Tuesday, July 20, 2010

If you are the Loch Ess, you may be a redneck

My therapist got into my blog SOMEHOW and she’s all concerned because I made a comment about her expensive shoes so we did an exercise to figure out where my “societal inferiority complex” comes from. We managed to trace this back to a conversation I had with my mother when I was five:

LIL ESSIE: “Mom, are we rednecks?”

MOM: “Your father is. I’m a poor white.”

It seemed like a good explanation. My mother used to say that rednecks had more fun that wealthy people and I carried it with me. Because of her, I also still go to the bathroom before I leave the house and lock my car doors when I drive because if you don’t a hobo will open the door and grab you when you stop at a traffic light. Really, it’s a miracle I don’t have more paranoid delusions than the ones I already have.

DR L: “But you have succeeded. You are a career woman.”
ESSIE: “I’m not a career woman.”
DR L: “You are a marketing manager.”
ESSIE: “Not a very good one...I mean, I blog at work and am half-drunk all the time.”

So, she suggested that I start looking for something that “challenges” me a bit more. Here is my skill set:

• Slightly used Degree in Marketing Management
• Can operate a frozen yoghurt machine
• Able to describe what an endoscopist, colposcopist and variety of other complicated medical professionals do
• Can explain the exegesis of a given Bible verse
• Can organize wine and cheeses
• Knows what the secret in the secret sauce is at Spur Steakhouses (it’s just mayo that we leave in the sun)
• Has the telephone number of Heinz Winckler on cell phone

If you guys hear of anything, please recommend me.


  1. I did not know they had rednecks in South Africa. As always, I learn so much from you.

  2. Yep, only we call 'em Parow Arrows, Pyle, Armblankes or Kommin mense.

  3. Sounds to me like the therapist has a napoleonic complex. It wasn't offered up by you to her though she probably found out by googling your name.

  4. Mayo...in the sun? *dream shatters* I assumed it was some sort of exotic South African herb.

  5. So I was stoned while I was reading your blog last night, and I never freaking noticed before that therapist says "the_rapist". What the fuck, English language?

  6. I think your therapist is just jealous that your blog has more awesomeness than she can muster in her shoes.

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