Well, I’ve been impregnated by aliens. I can only assume that because:
1) I’ve been vomiting in the mornings and seem to be gaining weight (this has NOTHING to do with those 9 rum 'n cokes I had last weekend)
2) I haven’t been visited by an angel or had sex
3) There is a suspicious spot on my lawn that can only be described as “crop circle-esque”
4) The hot water in my shower doesn’t work and I haven’t been able to bathe probably in 3 days which has nothing to do with pregnancy but I've been trying to figure out a way to bitch about it
I spoke to my friend Thinus who is somewhat of an expert on these things and he does think I may have a case because of the crop circle whatzemedoozit on the lawn, but that the other 3 points are entirely coincidental. He did, being somewhat scientific minded (and also a dick) point out that points 1 and 4 are probably the reason why point 2 hasn’t happened and exactly how long HAS it been since I’ve last gotten laid but then I hung up and googled around until I found a picture of what my alien baby would probably look like.