Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Being married is like being single only worse because YOU ARE NEVER ALONE...and other fun facts about being married

Marriage surprised me. As I look back on it, there are so many things I wish I had known about it. So here's my wisdom for all you single people who are dreaming about walking the neverending red mile down the aisle.

1. Marriage can be really lonely

Yes, marriage can be lonely. Only YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. And you will LONG TO BE ALONE. Because despite what you may think right now, your loved one is really really annoying. You don't see it but he/she is. His hobbies are stupid. His friends will come over and wreck your shit. He will stop being cute when he is drunk and just be gross and drunk and a bad dancer. He will smell, eat too loudly, critisize your driving and YOU - YOU WILL NAG THE SHIT OUT OF HIM UNTIL YOU CAN BARELY STAND YOURSELF but don't worry oh because YOU LOVE HIM and you are COMMITTED and it's just like The Notebook only you WANT to forget him!!! Other than that, marriage is great. No, really.

2. Marriage can be sexless

Who knew that watching your partner scratching his private parts or puking at 5 am will reduce his sex appeal? And YOU - YOU won't be a sex goddess either. YOU will fail to shave your legs, brush your teeth, you will get sick, you will stop dyeing your roots or going to the gym, you will read about sex in Cosmo and roll your eyes and go, "yep yep I'm not doing that anymore" and you will have weeks where you rub up against your washing machine so much you will start to bond with the thing, give it name (mine is called "Charlie") and get seriously jealous over it. And when you EVENTUALLY do break the dry spell you will call out "Charlie, Charlie" in bed and he won't believe your explanation and then you will have to go for marriage counselling. And it will suck.

3. Marriage means you have to go to a buttload of boring family events

It also means you don't have to sit at the "kiddie table" at Christmas, but for the most part - now you will be expected to attend christenings, bar mitzvahs, barbecues, reunions and 50th, 80th and 100th birthday parties for relatives you don't know or like. And you have to buy a present each time.

4. Your feelings towards your mother will shift inexplicably and drastically

Back when she was "against your love" she was wrong. She was the bad guy. You used to cry on your guy's shoulder and tell him fiercely how she only says she hates his haircut because she is old and dried up and cannot bear to look at two star-crossed lovers brimming with Eastern promise. After marriage, she becomes your number one ally. He becomes the dick. I don't know why the shift happens, but it does.

5. You will discover that you, too, are a bitch

I've beaten my husband over the head with a remote because he kept flipping the channels. I've yelled, screamed and used swear words I didn't even know I knew. When he yelled "OMG, it's Deadpool!" as he was watching X-men cartoons and went into a long description of who Deadpool was, I made a serious and graphic threat on his life. I even paced the yard visualizing where I would toss the corpse.

6. Housework will not double but quadruple

It makes sense that adding 1 more person to your household will add the mess of 1 more person. That's science. NO MY FRIENDS. Your mate will QUADRUPLE the amount of domestic crap you have to do. I no longer have to just wash socks, I have to locate them behind and UNDER the dryer. There are stains that exist in underwear I cannot identify under a microscope. And once when I left on a business trip I came home to discover a pool of dried cat vomit that had gone off in the heat. I didn't think vomit could GO off. But it does. And you will have clean it.

7. Men never change...anything

Not toilet paper rolls. Not your flat tire. Not lightbulbs. Not themselves. He will remain the exact same man he was when you got married, except the two of you now own a set of china together.

8. You will understand why Lorena Bobbitt did it

That woman gets flowers from women in prison. Every day.

9. Men cannot do anything

They think they can. But they can't. They stand around the car, with one foot on the hood, looking at the engine, going "Mmmmmm...." but they don't know what they are looking at. Remember when you told him you knew how to make apple pie? It's like that. It's a lie. They don't know how to fix anything. Put a plumber on speed dial.

10. A successful marriage is not what you think it is

Marriage is not happiness. It's not romance. In the words of my mother-in-law, "You know your marriage is working when you contemplate murder but not divorce."

What is the good news? I believe that when (and if) you do find that special someone, you will be able to handle all of the above. If you have someone you can look at, and honestly say: this person respects me, knows who I am (and still loves me), looks at me like I'm a hero, whistles when I get dressed up, talks to me for hours, doesn't try to bully, manipulate or change me, teaches me how to poke fun at myself, lives to please me and lights up when I walk in the room...you will be able to keep it together. And I believe that you will find the experience of marriage highly, HIGHLY rewarding.

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