Thursday, July 22, 2010

Don't trust doctors or tractors. Anything in the "tors" family, really.

Well I’m at work but I’m sick as a dog. I’m cranky because I didn’t get asleep all night. I amused myself by kicking DW and waking him up at random intervals. He amused both himself and the cat by shining a light in my eyes at 6 am as I finally drifted off “to check if I had made it through the night”. I bet people are really jealous of our relationship.

I couldn’t take the day off because you need a sick certificate from a doctor to take the day off. And I don’t like my doctor. For some reason, she’s convinced that I either am or am trying to get pregnant. I could literally walk into her office with blood gushing from the stump that used to be my arm screaming that I got mangled by a tractor and she would still nod knowingly and say, “I bet I know what you’re here for. You’re pregnant.” (Yes, your arm can get mangled by a tractor. Also, by chimpanzees. That’s not part of the thread, it’s just a safety tip.)

I wouldn’t mind so much but she likes to withhold medicine from me “just in case” I really am pregnant. And then she asks if I would like to do a test. Which is fine, but the way she’s looking at me makes me feel like she has hopes of not only getting a positive result but also of cutting the aforementioned baby out of my stomach and raising it as her own. I’ve mentioned it to Dr L but she told me I need to be less paranoid. (Last week I worked late for a full hour because I didn’t want to leave the office because I was convinced there was a rapist in the parking garage. It was just a bag of trash, but still. Better safe than sorry.)

I’ve bluntly told her that 95% of the time I don’t know where my husband is and when he’s not out there doing whatever the hell it is that he does, he’s certainly not over here doing...well, me. I don’t think she believed me. What a weirdo. I bet she has a closet full of pee sticks at home.


  1. That is pretty weird. Even my "lady doctor" doesn't ask me about it every time. Maybe your Dr's part of some creepy cult?

  2. Random thought; as a guy you really have to trust felators, because as the felatee, you have your junk all up in their grillz. /gangsta.

    But other than that, all 'tors' should never be trusted.

  3. God I remember getting the morning after pill and my doctor just looking at me with a disgusted look on her face. I hate going to the doctor and being judged.

  4. I haven't been to a doctor in years. It's not the doctor that I don't like, it's the waiting room and the people in it. To pass time I try to guess what illness others are afflicted with. Sometimes they stare at me, as if they are judging me. It can get awkward fast.

  5. Find another doctor! Ugh, I hate judgy doctors and nurses-- it's their duty to serve the patient, not give them a guilt trip!

    And yeah, only your lady doctor should be testing you for pregnancy, wtf?