DW stormed off in a huff yesterday, over a minor altercation. To be fair, the minor altercation ended with me stabbing him with a bread knife. I'm sorry - but there is not a jury in the world that will convict me. Let me list the stupid, stab-worthy acts he's done over the last two years:
* Painting the cat's nails
* Breaking the window when he locked himself out of the house, then tacking cardboard over the gaping hole
* Having to go to the ER because his boxers melted into his ass because he sat on the Playstation wires for 18 hours straight
* Getting seasickness pills so that he can play Playstation 18 hours straight after getting severe motion-sickness from a first person shooter game
* Puking in the cinema after watching Cloverfield due to motion sickness...and then buying the Cloverfield movie when it came out on DVD
* Failing to unplug a live electrical wire before attempting to saw it in half with a steak knife
* "Building" me an extra kitchen counter by balancing a slab of wood on two smaller slabs of wood balancing precariously on the other kitchen counters
* Superglueing vampire teeth over his real teeth for a halloween party
I'd also like to bring up Exhibit B. This is an ACTUAL CONVERSATION WE HAD.
DW: Are you going to use that gym bottle?
ESSIE: Maybe, why?
DW: I want to put liquid nitrogen in it.
ESSIE: (pauses) Where are you going to get it?
DW: From that farmer across the road.
ESSIE: Why does he have it?
DW: He freezes bull semen with it.
ESSIE (pauses): Do you have bull semen that needs freezing?
DW: No.
ESSIE: What kind of semen do you have?!!!
DW: I want to freeze a little flower with it.
ESSIE: Why?
DW: It will look cool.
Essie...walks away.
* Having to go to the ER because his boxers melted into his ass because he sat on the Playstation wires for 18 hours straight
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHA *hysterical laughter* He is an IDIOT! An IDIOTSKI! Oh, oh, I can't catch my breath, give me a moment...
* Getting seasickness pills so that he can play Playstation 18 hours straight after getting severe motion-sickness from a first person shooter game.
Not funny, just sad.
* Puking in the cinema after watching Cloverfield due to motion sickness...and then buying the Cloverfield movie when it came out on DVD.
Also falling into the NFJS category.
* Failing to unplug a live electrical wire before attempting to saw it in half with a steak knife
This would be funnier if there'd been lasting serious damage.
* "Building" me an extra kitchen counter by balancing a slab of wood on two smaller slabs of wood balancing precariously on the other kitchen counters
WHAT A MAN! He's just like the Old Spice Man! Except not! At all!
* Superglueing vampire teeth over his real teeth for a halloween party
*slow claps* Congratulations, you are married to a human amoeba. He must be siphoning brain cells off you while you sleep just to stay alive.
Oh, also, I have almost infallible gaydar and your husband is at least bisexual. AT LEAST.
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