Sunday, May 2, 2010

10 Reasons why I hate Oprah

I know, I one will agree with this post, but it needs to be said.

1. Oprah is more powerful than the Pope, the American President and our own common sense.

I don't know why or how it happened. But it did. And we need to think about whether we really want to grant absolute power to a woman who regularly sings the names of her guests and cannot apply her own lipliner. Also, a small part of me is terrified that she's going to see this and have me killed.

2. Oprah has got me in her power

When Oprah tells me to buy a book, I buy the book. When Oprah asks me about my financial status, I take out a pension plan. When Oprah buys flannel pajamas, I buy flannel pajamas. If Oprah were to tell me to become a Communist, I would be erecting the Karl Marx statue along with the rest of my flannel pajamas.

3. Oprah is the reason why Dr Phil, Dr Oz, Gail King and many other really crap TV personalities got their shows

And you know you have to watch them. She told us to.

4. Oprah is the reason George Bush got elected

Before George Bush went on that show, everyone thought he was a retard. Oprah - at the very least - made him look...mildly less retarded.

5. Oprah is the reason why I've spent an hour listening to Gary Zukov

And that is 55 minutes too long.

6. Oprah is the reason we all sort of know what it means to "remember your spirit"
Remember that segment? How do you "forget your spirit"? It's not like you'd go on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and have Regis ask you, "Ok, for a hundred thousand dollars, can you tell us what the immortal part of you that will live after your death is?" and afterwards you'll be all like, "I can't believe i forgot my spirit...I should have remembered my spirit..."

7. Oprah keeps forgetting that she just acted in an Alice Walker movie, she didn't actually live in one

Oprah grew up poor. I also grew up poor. But if you listen to her "I grew up poor" stories you'd swear she had to steal a tub of butter from the Massah's kitchen, lard up her wrists to slip off the manacles and run from the plantation with Simon Legree cracking a bullwhip over her bloodied back.

8. Oprah's show is a blog

Oprah's show does not inform, teach or inspire. Oprah's show is bullshit. Much like this blog, Oprah spends all her time speaking about Oprah and Oprah's opinions. It is sad that I can't identify 95% of world leaders or remember the periodic table, but I can tell you the names of Oprah's dogs.

9. Oprah doesn't need an Angel network

Oprah keeps begging us for money. She cries. She campaigns. Why does she need money from the public for her charity projects? Sure, Oprah has good days and bad days like the rest of us. But on Oprah's bad day, she still has enough money to buy Thailand.

10. O magazine, O clothing, and O movies

and everything else that is O so bad.

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