Thursday, May 27, 2010

10 Things more disturbing than clown sex

I actually stayed in a guesthouse last year where the owner was married to a Russian mail order bride. At first, I was disgusted and appalled at the practice - which is barbaric and demeaning and reduces women to mere possessions. After only one night of home cooking and spotless cleaning, friendly greetings and good company, I was convinced that the practice was harmless. By night number 3, I was browsing the web for a bride of my own. (She wouldn't have to do me, just my windows.)

During my frantic googling (my husband DW has a cold, and is too weak to feed himself or bathe, yet miraculously strong enough to haul the couch across the room so he can play Playstation), I came across this headline from the Fair Motherland: The World's Strongest Vagina Breaks new record. I kid you not. Apparenlty Tatiata Kozhevnikova just broke her previous record by lifting a 14-kg glass ball with her vajay-jay. She trains for this feat with custom-made training balls. (Hey, remember back when Guiness World Records celebrated human achievement, talent, determination?) Within seconds of sharing this fact with my weird friend Fran, I got IM'd a list of even more disturbing sex records:

1. Moulay Ismail Ibn Sharif holds the record for most children - he fathered 1042 with his 500 wives.

2. In 1765, a peasant woman from Shuya (Moscow again!) gave birth to her 27th child. That included 16 pairs of twins, 7 pairs of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets. And between you and me, I think she should at least be a runner-up for "World's Strongest Vagina".

3. The world's biggest penis was 13.5 inches (34 cm) long and 6.25 inches (16cm) wide. The owner of aforementioned dong was Dr RL Dickenson (hahahhaahaha). The world's smallest penis was 0.39 inches long (1 cm). No one knows his real name but apparently the condition is called "congenital hypoplasia" and it affects about 0.7% of the ladies. Be grateful for what you have. In the animal kingdom the crown goes to the humble barnacle, who's penis is 42 times the lenght of its own body, and to Rorqual whales that have 10-foot schlongs, 1 foot in diameter.

4. The whole's biggest vagina record goes to Anna Swan from Scotland. She was a giantess. She gave birth to a baby whose head was 19 inches (48 cm) in circumfence.

5. The farthest male ejaculation ever recorded was 18 feet (6 m) and was achieved by Horst Schultz. The farthest a woman was recorded to ejaculate was 10 feet (3 m). The most ejaculations for a man in one hour is 16.

6. A porn star recently set the record for most sexual partners in one day - a whole 620 of men in 24 hours.

7. Those horndogs in Japan hold the record for the world's biggest orgy - 250 couples. Ogenki desu ka?

8. The youngest girl to ever give birth was 5-yeard old Lina Medina, 1933.

9. In 1300 BC King Menephta defeated the Libyan hordes and collected 13 000 chopped-off penises to take home in celebration. What ever happened to flowers?

10. Michelle Monahan of L.A., swallowed 1.7 pints (almost 1 liter) of semen and had to get her stomach pumped, but she made her way into the record books.

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