Friday, April 30, 2010

5 Secrets Men Keep - reviewed

I was reading this online article entitled ">"5 Secrets Men Keep" alledgedly written by a man. Pfft.
I'm skeptical for two reasons:
1) Men don't share their secrets. It's in the bro code.
2) They are horribly inaccurate.
I insist that this man has his "man card" revoked. What kind of a man writes for "Glamor" magazine anyway? But here is, according to Glamor, the five secrets men keep, with my commentary:

Any feelings we harbor for an ex are eclipsed by the love for our first Playboy.

Men don't love their exes. Men hate their exes. When you dump a man you, as my friend Matt once put it to me, "step on their dick". And they don't like that. Not even in a playful way. There is no need to obsess over their exes. But by all means, sit outside her house and throw eggs on her car if it makes you feel better. I once had a bf's ex spread a rumor that I was lesbian. I started a rumor that she once stole a baby. At first it worked really well, but then people started asking me where the baby was and then I told them she ate it and the whole thing kinda backfired in a ugly scene. The lesson to be learnt is: spread malicious rumors but stick to believable ones. Cannibalism isn't as believable as you'd think. I don't know about the first Playboy either. But if I had one, I would have found it along with the pimpshoes.

We hear only the first half of what you say. It’s a medical condition.

Correction: they don't hear anything we say. When we speak they hear that "whop whrop waa waa" noise Charlie Brown characters hear when grownups speak. Unless you speak about boobs. In which case they hear "whrop whrop waa waa boobs whrop waa waa". In fact, studies show that using the word "boobs" regularly during conversation increases the amount a man hears by 43%.*

There’s no correlation between how happy our sex life is and how much we use the Western grip in private

This one took me aback. I've never heard of the "Western Grip"**. I've heard many cute masturbation catch phrases but not of this one. I can't vouch for it's authencity. In fact it threw me for so much of a loop that I completely forgot my point about this statement and started googling "Western Grip" and "masturbation phrases" and then I remembered my boss checks my search history and know I know she's going to get that look in her eye in a few minutes.

Sex and the City was a hit with men, too, because we saw it as a wildlife doc on how women behave.

Correction: Sex and the city was a hit with men, too. Because it had boobs.

Hooters’ wings stop tasting good when we have a daughter.

If nothing else, this statement should prove the invalidity of this article. Hooters' wings may be the best thing I've ever eaten. In fact, I googled the recipe and make it regularly at home. Even if your daughter is working at Hooters as a stepping stone to starting her own escort agency, Hooters' wings will still taste good to you. If it doesn't, I have nothing to say to you.

* I made this up.
**The Western Grip (tennis term): is obtained when placing the hand such that the base knuckle of the index finger is right on the 5th bevel. Compared to the Continental grip, the blade has rotated 135 degrees. This forces the wrist in an uncomfortable twist but allows for the greatest possible spin. This is basically equivalent to the Eastern Backhand grip, except that the SAME face of the racquet is used to strike the ball. The western grip generates maximum topspin and power. Because of the angle of your tennis racquet when you use the western forehand grip, you should make contact with the ball a bit earlier than you would with the eastern forehand grip.
That sounds about right.


  1. In regards to the playboy, most of us grew up knowing that the true prize was a penthouse or a hustler. So if all you knew was playboy, you truly were a lost soul. I've dated blondes, brunettes, blacks,and hispanics. The centerfold in my first porn mag? asian.

    We hear everything you say so long as you don't rattle on for an eternity and don't get going too long on feelings or ask us questions you already know the answer to or are testing us on. We know a losing battle within the first few minutes so rather than push on and lose even more ground it's just easier to shut off. Give us a time window that we HAVE to pay attention for or lose the clothes before you rip us a new one or at least have the common courtesy of bitching us out while stripping.

    Men desire sex just as much as what women do. The disadvantage we have is that what shows our arousal can actually be a physical impediment to sitting/standing/laying down and even walking. So it's just easier to remove the object in question (usually in under five minutes) and then get on with our lives, it has nothing to do with whether or not we find you attractive or not it's just a matter of getting the horn out of the friggin way.
    (sidenote: small tip for those that wonder how your man lasts so long he's pullin' the horn in the shower before he lays with you)

    sex and the city was a hit because there were hot women that were easy that had boobs.

    Agreed, hooters wings taste good whether you have a daughter or not.

  2. As a side note - Matt actually found a Harvard study that confirmed my made up statistic! That's how dedicated he is to getting his man card back after I revoked it because he watched the Alvin and the Chipmunks "Squeakquel".