Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Where we spent our rent money this month

I went to Maze Restaurant with my brother Oey and DW for my birthday. Maze is in a five star restaurant in the Cape Town Waterfront and really, really overpriced but it's owned by my celebrity crush, Gordon Ramsay. (He wasn't there. I looked.)

Me and Oey (I'm not really disproportionately bigger than he is. It's just the camera angle.)

We couldn't afford anything on the menu. The waiter kept telling us about this steak that costs 100 US dollars per 200g. Apparently they massage the cows and play them music so the meat gets really tender. I kept feeling sorry for the poor cows masseuses. I'm sure they get all attached to them and then they have to kill them with a hammer. (Of course, if I was a cow, I think I might be more nervous if some redneck farm hand starts massaging me. I'm not sure.) We decided to be responsible and order only one glass of wine and a main meal each. But somehow we kept ordering side dishes, bread, starters, dessert and overpriced quail on a stick. I think they release expensive spending pheromones from the air conditioner that makes you fork out more than you want to.

Highlights included when we were having a heated debate over the politically correct term to use for "mermen/merfolk" and the smarmy maitre'd leaned over and said, "I believe the correct term is "ocean people", madame."

I made a note on his comment card that i was very impressed with his knowledge of mythological creatures and the correct terms to use for them. (I also mentioned that I would visit the restaurant again in the event of a zombie apocalypse, as they were clearly equipped to handle it.)

DW: "I love this restaurant...it has such...cadence."

ESSIE: "Is that a real word?"

DW: "Yes...but I'm not entirely sure what it means."

ESSIE: "Then this may very well be cadence."

OEY (raising glasses): "TO CADENCE!!!"

Essie's Tips for visiting a 5-star restaurant: Wear a surgical mask to protect yourself against the spending pheromones. And don't order the consomme. It's really expensive but it's just an egg floating in some thin beef stock.


  1. As a side note, how cute is my brother? I really need to fix him up. He's got two finance degrees, loves camping, is kind to my Momma and I love him to bits. Thanks for the great dinner, bro!

  2. too funny, how much did the bill end up being??

  3. Let me ask my fiancee, and I'll get back to you about dating your brother.

  4. Cadence, I believe means love?

    Your brother is a cutie :)

    You also now have me desperately craving steak.

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