Friday, July 9, 2010

How to see me naked

My friend Matt is mildly peeved at Dee for thinking he looks like Fred Flintstone in my artwork so I’ve come up with a comparative photo montage. He hasn’t commented on it yet because he’s stuck indoors during hurricane season and was too busy calling the bank manager a “goddamned stinknugget”. (That’s part of an elaborate vocabulary that includes “knucklefucker/Smurf fucker” and “giant oozing pulsating regurgitated afterbirth of a lesbian clusterfuck”. You can’t buy charm like that.) Incidentally Matt is also the one person who told me I don’t need therapy because I’m the sanest person he knows. I was pleased for a full five minutes and then I remembered that Matt knows a lot of trannies and strippers and genuinely crazy people who sometimes email me pictures of their cats in different outfits. The victory is small. But I’ll take it.

MATT: “What’s this thing on the blog about me marrying you?”
ESSIE: “It is because I’m irresistible. You are longing for some sweet, sweet Essie.”
MATT: “You’ve been reading bad literotica again.”
ESSIE: “Not...bad literotica.”

But here are the photies of Matt and Fred and PaintMatt. (As you can plainly see his cat hates me for no reason.)
Dee says you all should vote and agree with her and if the vote goes her way she’ll put the naked pictures she has of me on the Internet.

Stupid woman. The naked pictures of me are already ON the Internet. So I won that round. Or lost it. Depends on how you look at it.


  1. How's the new (Man)tracker working for you?
    Matt sounds like a rough gem.
    I hate that I was moderately insulted that you implied that 'trannies' were 'crazy people'. That's what a degree in sexual diversity studies and women's studies will do to you.

  2. I see more brunette-Barney Rubble in his actual photo, and I think the art resembles the guys from ZZ Top, sans the incredibly long beard.

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