Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Abstainance 101

My friend Jennifer works with teenagers and she sent me this little blurb they use to inspire the teens. (I used to work with teens too, before they gave me a nervous breakdown. Really, you can't inspire teens. They are like Jell-O. Jell-O that hates everything.) She wants to know how if I think this little blurb will inspire girls not to sleep around. Here's the blurb:

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

My comments:

Or you have to wait until you are so sick of being high and mighty and horny that you decide to shake loose a little and become rotten.

That’s what happened to me.

But why are the boys boys and the girls apples getting eaten? And why are the boys eating rotten apples? WTF is wrong with boys? Is this an oral sex parable? I’m confused.

And she got really cross with me and was like, "this is serious" and "how else are you going to prevent teens from sleeping around" and I told her the only thing preventing me from sleeping around as a teenager was the fact that my dad was a war veteran from Angola and threatened to shoot my boyfriends in the knee. And then I suggested that she calls my dad to come threaten the boys in the class because he is retired now and my mom is always saying how nice it would be for him to find "a little job to get him out of the house". And maybe we can expand the business so he can shoot them in the knees for talking about Twilight too much.

She hasn't taken me up on the offer. Yet.


  1. Things like this never work. I think hearing an overabundance of these trite poems made me lose my v-card faster. People don't think, this is why people get married so young in 3rd world countries and in the past. Because we're all horny as teenagers! I know maybe 2-3 people that "saved themselves" for marriage. God bless them, but I didn't have that type of self control.

  2. Hey Essie, left something for you on my blog. :)

  3. I was thinking the same thing about girls being apples and boys still being boys.

    Objectitification: you're doing it literally.

    Apples. Pfft.

  4. Lmfao. This whole post just made my day.