I don't have a baby because DW will dress it funny and also I'm pretty sure I'll kill it and have ruined my hooha for nothing

I’ve been getting a lot of flack from my aunt Elma because I’m 27 and don’t have a baby and apparently my uterus is shrivelling up as we speak. So I’d like to clarify why I don’t have a baby yet.

1. No sex
Although I’m could not entirely be sure from all the conversations with my mom about storks and baby gardens and magical wishes granted by Jesus, I’m pretty sure that sex is essential to pregnancy. So unless a star appears in the East, it’s not going to happen.

2. I like my vagina the way it is
At least I’m PRETTY sure that I do. I’ve never really looked at it. But I haven’t had any complaints so I don’t really relish the thought of having it stretched to the size of a football. Besides all that shit I read online about washboard vajayjays and getting stapled back together after childbirth put me off. Really, you should blame Google.

3. My addictions
The antidepressants, alcohol, cigarettes and even cat litter that I use all say that they should not be used during pregnancy. (To clarify –I don’t use cat litter personally. The cat does. He doesn’t like to go outside to tinkle when it’s rainy. His feet get wet. Of course he didn’t care about wet feet when he climbed onto my paint palette and then trodded expensive oil colors all over the antique German tablecloth my mother-in-law loaned me. Also, I’m kind of my cat’s bitch, and I’m pretty sure that should deny me having parenting privileges.)

4. Poop
I don’t want to voluntary deal with other people’s poop. And everyone says “Oh that’s just until they’re potty-trained. It’s not a big deal.” YES IT FUCKING IS. They poop in a plastic pot. It doesn’t magically flush away. It’s RIGHT there. Glamorize it all you want, you will still spend a good deal of your day transporting and disposing of poop.

5. Boredom
When you get a child you also have to put all these security lockdowns and screening software on your PC so they don’t get kidnapped by predators. And I just don’t have the technical knowhow to disable something like that. GOODBYE ASIAN SQUID PORN.

6. Infanticide
I am about 99.5% certain that any baby of mine will die a horrible death as soon as it starts to crawl. (Real life conversation: “DW, what’s this in the fridge?” “It’s liquid nitrogen. I got it from the guy next door. You freeze bull semen with it.” “K.” Enough said.)

7. Judgement

My mother-in-law is the neatest person I know. When DW’s cousin had her baby she would bring it over and my mother-in-law would REWASH it because she felt the baby wasn’t clean enough. And then we’d all say mean things about the cousin and what a shitty mother she is behind her back. It’s petty, but I like to part of the group. My mother-in-law is very clever. She also likes to pack out her jewelry box and show me all the rings inside and then she says, “All of this will be yours once I’m dead”. Which is part of the reason I’m not divorced yet. And also why I encouraged her to take up smoking.

Also DW will borrow the baby from me and then pictures like these will pop up on the Internet. And my child will get emotional issues and gun down a bunch of people with the turret gun I had put up on the roof for the impending zombie apocalypse. And I’ll have the press going through my trash to see what kind of mother raises a serial killer and they’ll find all my half-used bottles of peach flavoured lube and about forty pounds of cat hair.