Monday, July 12, 2010

Confession time...

As most of you know I spent 6 years of my life in an extremist religious group. It's fun if you are a leader, but being a follower kinda' costs a lot of money and you have to go to church 4x a week and also be kind of a douche-nozzle to innocent people whom you think are going to hell. You also can't wear short skirts or see PG movies or smoke or drink or swear or date. It may seem like a great way to spend your early twenties, but it's not. Any way, one of the practices I really miss is confession. We had to confess all the gory details of our sins every week. It was kinda' cleansing and I enjoyed shocking people with my flagrant impurity.

Of course, my conscience has since died but here are my top seven deadly sins for the week:

1. Remember my friend who is really shy about sex even though she’s having it a lot? She would kill me if I ever revealed her real name on here so I’m going to call her...Lebecca. We were all sitting around drinking wine after work and she finally opened up and shared some of her (fairly straight-laced) fantasies and was like all red-faced and insecure and asked in a whisper, “Are my fantasies...normal?” and everyone was kinda quiet so I went, “GOD, no.”
2. Reading the Twilight books.
3. Owning a vuvuzela
4. My (vast) Japanese subculture porn collection. And the fact that people I hardly know keep sending me more links to Japanese subcultural porn sites with the words “This made me think of you” in the Subject line.
5. Once while on the phone to Telkom (our phone company) I got desperate for service I offered to send naked pictures of myself to the technician if he could fix the Internet problem.
6. That he didn’t take me up the offer.
7. Accusing DW of “stealing” various of my possessions, finding them in the bottom of my closet, moving them to his closet and then miraculously “discovering the evidence” when he comes home.

Ok, now your turns. Raptor Jesus will forgive us all. Or eat us during the Raptor Rapture. I'm not sure. I'm still writing our Bible.

9 comments:

  1. 1. I'm secretly your biggest fan in a very creepy way.

    2. I actually like cucumber, but I pretend that I don't.

    3. I'm secretly a fetish model (not so secret NOW though).

    4. I have a photo of my ex's car on my phone.

    5. I may or may not know assassins.

    6. I know super-top secret military stuff.

    7. I'm secretly far too disappointed that my boyfriend's favourite number isn't an even number.

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  2. Say 10 Hail Raptors and you will be absolved of everything, except the last one. That disgusts Raptor Jesus.

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  3. OH NO I'VE UPSET RAPTOR JESUS! I REPENT, I REPENT!

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  4. In order to confess, I have to feel sorry. Nope not doing it. I've done made my mistakes and refuse to relive them again.

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  5. I have to de-lurk and say that while this is the post that got me to subscribe makes me seem... dubious... it's really based on the grounds that we are all followers of Raptor Jesus here.

    Beatae Velociraptorinae.

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  6. Rapt-pent. Of course. Now I hath offended Him further due to my unusual missing of a pun opportunity (and I probably missed one right there too). I rapt-pent alright.

    Also I made you a creepy award (yeah, another one). Fingers crossed you aren't homophobic!

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  7. You actually made me laugh out loud with 5 (and 6 of course) to the astonishment of my dog, who was sleeping next to me :D Thank you for that ^^

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  8. After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr Zuma zuk and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: spiritualherbalisthealing@gmail.com or call him +2349055637784 you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS'

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