Thursday, May 27, 2010

Shoes make killing orphans in China so totally worth it

I just got these great new zippy shoes from a cheap chinese import store but then I saw Oprah and she said you shouldn't buy them because they are made in sweatshops and the chinese people tie little orphans up and break their legs and made them sew my shoes, so I felt bad wearing them, but then my friend Matt pointed out "zips are fun" so I wore them all day today. They are exceptionally painful to walk in but I still love them.
Apparently, scientists have found that women are genetically engineered to get high off of buying shoes. We reason that we will be able to wear the shoes over and over again, so collecting them creates an adrelin rush and releases dopamine - we get this from our berry-collecting cave woman ancestors. Also, as mammals, we are wired biologically to associate height with power, says professor Helen Fisher, from the Rutgers University. Therefore we "heighten our status" when we put on high heels. Stilettos, Fisher says, makes women assume the "primal mating position" which is (apparently) popping out your butt and arching your back.
I don't know about the rest of you, but the position I assume when wearing stilettos does not resemble anything you might call a "primal mating position". I assume a position best described as the "drunken cross country hunchback skier" position. The "newborn giraffe position". The "bravely learning to walk again after a lengthy coma position". But nothing about that is sexy. Nor are the blisters, backaches, painful bitching sessions.

Another whackjob/expert Dr Daniel Amen says that our minds are wired to assocaite feet with sex. I quote: "The area of the brain that communicates with the genitals is right next to the area that deals with the feet. These regions share neural crosstalk, which is why shoes are erotic." It's eerie because I never pictured my feet as having much to say to my bajingo. I don't really like to have them talking about me behind my back.

No comments:

Post a Comment