I don't do well in petting zoos generally. Two years ago, DW took me to Monkey Town and after the guide spent forty minutes telling us not to stick our faces or fingers in the monkey's cages because they will rip them off and eat your eyes and give you the ebola virus, he took one out of the cage and it got away and jumped in my hair and wouldn't let go and stayed there eating almonds, swinging by my ponytail while Japanese people took photos. Eventually the handler took the demon monkey away but I was scarred for life.
Then yesterday I got attacked by a tortoise...which sounds silly because its not very fast and you can literally just take a step back to get away from it and be safe, but this thing would not LET UP! It kept running towards me with it's little beak open and its neck all wrinkly and extended as far as it could go so it could bite me...you know...sooner. It was pretty terrifying because I watched this thing running towards me for like ten minutes...it was like slow motion.
And you are all picturing a normal tortoise like this:
...but this was an EVIL tortoise...more like:
and then the woman whose tortoise it was, was like, Oh, don't worry, he thinks your toes are pieces of apple and then everyone looked at my toes and I got all embaressed about them.
I will never wear open-toed shoes ever again.
lmao so funny
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