who says she bets I give great blowjobs. So I like her for a) being perceptive and b) for making Matt totally uncomfortable. In fact, part of the package of being my husband/boyfriend/friend is that I really enjoy your total and utter humiliation and public degradation. Sorry. I’m in therapy about that.)

8. Be yourself but also be a gentleman sometimes.

That means you are allowed to fart but don’t shove my head under the covers to make me smell it. Like I said, I have low standards.

9. Or be George Clooney.

You can’t go wrong.

10. Be into her.

I like it when men are really into me. I hate aloof and cool men because I’m not aloof and cool AT ALL. By the time you have asked me out I will have already cut pictures from magazines and compiled a mugshot of what our future children might look like. I like when they want to see me four Saturdays in a row, make me a mix tape and go grocery shopping with me. Because it’s bonding. Ok...not really. I just can’t reach the cereal that I like by myself. In fact just get me the pink cereal with the little marshmellows and then you can fuck off home.

11. Acceptance

I blog about people I love. By the 3rd date the entire Internet will know how big your penis is. I laugh at inappropriate, sad moments in the movies where people die (my fave being where Vin Diesel’s girlfriend dies in The Chronicles of Riddick. He looks like my cat does when he’s constipated). I throw shit when I get angry. I am obsessive about having extravagant birthdays centered entirely around me even though I say I don’t want anything. I like having stupid nicknames. I really, really like Cat Stevens and music from various Disney movies even though I deny it vehemently. I don’t shave my legs in winter. I drive like a maniac. I steal road signs as a hobby. I own close to 900 books and refuse to get rid of them. If there is any kind of scab, pimple or bump on your body I WILL try to prick it with a needle. (I don’t know why. Again – therapy.) And there is nothing more attractive than a man who is cool with all of that.


  1. What do you mean with "WE"????? Is there like a gang of Indian men with you looking for an orgy???

  2. OMG! that came so wrong. "we" = "men" :D hahaha

  3. yeah, i'd say that's pretty spot-on.