Religion: wasting millions of weekends since 5000 bc...

I’ve never liked going to church. What if you pick the wrong God and you go and every week you go there just keep making him madder and madder? But then I got terrified that DW might use the Dark Arts against me and that I would get killed by a haunted scrotum, so I decided to enlist the help of a higher power. These are the religions I'm considering. You can vote on them. Like e-bay for the pantheon.

1. CHRISTIANITY

PROS: Apparently when you die you get a really cool house in the sky and there’s a chocolate fountain. We assume.

CONS: has historically killed more people than cancer

2. MORMONISM

PROS: plural marriage

CONS: only applies to men. You can’t have a lot of husbands. Not that I would want that. But apparently I can’t have a lot of wives either. What is the religion called where I can have a lot of wives and not cook or clean or anything? I want that one. Oh wait...maleness. Not so much a religion as a gender.

3. JUDAISM

PROS: Presents for eight days in a row over Hannukkah.

CONS: 6 of the presents will be a dreidel, guilt, persecution

4. BUDDHISM

PROS: meditation, peace, the Dalai Llama is really cool, don’t have to attend services, can make up your dogma as you go along

CONS: I can’t fold my legs in the lotus position very long. That’s also why I’m lousy in bed.

5. ISLAM

PROS: don’t have to worry about what to wear

CONS: no one wants to let you get on a plane to anywhere

6. SATANISM

PROS: I already have black clothes

CONS: Allegiance to the Dark Lord, demon possession, I can’t stay awake until midnight on a weekday