The Book of Essie

I’ve decided to leave my brief quest for religion and become a prophet. These are my words of wisdom:

A great white rapper shall emerge from the east and all the other rappers shall acknowledge that he is both the “shiznis” and the “biznis”.

Thou shalt not say “errbody” unless everybody in the club is gettin’ tipsy.

I have left a message for my followers in the latest Justin Bieber CD that you can hear if you play it backwards.

Hah! That was a trick. My followers do not listen to Justin Bieber.

If you are going to be any kind of asshole, you might as well be a “gigantic” one.

We are human. We are not dancer. Get your nouns straight.

It is forbidden to fantasize about the limpy guy from Dr House. He is mine.

Thou shalt fork over a tithe (10% of thy income) to thy prophet every month. In return, I shall grant thee eternal life. And not make you drink poisoned Kool-Aid.