Friday, July 2, 2010

Apparently Jehovah Witnesses don't do drugs or wear uniforms. I ask the important questions so YOU don't have to.

I was at home when two Jehovah’s witnesses rocked up sporting slamming short-sleeved button-up shirts and ties. I wanted to take pictures of them but they wouldn’t let me because they believe that photographs steal your soul. Or something. I wasn’t really listening.

JW: “Good day m’am, have you heard about the Watchtower?”
ESSIE: “Is that the one where you get to smoke pot?”
JW (nervous laughter): “No, we...”
ESSIE: “Do I get a uniform?”
JW: “No...”
ESSIE: “My old cult had uniforms.”
JW: “That’s...”
ESSIE: “Can you do recreational drugs of any kind?”
JW: “No...”
ESSIE: “What if it’s medical marijuana?”
JW: “No, I don’t...”
ESSIE: “What if Jesus appears and asks you to smoke a fatty? Would you have to do it?”
JW: “Miss, we basically just...”
ESSIE: “How about a hookah?”

(45 minutes later)

ESSIE: “Can you huff paint?”
JW (defeated): “No...”
ESSIE (thinks): “How about sniffing permanent markers?”
JW: “That...sound be fine.”
ESSIE: “Yeah, I might be interested.”

I listened to them intently for maybe 5 minutes and then I offended them by asking them if they’ve ever used Divine interventions and they asked what it was and I said it was a range of sex toys shaped like Biblical characters. I hope they didn’t put a curse on my house. Or is it gypsies that do that? I don’t know. Why don’t gypsies ever come to my house? I’d be an awesome gypsy. I met some Freemasons at a fair once. They ran the hotdog stand gave me literature but they didn’t have napkins so I used my pamphlet and so I missed my opportunity. True story.


  1. holy fuck. That website is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. and last time I got Jehovas witnessed I wasn't wearing pants. I think I scared them.

  2. Jehovas Witnessed? Is that the verb?

  3. You definitely have some balls..or guts? Whatever. :)

  4. this makes sense "O my FUCKING LORD!"

  5. I actually used to be a religious douche-nozzle. I was a member of an extremist religious group who shalt not be named for 6 years. I also studied some theology and worked as a marketing manager for a large church group. So religious people do not intimidate me.

  6. I hope divine interventions sent you a free jackhammer jesus for the nod you just gave them...

  7. I had them once tell me how because I was a Christian I was actually following a cult and that my beliefs were wrong because my literature didn't include the watchtower... followed by them forcing themselves through my front door because I asked them to leave.

    Not as exciting as your story... but I did get to call the cops on them .

  8. Um. If I get another Jehovah's witness I'm pulling some shit like this.

    soo glad i found your blog
    fkn hilarious.
    I have to say, I feel you just enriched my life a little.

  10. door to door gypsies? I like it. Spreading the good word on holy dildos? love it.

    great blog.

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