This is why you don't ever tell me about old people having sex

My friend Matthew sent me this article about the world's oldest swingers and he said "this made me think of you". Although this is utterly awesome, my insecure little mind has already warped this seemingly innocent link into something self-destructive:

1. What do I do that reminds him of shrivelled old people having sex?

2. Does he want to have sex with me when we are really old?

3. Is he into really old sex?

4. Is he really 87 and hasn't mentioned it yet? If so, what is his secret? Is it really ginko biloba? All I've seen him drink is beer and red bull. If that is true, does beer and red bull make you younger?

5. The link lead to a site called "The Black Hair Media Hair Forum".
a) does my hair look like it needs attention?
b) are people under the impression that I'm black?
c) if so, can I use this to my benefit?
d) why was Matt on the Black Hair Media site?
e) where do black people get all the hair for their weaves?

This is why people don't send me links anymore.

Swinging did once lead to a fight between me and DW though. It was pretty funny.

DW: "I don't get swinging."

Essie: "Yeah, I could never participate."
DW: "Well, you don't have to."

Essie: "Thanks, babe. It's good to know we're at least somewhat normal."
DW: "No, I meant  you can just watch. But that costs extra."

Essie: "What?"

DW: "Yes, I think women get in for free. But it's like a 1000 bucks to watch."

Essie: "How do you KNOW that?"

DW: (long pause) "Um...read about it..."
Essie (death stare)

DW: "No, I really did..."

Essie: "WHY did you read about it?"

DW: "Would you believe I'm writing a screen play?"

Essie (pause): "ARE YOU MAKING A PORNO?"