Most of you who know me know that I live on a run-down wine farm/hippie colony with two young guys (gay), our friend Marius (straight, single) and my cat Sweeney (bi-curious). Watching all this has equipped me with a wealth of relationship knowledge I'd like to share with you:
1. The pointier a women's shoes, the more high-maintenance she is.
2. It's Ok to have a special place for him/her in your heart. It's not Ok to have a special place in your basement for that person.
3. Men, never look at a woman and decide she's out of your league. Let her decide why she doesn't want to sleep with you, don't do it for her.
4. Ladies, men are easy to please. Feed them and tell them they are wonderful and you're pretty much set. Cancel the Cosmo subscription, you don't need it.
5. If you KNOW your man did something wrong, confront him on it. Don't "act suspicious", ask him questions and then beat him over the head with the answers.
6. Forgive easily. Forget easily. But first secretly tell all his friends he's fessed up to having gay fantasies. Unless you are two gay men. In which case, tell all his friends he's using fake tan or something. I dont' really know how you people think.
7. Go ahead, get fat. He loves you, he'll stay. If he tries to leave you, sit on him. Either way you get to eat chocolate.
8. Don't be too suspicious, but don't trust too easily either. Most serial killers are married. Someone has to marry the serial killers. Don't let it be you.
9. Listen to your mother's advice CAREFULLY before ignoring it. We both know you are going to do what you want to do anyway.
10. If your facebook status says "it's complicated", it's probably not a real relationship.
11. You know the truth about men with big feet? They wear big shoes. That's all you should expect, or you'll end up disappointed.
12. Pretend you didn't notice she has cellulite and everyone will be a lot happier.
13. A frying pan is never a good anniversary gift. Anything that doesn't sparkle and that she can use to kick your ass is not a good anniversary gift.
14. When you are single, people at weddings are bound to treat you like you have an expiry date. Come prepared with photoshopped pictures of you and Steve Hofmeyer/Jesse James/Donald Trump. They are going to want to challenge you, but let's face it...the odds are just as good that you are NOT making it up.
15. If all else fails, hug a statue. It makes you feel better.