Thursday, July 29, 2010

Bob Geldoff, phallic balloons and covens of HR managers. How was YOUR day?

I’ve been put on marketing duty again – something I both loathe, and studied for four years. I was supposed to phone all the hospitals we work for but ALL of the HR directors at ALL the different companies on vacation. (I’m not sure how they coordinate this. I picture something like that movie, The Witches, where they all hang around on a hilltop in a coven and chant and eat chidren. Actually, that might be an apt collective noun: “a coven of HR managers”.)

To encourage me to make 100 calls, I was given a bunch of colourful phallic balloons to pop every time I made a sale. (Sir Bob Geldoff told my boss to do this at some sales conference. Apparently it makes it more fun. I also had to wear stilettos. I fell several times and there were burst balloons everywhere. It reminded me of my 2nd birthday. At least back then I got to eat cake with my foot.) All in all it was pretty horrifying. I was shocked at the paltry service the hospitals offer. I was on hold with one cosmetic clinic for 10 minutes before I got through to reception.

RECEPTION: “How can I help you?”
ESSIE: “This is shocking. I’ve been holding forever.”
RECEPTION: “I do apologize. We have a very busy switchboard.”
ESSIE: “It could have been an emergency.”
RECEPTION: “We don’t do any emergency treatments.”
ESSIE: “What if I had surgery and my lip fell off?”
RECEPTION (long pause): “That can’t happen.”
ESSIE: “Are you a doctor?”
RECEPTION: “No.” (hopeful) “Would you like to speak to your doctor?”
ESSIE: “My lawyer will speak to him thank you very much. Can I speak to your HR manager, please?”
RECEPTION: “She’s on annual leave.”
ESSIE: “Is there some sort of HR religious holiday?”
RECEPTION: “Pardon?”
ESSIE: “I asked, is it HRistmas already? HRannukah, for our Jewish friends?”

And then she hung up on me.
Also, they had the worst porn-type music playing when they put you on hold. The whole thing was very disturbing. Bob Geldoff was talking out of his ass.

my boss and Bob Geldoff, looking pervy

Oh, but that reminds me – a few weeks ago I wrote a very businessy and important guest post about Marketing on Ashley’s site. Check it out, you might learn something. We can’t just sit around and drink all day.


  1. "We can’t just sit around and drink all day."

    Ohhhhh, but I think we can.

  2. hahaha The Witches, awesome movie reference. You think they peel their faces off in private too?

  3. I'm laughing so hard right now! I've been on hold with clients and switchboards for ages before, but was never able to quite put them in their place as brillianty as you did! Awesome!

  4. I think that's a fetish-- using spike heels to stomp on and pop penis-shaped balloons.

    Bob Geldoff sounds like a kinky dude.

  5. I think that was the best potential sales call I have ever heard.

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