Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Minotaurs are the new vampires

I read this article about how publishers are desperate to find the next supernatural craze – desperate to tap into the next Twilight market. According to Graham Childress they are throwing their weight behind a series of novels featuring...”a bad-boy minotaur who transfers to a new high school and eventually falls for the one girl who can see the pain and sensitivity behind his brooding exterior”. Rival publishers are going to be launching books “featuring a bad-boy mummy, a bad-boy cyclops, and a bad-boy Mayan vision serpent”.

I’ve brainstormed some of my own ideas, though. BETTER ones.

1. BP executives are the new vampires.
 Are they really as evil as we think they are? Picture a combo of Edward Cullen, There Will Be Blood Star Daniel Day-Lewis, and Barney Stinson from How I met your mother. I’d tap that.

2. Fairies are the new vampires.
No, really. I was all into Anne Geddes-like sweet little fairies until I started reading these books about how the Irish believed they used to steal children, bathe their clothes in blood and eat your souls if you didn’t put out cream for them. If that doesn’t scare you, you must be fearless. Or ignorant. Or an ironmonger. (They are allergic, y’know. In fact, we could have a girl with an iron peg in her head fall in love with the lead fairy. That would be awesome.)

3. Midgets are the new vampires.
 I’ve had a fear of “little people” ever since I noticed that make an utter ass of myself around them. More about that later.*

4. Mermaids are the new vampires.
Every single man I know has fantasized about the Little Mermaid at least ONCE. It’s the seashell bra. And they have scales. And they totally drowned sailors back in the 1700s. But now they are back, and just misunderstood. Like True Blood. Only with less sex. Because they have tails down there.

5. The Kashardians are the new vampires.
They are inexplicably wealthy. People are enthralled by them. They never age.

6. The Loch Ness Worm is the new vampire.

7. The Yeti are the new vampires.
It’s a fine line between dating a Yeti and dating a really hairy guy. We’ve all been there. In fact, you may have already had your own taboo interspecies relationship and not known it. Scary shit, people.

*As a side note, there was an awesome B Grade movie made about Midget Vampires called “Anklebiters”. I’m not making this up. I’ve spent a lot of time browsing the “half-off” DVD section at the mall.

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