Tuesday, July 20, 2010

If you are the Loch Ess, you may be a redneck

My therapist got into my blog SOMEHOW and she’s all concerned because I made a comment about her expensive shoes so we did an exercise to figure out where my “societal inferiority complex” comes from. We managed to trace this back to a conversation I had with my mother when I was five:

LIL ESSIE: “Mom, are we rednecks?”

MOM: “Your father is. I’m a poor white.”

It seemed like a good explanation. My mother used to say that rednecks had more fun that wealthy people and I carried it with me. Because of her, I also still go to the bathroom before I leave the house and lock my car doors when I drive because if you don’t a hobo will open the door and grab you when you stop at a traffic light. Really, it’s a miracle I don’t have more paranoid delusions than the ones I already have.

DR L: “But you have succeeded. You are a career woman.”
ESSIE: “I’m not a career woman.”
DR L: “You are a marketing manager.”
ESSIE: “Not a very good one...I mean, I blog at work and am half-drunk all the time.”

So, she suggested that I start looking for something that “challenges” me a bit more. Here is my skill set:

• Slightly used Degree in Marketing Management
• Can operate a frozen yoghurt machine
• Able to describe what an endoscopist, colposcopist and variety of other complicated medical professionals do
• Can explain the exegesis of a given Bible verse
• Can organize wine and cheeses
• Knows what the secret in the secret sauce is at Spur Steakhouses (it’s just mayo that we leave in the sun)
• Has the telephone number of Heinz Winckler on cell phone

If you guys hear of anything, please recommend me.

7 comments:

  1. I did not know they had rednecks in South Africa. As always, I learn so much from you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yep, only we call 'em Parow Arrows, Pyle, Armblankes or Kommin mense.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sounds to me like the therapist has a napoleonic complex. It wasn't offered up by you to her though she probably found out by googling your name.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mayo...in the sun? *dream shatters* I assumed it was some sort of exotic South African herb.

    ReplyDelete
  5. So I was stoned while I was reading your blog last night, and I never freaking noticed before that therapist says "the_rapist". What the fuck, English language?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think your therapist is just jealous that your blog has more awesomeness than she can muster in her shoes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr Zuma zuk and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: spiritualherbalisthealing@gmail.com or call him +2349055637784 you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS'

    ReplyDelete