Friday, June 4, 2010

How is putting a pirate hat on your penis what God intended?

I found this weird Christian sex site called Dapper Dicks (don’t judge me, I was bored at work). The opening page disclaimer says: "It is our deepest hope that this product will add some spark and spontaneity into your marriage, and create a new way to share intimacy in the marriage bed as God intended. Have FUN!" Apparently what God intends for the marriage bed is penises wearing pirate hats and tuxedoes...even little sunglasses and accessories. Of course, God has been making men do weird and unnecessary things to their schlongs since the days of Abraham. I don’t know how cutting off your foreskin can be considered an act of worship. Maybe it was a weird dare between God, Buddha and Krisna. (“Oh yeah...I bet I can make ‘em give up meat!” “Ohhh...snap...well I’m going to make ‘em sit around and do nothing for four hours and call it “meditation”...” “No, no, no check this out...I’m going to make him cut off a piece of his dick!” “Ohhh no you won’t!” “I so TOTALLY will!” “He’s not going to do it man!” “He so TOTALLY will!”)
The designer of the site felt that the “sleek design creates a more appealing appearance for your appendage”. I can admit that the penis is not the best-looking part of a man’s body. Let’s face it, if you saw that thing growing on a tree, you’d snap it off. (And before you all flinch and instinctively cover your package the way you do when you see a guy get hit in the goolies with a baseball, note that I said “...IF IT GREW ON A TREE”.)
What really killed me though was this:
WARNING: Just like you need to undress prior to intercourse, so does Dapper. Dapper apparel must be removed completely prior to intercourse.

So here is what we have learnt:
1. Christians are having sex...but they are doing it wrong.
2. Christian women will not go down on their husbands, unless the penis in question is wearing an eyepatch and hat.
3. God has got a cruel sense of humor, and men are his guinea pigs in the great standup comedy fest of life. Or at the very least - we now know that God is a woman.

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